Randi Gunther, Ph.D.

Healing the Discouraging Interactions of Nagging/Complainers and Their Passive/Aggressive Partners

2012-02-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

There are few repetitive and discouraging relationship interactions that are as damaging as those between partner who keeps pushing for unmet needs and the other who feels inadequate to fulfill them.

As a relationship therapist for more than four decades, I am sad to report that these unsuccessful interaction patterns are far too common, even in otherwise still successful relationships. They aren’t likely to happen at the beginning of an intimate relationship but become more destructive as specific unequal needs increase. As the relationship progresses, the partner whose desires are greater than the other in any area of the relationship begins to push for more satisfaction as the other makes empty promises he or she cannot keep.

As the gap widens between need and availability, both partners initially try to compensate. Independent of gender, one may try to pull back on unreciprocated needs and the other will try harder to meet the lesser demand. Over time, that solution does not heal the difference, causing both to feel helpless and frustrated.

Unable to escape their pattern and both saddened and uncomfortable with the situation they have created, they enter couple’s therapy because they want help. Who would want to be described as a serial complainer, self-pitying and begging? Conversely, who would want to feel inadequate and consistently cover that feeling by making in-the-moment promises they can’t keep?

Despite their sincere desires to stop their negative interactions, they can’t seem to stop once the downward spiral has begun. The nagger/complainers feel powerless to get what they need and to continue believing in the relationship, and the passive/aggressive promise breakers no longer have credibility.

In specific situations, it is usually one partner that becomes the nagger/complainer and the other the passive/aggressive promise-breaker but they may also switch roles depending on the situation. Regardless of who is tagged at any one time, these repetitive patterns are never just one partner’s fault. The nagger/complainer is the more obvious partner to identify, but one-sided blame will not take the relationship to a better place. Whichever roles they play, partners who are ready to take accountability for their own behaviors is the first step to healing.

Whether you are more often the nagger/complainer or the passive/aggressive promise breaker, you can help each other stop perpetuating these negative interactions.

When You Are the Nagger/Complainer

Begging someone to meet your needs is painful for anyone. As you nag and complain, you’ll feel your anxiety building as your partner seems resentful and unavailable, even if he or she is patronizing you in the moment. When you begin sinking into these painful interactions, your emotional and physical tension will increase and your hopes for success will away. Whatever capability either of you once may have had to help the other will give way to your personal need to survive the interaction.

Nagger/complainers are often able to stop their counter-productive behaviors when they feel genuinely listened to, treated with truth and authenticity, and given clear boundaries as to what to expect. If they are patronized, put-off, or continually face broken promises, they push harder and become locked-in to ineffective, self-rationalizing behaviors.
Unfortunately, their promise-breaking partners often feel guilty and blamed as they fall more into arrears, and justify withholding the compassion their partner needs. As this sorrowful pattern continues, the dismissed partner often becomes more demanding, creating a greater justification for avoidance by the other. These responses lead to irrational reasoning that negates what they once deemed as their entitlement in a loving relationship.

When You Are the Passive/Aggressive Partner

If your role in any repetitive interaction is the passive/aggressive promise breaker, you may have become a seasoned conflict avoider, not realizing you are creating the very conflicts you can’t bear. You may even feel like prey on the other end of a predator, agreeing to what your partner demands in the moment, but knowing deep inside that you are probably not going to come through later. You may also find that you’re having more difficulty setting clear boundaries, especially if you have conflicting desires.

Passive/Aggressive Promise-Breakers sincerely intend to keep their promises, but don’t accurately evaluate whether they might be able to feel the same way later. They tend to overload their commitments and then feel too guilty to take responsibility for their eventual priorities. They don’t want to disappoint anyone and dislike conflict. If their partners continue to press for promise-keeping, they may then blame their partners for wanting too much, using their building resentment as justification.

When partners continue in these hopeless reciprocal patterns, they feel powerless and disappointed in love’s ability to heal. Those responses hurt the soul and discourage the heart of their relationship. To stop the negative interactions and replace them with an upward spiral of mutual support, they must both replace them with an upward spiral of mutual understanding and support. The Nagger/Complainers can learn to stop themselves as they lose ground and move to a different process. The Passive/Aggressive partners can learn to know their capabilities and present themselves more honestly from the beginning.

Here are two examples: The first is a negative go-nowhere dialogue between a chronic whiner/nagger and her passive/aggressive partner. The second is between two partners who have overcome those patterns and have moved beyond them. Note that the genders are reversed to show that these roles can be played by both men and women.

Example One:

Nora (Nagger/Complainer): “You’re never around anymore, Joe. You always have something to do that’s more important than being with me. I feel like I ask and ask, and nothing I do makes any difference. Why don’t you care about me anymore? You treat me like I’m going to devour you or something. I feel like a burden.”
Joe (Passive/Aggressive Defender): “I try to give you time, babe. I really do. I’m sorry it’s not enough and I’ll try to do better. Please don’t be mad at me. I never want to disappoint you, but other stuff comes up that I can’t always predict. I know I mess up sometimes but it’s not always my fault, you know. Maybe you could remind me more or something so I won’t forget.”

