The partner
who has been betrayed is emotionally tortured and humiliated when knowledge of
the infidelity emerges. They are clearly in trauma and experience the same array
of symptoms that professionals now describe as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Similar
to any others who have suffered threats to their physical or emotional
well-being and security, they are disoriented and confused by what has
happened.
Relationship
partners of both genders experience similar of the classical symptoms of PTSD:
-Repeated intrusive
thoughts.
-Unstable
emotional regulation.
-Out of body
experiences.
-Alternating
between feeling numb and striking out in retaliation.
-Inability
to stop scanning for any new data that might cause more distress.
-Feeling overwhelmingly
powerlessness and broken.
-Needing to regain
self-worth by assigning blame.
-Confusion
and disorientation.
“Ever since
I found out about the affair, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I have
repeated nightmares. My faith in trust and love is demolished. The person I
believed in most in the world betrayed me without seeming to care.
If I’d known
something was wrong, maybe I could have stopped it before it got going. I spin between
being devastated and being enraged. I can’t seem to find any peace, knowing
that there is probably more than I will ever be told. I feel like a goddamn
fool, humiliated and broken. How could my partner do this to me?”
The trauma of
betrayal can also trigger memories of buried or unresolved emotional and
spiritual damage from the past. When those prior traumatic experiences are
triggered and re-emerge, they significantly complicate the healing process.
For there to
be any chance that the couple undergoing this situation can ever transcend the
distress of broken trust, they must deal with two simultaneous challenges: The
first is to understand and work through the combination of both current and re-emerging
trauma responses of the betrayed partner. The second is for both partners to both
commit to specific roles in the healing of their mutual distress.
The First
Challenge – The Five Most Common Re-Emerging Issues:
1) History of Prior Trauma
When people
experience a life-threatening event earlier in life, they create defenses that
allow them to survive those traumas. Those defenses can be either barricades to
future pain or unconscious seduction to recreate what is familiar.
If a
relationship partner has been harmed by threats of loss or harm in the past, he
or she will have a stronger and more persistent trauma response to a partner’s current
betrayal. Dependent on how much they appear similar to what is happening in the
present, they will mesh with the current pain and make recovery that much
harder.
2) Emotional and Physical Resilience
Whether born
into a person or learned throughout life, resilience is the conqueror of
prolonged sorrow. Though grief must not be denied, those who are lucky enough
to be more resilient can endure it without falling prey to extended emotional
heartbreak.
Resilience
after betrayal is also buoyed up by the kind of social support a person has
access to. When infidelity is discovered, it is easy for traumatized partners
to lose sight of their own worth. Authentic, caring, and responsive others are
able to remind them of who they were before the trauma and help them to regain
emotional stability.
Sadly, the
most common excuse many unfaithful partners give when they stray is that they
were unable to get their needs met in the relationship. Those accusations
increase the anguish of the betrayed partner.
3) The Strength of the Primary Relationship
When people
have a strong bond, both partners openly talk about their needs and
disappointments as they occur in their relationship. They know that outside
temptations are always possible, but they are committed to making their
relationship stronger if they arise.
If a
relationship is wavering and the people within it are no longer as bonded as
they once were, one or both of the partners may be searching for meaning
outside the relationship. If those yearnings are not shared and the
relationship goes unresolved, they are more likely to transform into actions.
Some relationships
feel more okay to one partner than they do to the other. If those feelings are
not shared and an affair happens, the unknowing partner has had no opportunity
to intervene. They feel they are doing everything right, that their love is
intact, and that trust will never be broken. That partner is understandably
more demolished when an affair emerges.
4) Double Betrayal - When the Infidelity is With a Known Party
Besides the experiences
of humiliation and anguish, an even more destructive heartbreak occurs when the
third member of the triangle is a close and trusted friend or a family member.
When the
betrayed partner discovers that two deeply trusted people could collectively collude
behind his or her back is almost unfathomable. In these cases, there are often
others who know what is going on causing even more potential loss of
relationships when the affair emerges. Those who have remained silent may then
pull away for fear of being seen as accomplices.
5) How Long the Infidelity has been going on
An affair
that is quickly confessed along with true remorse and the desire to do whatever
is necessary to help the betrayed partner heal, has the best chance of success
if it never happens again.