Nora: “There you go again, putting all the responsibility on me. Then you’ll just say I’m nagging you more. You know that doesn’t work. I’ve tried everything. Why don’t you just tell me you’re not going to do what you say? I don’t ask that much, Joe, and you even admit that. You make me feel like a fool, begging for what I need from you. I look like an idiot while you sit there so smug, thinking you’re the greatest person on earth. If I don’t ask for anything, you do nothing. If I ask for something, you do nothing.”

Joe (starting to show his underlying resentment): “Okay. Okay. So you’re right. So it’s my fault that I can’t keep track of all your demands. I’m the one who has to try harder to please you so you won’t have all these reasons to find fault. It seems like you get off on finding fault with me. So I mess up sometimes and don’t come through for you? Have you ever thought that you just ask for too much? I’ll just try harder, but I know you’re watching my every move to set me up to prove how right you are.”

Nora: “I give up.”

Example Two:

Joe: “Hey, Nora. Come sit on the couch with me and watch the game. Those things can wait.”

Nora: “Sure, sweetheart. I want to, but I’ll be there in just a minute, honey. Just have a couple of chores to do first.”

Joe: “That feels too familiar. If I don’t remind you ten times, you’re going to keep doing what you want to do. Then you’ll tell me that I’m pushy and don’t understand, right?”

Nora: “No, no. I really mean it this time. You ask me things without paying attention to what I’m already doing. I might not come right at the time you ask, but you need to be more patient. I have other things that are important to me, too.

Joe: “That’s your typical excuse, babe, but I know your patterns. Please listen to me. I want you with me now. There can’t be anything more important. I want you with me.”

Nora: “Okay. I’ll drop the long list. Just let me call my mom back and tell her about the changes tomorrow and put that load in the dryer. Then I’ll be right there.”

Joe (coming into the kitchen and putting his arm around her): Nora, look at me. We’ve been over this so many times and you aren’t listening to me. I know you want to give me what I want, but you don’t predict yourself very well. When you don’t come through for me, I feel like hell. I don’t ask for much, babe, but, when I do, I mean it. I never want you to be with me if you have something you’d rather do, but don’t promise something and then let me down again. I need to be able to believe you or let my stuff go.”

Nora: “I’m so sorry, honey. You’re absolutely right. I mean to keep my promises to you and then I get caught up in other stuff. You’re the most important person in my world and the one that gets the raw end of the deal. I guess I take your love for granted and expect you to believe me. That’s not fair. I’m putting the responsibility on you to keep us close and I need to stop that.”

Joe: “I love you.”

How to Change Your Patterns

Questions for Nagger/Complainers

When you’re the Nagger/Complainer in most areas of your relationship, ask yourself the following questions. If Write down the answers so that you can share them with your partner later. You may want to give an example or two to help illustrate your point. Do not negatively judge yourself whichever role you’re playing. You’re looking for self-accountability, not self-criticism.

1. Did either of your parents have nagging/complaining behaviors that you might be unconsciously copying?

2. What alternatives do you try before you resort to nagging/complaining?

3. Do you fall into those same patterns with others besides your partner?

4. How often are you successful in getting what you need when you nag or complain?

5. Do you criticize yourself when you can’t seem to stop nagging or complaining?

6. Did relationship frustrations pushed you into these behaviors? If so, what could your partner have done to help you before you began whining and nagging?

7. Has your partner taken any responsibility for his or her part in these negative interactions?

8. How could your partner change his or her behavior now to help you stop whining and nagging?

9. What alternative behaviors can you do to help yourself?

10. Do you nag and whine because you would feel like giving up if you didn’t?

11. Have you been labeled as a nagger/complainer in other relationships? When, and what happened?

Questions for Passive/Aggressive Promise-Breakers

If you’ve become the passive/aggressive promise-breaking partner, ask yourself the following questions and respond as your partner has.

1. Do you make promises to keep the peace in the moment but often not keep them?

2. Are you likely to tune your partner out when he or she asks you something more than once or twice?

3. Do you blame your lack of keeping your promises on your partner’s nagging or complaining?

4. Are you likely to flare quickly the minute your partner asks you to do something a second time?

5. Do you feel inadequate to meet your partner’s needs? Do you feel they are unreasonable?”

6. Do you make derogatory remarks when your partner pushes you? For example, “Here we go again.”

7. Can you see your part in keeping the negative pattern going?

8. Do you listen carefully to your partner’s requests without invalidating them when he or she begins to push?

9. Are you honest with yourself about what you can give so that you don’t lead your partner on?

10. Have others beside your partner been disappointed by your unkempt promises?

11. Are you able to be up front with your partner when the two of you have conflicting desires?

Exercises That Will Help

Hopefully, after sharing your feelings and examples with each other, you will be better able to understand the frustrations both of you feel and how you mutually contribute to the problem. If you understand that it takes two to maintain these patterns, you will feel more encouraged to help each other out of them. Remember, your negative interactions have a much better chance of healing if both of you are willing to look at your own behavior without blaming your partner.

Exchange Roles

The next time you begin this interaction, switch roles and play the other person’s part. Do this with compassion and support, not with sarcasm or the need to embarrass your partner. Try to feel what your partner is feeling when you act as he or she has in the past. Then tell each other how it feels to be on the other end.

Giving Each Other More Time to Respond

When these patterns begin, it is common for both partners to speed up. When you feel a destructive spiral coming on, encourage each other to slow down, and give each other time to share your feelings.

Don’t Assume

Whenever committed partners repeat destructive patterns, they have usually written the ending before the interaction is over. Unfortunately, it is easier for them to predict a bad outcome and get it over with, rather than giving things a chance to turn out differently. You will get your best results if you ask questions and explore the situation deeply from the start.

Stay in the Present

Nagging and avoidance behaviors are learned in childhood. As those patterns repeat in adult relationships, most partners revert to what they saw their parents do. Soon, neither can hear the other for fear that their own needs will not be met. Words like “never” and “always” enter the conversation with greater frequency. Refrain from bringing the past into your current interaction. Remember that you are responsible for the words you say and how they will be interpreted by your partner in the present.

Watch Your Body Language and Voice Intonation

As people become more locked in to negative patterns, they repeat themselves in endless, unproductive interactions. As they feel less heard and more erased, their facial expressions and the sounds of their voices sound distress alarms. Eye-rolling may be experienced as condescending or disgust. Crossed arms are often seen as “I’m not open to anything you have to say, so why are you still trying to get to me?” A whiny voice can sound plaintive and powerless, and is more likely to be invalidated. Bored or hostile glances communicate disgust and finality.

Be Creative

If partners find themselves repeating destructive patterns, they have probably stopped trying to do anything different. Rituals don’t take much thought or energy, and often hide more frightening problems.

Partners who create new ways of handling stressful interactions can open up new options. For example, when important arguments get stuck, some couples try emailing each other instead. Others may try sitting back-to-back so they can’t automatically react negatively to each other’s expressions. Some find that holding hands when they begin a downward spiral can change the tone and help them remember to stay connected. Whatever breaks old patterns is worth trying.

One of the first things that couples notice when negative patterns take hold is their ability to laugh at the situation decreases measurably. Any innovative changes that make you start laughing again have a great probability of aiding the healing process.

Most committed couples don’t want to repeat negative patterns that hurt their relationship, especially when they still care. They may not recognize those patterns in the beginning, and fail to see them worsen over time. When resources diminish, it is always harder to turn things around.

The good news is that even long-standing negative interactions can transform into positive ones, often creating a better foundation for future challenges. Every successful resolution of a long-standing problem gives a couple more strength and options to fight for better outcomes when new challenges arise.

"Cougars?" What About "Sought After Mature Women?"

2012-01-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

The media hype about older women seeking out young men for sexual contact has about worn me down. As a relationship therapist for four decades, I have certainly defended many unfairly labeled “dirty old men,” who were just guys who fell in love with younger women for their beauty, energy, and potential for having children. Many of my older male patients have wanted to start families again and have created great second marriages.

Now I have a whole new group of valuable people to defend. In the past several years, I’ve had the pleasure of working with older women in relationships with often much younger men. They are not the “older women who frequent clubs to score sexually with younger men,” as the new, and unfair definition is of “Cougars.” They are quality, mature women who have been actively sought after by younger men for long-term, committed relationships. Yes, sex is an important part of their relationship, but there is so much more.

Currently, I am working with five couples where the women are five to eighteen years older than their male partners. All of them are in committed relationships. They come into therapy to work on typical issues that all couples face, but also on the challenges that they receive regularly from the outside. Society still has deep prejudices against older women with younger men, unfairly non-reciprocal when the genders are reversed.

I ask these young men what attracts them to their women. They regularly tell me things like:

“She is so incredibly smart about life,”

“She is so easy to be with, nothing fazes her,”

“She tracks me so well. I never have to explain myself or feel badly about who I am. I’ve never felt this known and still loved,”

“It is so great to be with someone who isn’t so concerned about what people think about her. The confidence she feels about herself and what she has to offer is an amazing turn-on.”

Here’s what the women say:

“He is so caring and appreciative of the things I do for him that are second nature to me.”

“He makes me feel beautiful and desirable.”

“He is so great with my kids.”

“He’s always up for any adventure. So many of the older guys I dated were uninterested in the exciting things I love to do.”

“He helps me so much, often before I even have to ask.”

Their most pressing problem is the discrimination they face. These couples get so many covert and overt negative comments from people that clearly indicate their discomfort: Jealous friends, kids who think moms shouldn’t be in love, competitive ex-husbands who may feel displaced by a younger man, implied differences in capacity to provide for financial needs, prejudices against mature women who are “robbing the cradle,” and stereotypes about older women only wanting younger men for better sex. And those are only a few.

Here’s one example:

Vicky and Hal met in a book club three years ago. Vicky’s husband had left her four years earlier to marry a woman twenty years younger. Her kids were torn between their concern for their mom and wanting to accept his new wife. Their dad insisted they get over the fact that his new girlfriend was only six years older than his daughters and wanted them to be “great friends.”

Hal was just getting over a long-term relationship with his past girl-friend and discouraged over the women he’d been dating. So many of them were over-indulgent and self-serving, looking for money and a good time. He’d felt like they just didn’t understand what it was like to spend so many years building a career and trying to pay off the huge debt he’d incurred.