On the other
hand, a partner who finds out that the betrayal has been going on for weeks or
months, or even that it is still active, is fundamentally more damaged and finds
it much harder to heal. For most women, it is not just a passing affair any
more. It is a fully developed relationship of secrecy, passion, and emotional
connection, stealing love and commitment from the existing partnership. For
most men, it is the sabotage of being cuckolded by another male who has taken
his woman from under his eyes and sold him out as a “brother.”
The person
outside of the primary relationship, who has been willing to be a co-betrayer,
often feels that he or she has claimed possession of the infidel. That
individual may not be willing to be dismissed and can become a deterrent to a
relationship’s potential healing.
*
* * * *
Given the
seriousness of these potential emerging issues and the ways they may combine, it
is understandable how much influence they may have in whether or not the
relationship can heal and over what period of time.
How do two
people who do not want to lose their relationship navigate the process of
broken trust to a possibility of reconciliation?
How does a
betrayed partner ever learn to believe the other again?
How does the
partner who chose to act this way get past his or her guilt and remorse?
What must
happen for recovery and recommitment to even be possible?
Once both
partners understand how likely it is that a betrayed partner will evidence the
symptoms of PTSD, they realize that the healing process is the same for all
traumas. The betraying partner must simultaneously play the dual roles of an
ally to his or her partner’s healing and a seeker of absolution from the very
person they have carelessly wounded. The other must survive the trauma and
learn to love again.
The Role of the Betraying Partner – As
an Ally in Healing the Trauma
Most betraying
partners truly want to heal their relationship but have difficulty not blaming
their other partner in some why they chose to stray. Gender responses are often
different. For instance, more men than women justify that decision by stating
that their sexual needs weren’t being met, that their partners didn’t pay
enough attention to them in general, or that they felt exploited in the
relationship. More women than men traditionally cite their reasons for an
affair as lacking emotional connection with their primary partner, a lack of
availability in general, or inadequate romantic support.
In order to expedite
healing, the betraying partner has to recognize that they must put aside
anything they felt that drove them to give in to an affair until they recognize
and feel remorse for the act of betrayal, itself. They are legitimately on
trial for invalidating the worth of their primary relationship, succumbing to a
self-serving motivation, and the willingness to risk severely wounding the
other partner.
As now allies
in healing the relationship, they must be prepared to encourage and weather
whatever frustration, anguish, or retaliation their betrayed partner needs to
express. They must be willing to stay the game for however reasonable time it
may take, to put their own needs and underlying grievances aside, and to fully commit
to the healing of their partner’s rage and grief. The more committed the betrayer
is to the process, the sooner his or her partner will be able to heal.
The Role of the Traumatized Partner
Feeling
devastated, humiliated, and broken are hard experiences to survive. Though the
traumatized partner has every reason to be upset, he or she must work through
those responses in a sincere and committed way, alongside of the other
partner’s commitment to do whatever is mutually needed for healing.
The partner experiencing
PTSD will most likely have wildly swinging mood changes, emerging experiences
of underlying, unresolved issues, and agonizing waves of grief. While
simultaneously feeling the need to strike back, run away, or feel immobilized,
they must learn to self-soothe, create resilience, seek outside support, and commit
to a renewed faith in a better future.
If,
additionally, they’ve been the object of previous trauma, they must also sort
out what is happening in the present from what they may have endured in the
past, so as not to blame their partner’s current betrayal for something they
did not cause.
Building a Future Relationship
Both
partners must realize that their past relationship is over and that their goal
is to build a new one that will withstand challenges in the future. When the
partner who is the ally in healing merges with the partner who is ready to move
on, they can create a new kind of sacred trust that can be significantly
stronger by virtue of what they’ve been through together.
This process
is not for those who want a quick fix, nor for those who hold fast to the past.
Superficializing a true betrayal can create unresolvable pain. Similarly, carrying
mistrust, anger, and pain forever will eventually destroy any hope of true
healing. The betraying partner must take seriously what he or she has done. The
partner who has been betrayed must truly want to rebuild the relationship and
to ultimately learn to trust that person again.
Yes, I have
seen partners do this kind of healing, and do it beautifully. They take the
lessons from the past, learn to communicate courageously and honestly, and
build something neither has known before. Their relationship Phoenix can emerge
from the ashes of their mutual sorrow.
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