Vicky seemed sincerely concerned. Twelve years older than Hal, she was wonderfully alive, kind, and calm, paying careful attention when he shared his conflicts and broken dreams. He never thought about the age difference between them as a barrier to their growing intimacy. The more time they spent together, the greater their friendship deepened. Neither thought it would be anything more than that but after a year, it blossomed into a romantic relationship.

At first, her girls thought it a little odd that their mom would spend so much time with someone so much younger than she, but Hal was such a great guy and so much fun to be around. Hanging out as a family became more natural and easy over time. They had to ward off many derogatory remarks from other people, especially from their dad, but they eagerly defended their mom’s choice.

Their dad didn’t do as well. Somehow feeling oddly displaced, he told Vicky that he wanted to reduce the alimony he was paying her, and told her she should “get money from her new friend for his services.” He also regularly told her that people were laughing at her behind her back. Though sensitive and concerned about what people were saying, Vicky took comfort in the wonderful relationship she and Hal were creating.

One of the new modal points for divorce is women over sixty leaving sedate, often self-indulgent husbands who no longer think that romance is necessary in a long-term relationship. These more mature women are searching for men who still love an active relationship, are open to new adventures, energetic in their romantic commitments, and love women who have a combination of all of those same desires plus the maturity that life’s lessons provide. What is wrong with that pairing and why can’t this society offer that to its women without the derogatory descriptions that seem to be proliferating?

In Ben Franklin’s 1745 essay, “Advice on the Choice of a Mistress, he gives eight reasons why a young man should prefer an older woman. First he advocates why marriage is always better than a casual relationship, but then advises that, if a man is not ready, he should definitely seek out the company of a mature woman over a younger one. Though Ben’s mores do reflect the times, he tells his advice-seeker that older women have better minds, offer more interesting conversation, are good at heart, have usually satisfied their need to have children, are unlikely to be exploitive, give excellent counsel, and are sexually desirable and knowledgeable about good love-making.

People lived much shorter lives then, and Ben was probably not talking about long-term committed relationships, but the descriptions of mature women are not very different from what younger men today feel about their older women partners. Could we possibly come up with a different description and definition of wonderful women who are treasured by their younger men than “Cougars?”

Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other

2011-12-30T17:05:00.000-08:00

As a relationship therapist for four decades, I have been called upon to intervene in hundreds of cases involving infidelity. A large percentage of couples seeking counseling do so because one or the other partner has strayed.
The sequence of events is painfully similar. One partner has had an affair, the other finds out, and the relationship trust is shattered. The guilty partner is usually remorseful but painfully uncomfortable talking about what happened with an outsider. The other partner feels understandably betrayed, deceived, hurt, angry, and often vindictive. It is always a therapeutic challenge to observe the damage done.
Many skilled practitioners have written widely about possible solutions for these broken couples. After ninety-thousand hours with patients I treasure, I have gratefully tried many of them with varying degrees of success. It is agonizing to watch couples who don’t want to break up try to come to grips with their distress and find their way back to a relationship that they want to repair.
I define infidelity as a clandestine, intimate relationship outside of the committed relationship that may or may not include sex, but can potentially damage the existing relationship were it to be known. That definition is currently under attack by the media, Internet, movies, and other forms of influential communication, which show constant examples of a more range of deceptive relationships. The message is clear: maybe fidelity isn’t the norm and society should be finding ways to tolerate it better.
That concept could become a game changer for some couples struggling to understand what might be in store for them were they to accept this concept. Though new lovers know intrinsically that breaking trust between them could be a deal breaker, they can simultaneously wonder if fidelity is possible, or even likely, in a long-term relationship. And, if it’s not, how do they balance not wanting to leave their current relationship, but not wanting to betray their partners?
Whether I’m dealing with a couple newly in love, or one questioning how to rejuvenate their sexual connection, or another who may be attempting to reconcile when trust is broken, I am able to tell them that fidelity is still the choice for many committed partners, and my experience is that they operate differently with each other to keep that agreement.
Fifty percent of committed partners stay faithful to each other. Though they may be bombarded by the same influences that seduce others away, they intentionally resist them. I have found these partners, and the relationships they build together, important to represent, especially now. I am especially interested, in light of the new social mores that would be more likely to encourage, or even forgive them, if they did.
The partners I’ve studied are not in obligatory, boring relationships, but understand what it takes to maintain honesty and openness with their partners. Committed partners aren’t unfaithful because they don’t want their relationship to end for any reason. They know that deceit, betrayal, and disrespect are negative risks that are likely to damage relationships, and they value their partners too much to take the chance of losing them. They do not act out of obligation to their partners nor feel deprived of what they can’t have. Their commitments and actions are based on preference, not entrapment.
I have observed and noted these partners and their relationships over many years. For those couples who want to stay faithful, I can tell my struggling couples what to reach for in their relationships that will make them less likely to make potentially regrettable decisions.
If you and your partner have chosen the path of faithful intimacy, the following twelve characteristics may help you hold that commitment to each other. The dialogues that follow are representative of actual interactions I’ve observed over the years. They may seem unusually ideal, but they do happen.
The Characteristics of Partners Who Stay Faithful
“We” versus “Me”
Imagine two people in animated conversation on an airplane. The man in question starts every sentence with “I” and is clearly stating the experiences of a single person. The woman he is speaking to is fascinated by these interesting escapades and inwardly wonders what it’s like to live life without having to be concerned about a partner.
As the time to be together comes to an end, the listener asks a reasonable question: “You certainly have had a lot of interesting, independent experiences. Is it easier to do that when you’re not concerned about a partner?”
The presumed single person seems suddenly uneasy and hesitates. “Oh, I’m actually in a committed relationship. I’ve been with the same woman for five years. We both travel a lot, but we’re good when we’re together.”
If that’s close to what you heard, you’re probably looking at someone whose personal interests take precedence over the collective “we.” People who are proud of the fact that they are taken will generally reveal their lack of availability early on.
“We” is a state of mind and heart. It means that wherever one partner is, the other is present in their thoughts. Partners who consider themselves a “we” act that way. When you talk to partners who live with and in the heart of their beloved, you experience that commitment in every way they present themselves. They communicate a pride in belonging to their partner. It’s a powerful feeling of “us” over anyone or anything else.
Non-defensive, Intimate Communication
The partners who don’t cheat are able to talk to each other about subjects most couples would be afraid to approach. I’ve gained great admiration for the ease with which they approach touchy situations.
“Honey, what do you think about my breasts looking a little small since I lost that weight? Do you feel disappointed when you see me naked?”
“I’ve been having a little trouble staying up long enough the last couple of weeks. I’m not sure what it means and I’m a little worried.”
They trust each other with these vulnerable fears and conflicts, especially if they feel they might threaten the relationship. Even if some of those internal battles are embarrassing, reveal too much, or could leave the sharing partner vulnerable to later questioning, these partners choose to be honest even when it may cause temporary stress on their relationship.
Partners who share at that level of trust are committed to truth above comfort. They will share whatever they know could affect their partners without overreacting or taking things personally. All committed partners have temptations and desires that could threaten the relationship if acted upon. Successful partners understand those conflicts, and still honor their relationship agreements.
They know that being able to share intimate feelings will help them to diffuse their importance and head off potential dangers. They use whatever discomfort those vulnerable discussions create to strengthen their trust. It may be very hard to hear that one partner enjoys porn, is fearful of loss, or is feeling less connected, but it could be worse if those experiences were not shared.
Faithful partners are willing to risk expressing their thoughts and welcome their partner’s authentic responses. They care about each other enough to want the truth rather than to be indulged in any fantasies and truly want their mates to find fulfillment in their lives. They also use every skill they can acquire to keep their relationship current, mutually respectful, and real.
Committed partners love without possession. If one of them must leave the relationship to find a greater fulfillment elsewhere, the other would never use obligation, guilt, or coercion to hold onto the relationship. The irony of this kind of love is that people rarely want to give it up.
Example:
“Before Todd and I met, I know I never shared my most vulnerable and embarrassing feelings with anyone. I could certainly share my anger and disappointments, but never things I thought guys would think were too stupid, self-indulgent, or threatening.
Todd was different from the beginning. He’d suffered two alcoholic parents, brutal beatings by an older brother, and financial ruin from a best friend who took everything and disappeared. Yet, he’d always try to look at the lessons he’d learned and never complained on why he had to endure them.
At first, I didn’t believe a word. I felt cynical, like I’d find the discrepancies eventually. They didn’t happen. He just was the kind of guy who comes back stronger when times are the toughest. He seemed so different, but in an amazing way.
I remember our first real fight. We’d been to a party and an old girlfriend was all over him. I felt insecure and jealous, but I didn’t want him to know. When we got to our apartment, I was withdrawn and silent. He took me by the shoulders and sat me down on the sofa.
“What’s going on? You’re jealous, right? You’re embarrassed that you have human feelings and can’t pretend you’re holding up, right? Talk to me.”
His willingness to care when he could have been disappointed opened my heart. I broke down and confessed that I felt terribly inadequate and didn’t want to act possessive or controlling but that I did seriously want to scratch someone’s eyes out. I cried more from my own embarrassment and lack of coolness. I was still worried that he would react negatively, and I was so vulnerable.
He started laughing.
“Don’t laugh at me, please,’ I said pleading.”
“I’m not laughing at you, sweetheart. I just think you are so beautiful when you open up like that.” He took me in his arms and told me he’d always rather have what was inside than what I felt he might approve of.
I moved effortlessly into arms wanting never to leave, and hoping for that moment to never end.
That night changed me forever. I’m slowly beginning to trust it will always be that way. There is nothing we can’t talk about or share, even when it hurts. I’ve had to grow to listen without being defensive or turning away, but I’m more secure now than I’ve ever felt in my life.”
Common Values
Long-term committed partners share mutually important values, ethics, and behavioral commitments that contribute to their relationship’s thriving. They may not agree on everything, but they do on what’s important to both of them. If they are in conflict, they talk openly about their value differences, and agree to respectfully negotiate if necessary. They also realize that those values and desires can change with time, and they continuously review their relationship to make certain they are current.
That bond that committed partners share takes precedent over any separate compartment that might threaten their relationship. They willingly choose those common values and behaviors and go first to each other if they need to change them. Both partners are willing to look at creative options for new behaviors, and to understand that freedom to choose is more important than obligation. The couples who have successfully created this way of relating rarely leave each other, because they do not feel entrapped by each other’s requirements.
Example:
“People always ask me how I can still be in love with the same woman after four decades. I think it’s hard for them to believe that love can continuously regenerate. Sure, we’ve had our hard times and our disagreements, but we always managed to patch things up in a better way. We make sure that the important things are continuously and intentionally processed because we want to stay in love forever.
So far, I’ve never met another woman I’d rather start and end my day with, and I’ve met a lot. I just ask myself those important questions. So far, the answer has always come out in the same place. I’m not sure what we’d do if either one of us chose an important different path that the other couldn’t support. Even if that ever happened, I can’t imagine creating what we have with another person. When you’ve been so successful with one, it gives you more courage to continue resolving anything that comes up.
She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Threats to The Relationship
Anytime a committed couple faces a crisis, whether from inside or outside the relationship, they move automatically toward strengthening their bond. They expect that there will always be threats to their connection, and that love can always weaken under continued onslaughts. These are the times when they make their relationship their highest priority and find reasons to be grateful for what they have.
When outside influences undermine their faith in the relationship, they talk openly about those vulnerabilities. Their honest and intimate capability to communicate allows them to talk about virtual outcomes without their having to live through them, and to revitalize their relationship if the threats take hold.
Any threat to the relationship is a threat to each of them individually as well. Their commitments to each other are of heart, mind, and soul; to the “oneness” that both partners covet and protect. Though they realize that, in times of anger, they may temporarily lose sight, they return to soothing each other’s sorrows as soon as they are able. Seeking to forgive and be forgiven, they work harder to remain deeply connected.
Example:
“Last year, I went to my high school reunion. Frank couldn’t come because he had the flu. I probably shouldn’t have gone alone, because I still had unresolved feelings about my first high school love and I thought he might be there. I never quite recovered from being dumped the week before graduation and I had thought that my heart would break. I grieved so hard that summer that I wondered if I’d make it to college. It was a long time ago, but some things are hard to forget.
Yes, Chad was there, alone and single.
As soon as he caught site of me, he came directly to my table and asked me if he could talk to me privately. He told me that he only came to the reunion to find me again. Then he confessed that he’d made a horrible mistake letting me go. He reached for my hand, and told me that I was more beautiful than he even remembered. I thought for just a moment what it would have been like if we’d stayed together, just wondering how my life would have been different.
Then, in the next moment, I felt Frank’s loving hand touching me, even though he wasn’t there. I felt his devotion to me and his absolute trust. I remembered what a great guy I was married to. Frank would never be doing what this man was doing. Feeling Frank’s love surrounding me again, I remembered that Chad was the same person he always was and how lucky I was that he left me.
After leaving Chad, I went out to my car and called Frank. I told him exactly what had happened and that I needed to hear his voice. He was so incredibly supportive. When I got home, there were a dozen roses on the kitchen table. I don’t even know how he got them. Next to them was a short note: “I love you and want you to be happy wherever you are. If that’s still with me, I’m luckiest guy on earth. Love, Frank.”’
I went to give him a hug. He was asleep and still feverish. I think I’m the luckiest woman on earth.”
Staying Current
Partners who keep their relationships up to date can tell very soon if something isn’t going well. They realize that either of their needs can change and that situations that were once easily resolvable may need new solutions. Partners who seek those answers early and together are not as likely to drift apart, or fall prey to outside temptations.
Even in committed relationships, at any given time, partners will not always feel love and commitment in the same way. Promise keepers do not use those temporarily separate needs to justify intimacy outside their relationship. Rather, they use those times to intentionally remember to reinforce what they love about each other. They trust that impasses happen to the best of relationships, and are not discouraged by them. Because they know that commitments are most easily broken during times of stress, they stay especially focused on the things they treasure in each other.
Example:
“I think I’m just naturally lazy when it comes to relationship problems. Before I met Bea, I’d just let things pile up and kept my resentments inside. Eventually, I’d start picking at little things until I drove my girlfriends away. That way, I could always blame the end of the relationship on her inability to handle my dark side. Boy, what a self-delusion that was.
My style was to just enjoy the good times and swallow anything I didn’t like. When our relationship started, everything was great, the way it usually is. We’d bring left-overs and wine to my place or hers and enjoy great love-making. Afterwards, I’d just want to go to sleep in her arms but she always wanted to talk. I’d just pretend to be listening and give short, probably boring answers. She didn’t complain, but the difference was obvious, and I was building up some of my old resentments. Yeah, I did it. I really hurt her one night by telling her I just wasn’t into after-sex talking.
I fully expected her to dump me after that, but she sat up and turned on the light, obviously upset. “That’s a really dumb thing to say. What’s the matter with you?”
Well, I felt guilty, and probably should have, so I let her talk. Damned if we didn’t really get down to some important stuff about what was bothering both of us. She was so unbelievably sincere and real, I felt tears I’d never known before. We ended up making love again, but this time I was really there.
Later, she told me she never wanted me to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. Thank God, she didn’t leave me for being such a jerk.
Now we talk about what we both need before we take the chance of disappointing each other by not being real. I’m slowly getting used to keeping things moving and alive. It’s still scary, but I know that this is what real love is about. I’ll never live in that cave again.”
Perspective
Promise keepers know that short-term gratifications often end up in long-term loss. Even when they are tempted by seductions, they weigh the potential consequences carefully before they act and reveal those temptations to each other.
Couples who share personal histories, common dreams, accomplishments, and losses build a powerful connection. New relationships will always have that lust edge. Committed partners often recall together the intensity of their first months together, and re-create them. They know how important it is to keep those sweet spots active and intimate, especially if they are stressed.
Perspective is the ability to keep everything that is important to both partners in mind when considering staying or leaving a relationship. It also gives long-term partners more patience and stability when times are hard. It’s good to remember that it is not necessarily easier on the outside.
Example:
“I’ve had a lot of opportunities to leave my guy. It’s not that I haven’t been tempted, especially when my guy and I are going through tough time, but then I think about the long-term picture and I realize how lucky I am to be where I am. I’ve not found one guy who would be better for me overall. Besides, when I think about never seeing Ed again, my heart hurts and I feel a little crazy inside.
Neither of us is perfect, but our good parts are so good, we stand together and solve what’s wrong. I wasn’t always this way. I used to go from one relationship to another, thinking that each one would be the real thing, the answer to forever happiness. Was I ever misinformed! Sure, the initial physical stuff is heady, but problems come up in every relationship, and I never stuck around long enough to give them a chance. I’d just figure out what I though was the inevitable ending and get out before it happened.
He taught me how to stay put and write a different ending, to keep perspective instead of running. He never preached to me or tried to hold me back if I wanted to go. He’d just remind me of what we’d created and what we’d lose if we gave it up. I’ve learned not only to hang in there, but I know now that running away is not excuse for not fighting for what you can make right.”
Mutual Respect
All couples fight. Whether just to state differences, reestablish new needs, or create the passion of separation and reconnection, the partners in committed relationships need to clear the air sometimes. Some conflicts are predictable, but others may not be, and temporary emotional separations are unavoidable.
Couples who stay faithful speak to each other with obvious respect. You can observe their compassion for each other’s point of view, even when they are at odds. It is there throughout all facets of their relationship, but especially when they are in disagreement. They listen to each other carefully and do not discount what is being said or felt, even when they may disagree. They deeply believe that each has the right to feel the way they do, and invalidation is not an option.
Mutual respect does not require agreement. Rather, it obligates both partners to find ways to expand any different worldviews by wanting to know what their lover sees, and finding ways to embrace those different realities.
Partners who respect each other have another crucial agreement; they do not embarrass each other publicly. They know that outside predators look for vulnerabilities in relationships, and that exposing differences can give them unfair leverage.
Example:
“I dated a lot of women before I met Lil. My dad treated my mother like an extension of his own needs. He treated my two sisters like they were born to serve him as well. I never saw him respect them or care about what they needed. Because my mother was a wimp and took that crap, I became more like my father, and couldn’t understand why I attracted women with low self-esteem who let me walk all over them.
With Lil, it was a different story. She let me know on our first date that I was disrespectful to the waitress. I was taken aback, but she was so damn interesting and sure of herself that I was impressed. It made me think about what I’d done and wonder why I did it. I couldn’t find any good reason for my usual behavior except that’s how I’d always been. I liked Lil’s spunk and the way she talked to me. I didn’t know a woman could be that direct and still incredibly desirable. One thing for sure; I wanted more of her.
For the next few months, I felt like I’d entered emotional boot camp. I knew I’d lose her if I didn’t do something drastic. I ended up in therapy and re-examined my whole attitude towards women. I learned that respect is always a two-sided deal. I always thought I could get women to respect me without needing to care about them. Damn, that’s not respect; that’s kowtowing to a despot. It’s hard to see yourself that way, but it’s about time.”
Inclusion
Many people struggle with defining infidelity in these sexually blurry times. Because of the ready availability of Internet access to new possibilities, even committed partners ask me to help them understand and deal with the more blatant temptations that now exist and how other couples see them. They want to maintain the sacred boundaries that will preserve their relationship, realize the affect the media is having on those around them, and seek new definitions of what they should be consider threatening. They are asking me different questions than I’ve heard in the past.
If you want to stay faithful to your partner,
Is it okay to have a “harmless” Internet relationship with someone you never see or touch if it does not contain explicit sexual invitations?
Only if you include your partner in what you are doing and why. Deceit and evasion are the problems, and they both tend to increase.
Can you watch porn as long as your partner doesn’t know about it?
If you have talked that over together and both of you agree it’s not a problem, he or she doesn’t have to tell you every time. It can still be a slippery slope if it negatively affects the frequency or quality of your sexual connection.
Is it all right to have lunch with someone you are attracted to as long as you don’t act upon your desires?
The deeper question is how you would feel if your partner did the same. Some intimate friendships can actually deepen a committed relationship, but not if they begin to offer or replace interactions that should be worked out at home.
Though most couples do not start out easily able to decipher how inclusion and exclusion works for them, they explore those compartments early in their relationship. As their commitment to faithfulness grows, they know what the answers are to these questions. They never create separate compartments that could ever threaten their partners, were they to know about them.
Think inclusion rather than exclusion. Faithful partners know the differences between privacy and secrecy. Private thoughts or actions do not necessarily threaten a relationship, but may. Anyone can be more susceptible to slipping from something innocent to a potentially dangerous situation. Faithful partners put their relationship above those possibilities.
Intimacy is about trust, trust is about honesty, and honesty is about not hiding anything. When partners have nothing to hide, they don’t end up fugitives from each other. They don’t want to harbor concerns that what they are doing could potentially threaten the sanctity of their bond.
Example:
“I used to think that anything I did or thought was my own business if I didn’t feel like sharing. I never gave a second thought to what made guys cheat on me, or whether I felt like dating two guys at once. You know, what they don’t know can’t hurt them.
After so many relationships didn’t work out, I started wondering what was wrong with me. My family never confided in each other; they actually took pride that they didn’t need to. I never considered that was just an excuse to try to get away with as much as you could without risking someone else’s judgment. We were never close and I guess I just took that teaching with me.
When I met Jed, I felt so different about my way of thinking. He never kept anything from me. I’d never met a guy like that. He just didn’t need to do anything that he couldn’t tell me about, even private things like watching porn, or who he’d dated before. He even told me about his past gambling problem and how he was in recovery.
I couldn’t believe his openness and how easy it was for him. It made me start to question my hiding and keeping separate compartments in all my past relationships. I started telling him what I’d done. I couldn’t believe anyone could be that kind.
“I love you, babe. I’ll trust you completely until you give me reason not to, but then, I’m gone. It’s your choice.”
We’ve been together twelve years. I can’t think of anything I’d ever do that could threaten him without telling him, thoughts included. If I had to hide something from this man, I’d know that I’m with the wrong guy. I never want to fear that either of us would be found doing something we didn’t expect or feel okay about. If you care that much for someone, why would you be doing anything you’d need to hide anyway?”
Satisfaction
Love waxes and wanes in every relationship. During good times, partners trust their love will grow and last, but when their relationship is challenged, committed couples focus on what brought them together in the first place and remember what they still treasure about each other. They trust that love will return as long as they nurture it .
Each partner may need different things at different times. Hungers, desires, ideals, and goals are never constant. Committed couples continually check in with each other to make certain both are feeling hopeful and okay with how their relationship is going. There is no automatic assurance that a relationship will stay intact forever, but they understand that a lack of satisfaction is never an excuse for the broken trust that infidelity creates.
Example:
“I was watching way too much porn. Even though my girlfriend knew about it and didn’t mind, I knew I was comparing those virtual experiences to us and feeling more dissatisfied with our sex. I hadn’t told her how I was feeling because I didn’t understand it myself and I thought it would pass. I know how much she loves our sexual time together and I didn’t want her to worry or feel insecure.
When she came home one day from a business trip, and I couldn’t get it up for the first time, she knew that something was different. She asked me if I were seeing someone else and I reassured her that wasn’t the problem. We talked openly about what was happening. Instead of being upset, she was incredibly loving. She told me she had read a lot about that happening to some people and that we just needed to re-examine what we needed from each other. I was totally taken off balance. She said she knew, and was just glad I wasn’t seeing someone else. We talked about my loneliness for her and my need to feel more wanted. She understood how guilty I felt and didn’t feel threatened. By the time the evening was over, we made love in a way we hadn’t for a long time.
She was really amazing. We talked through that situation in a way that most of my friends could never approach with their partners. I really love her. I never imagined a relationship like this, where you can share your most intimate worries and still regenerate your love, no matter how hard the situation is.”
Sacred Time
Faithful couples stay committed to the same core values, or change them together if they need to. They understand the pressures that relationships are under today, and how hard it is to find time to stay deeply connected. No matter what they are facing, they carefully allocate whatever time they need to regenerate their reverence for each other and the relationship.
Each couple has its own way of making those sacred commitments. Some take the time to dance a while before making love. Others take a road trip every once in a while just to spend some uninterrupted time together, listening to music and exploring new scenery. Or, they might take a weekend at a new place and spend all night talking and making love as they once did.
No matter how much partners love each other, they can still forget to speak that love when life’s demands get in the way. Faithful couples are watchful for other involvements that can cause them to drift away from their special time alone. Privacy goes beyond love-making. It requires timeless time to revere and honor what a couple can only do together.
Example:
“We’d been fighting over small things, but I knew that something didn’t feel right. The conflicts were happening more often and the time it took us to reconnect longer. Sheryl and I had never held grudges before like this and I was worried and confused.
One night after fighting for an hour over something really stupid, we looked at each other and simultaneously felt the anguishing rift growing between us. We knew that things had been rough for me at my job, and hard for her with her mom so sick, but we just didn’t realize that we’d forgotten how important we were to each other in the mix. We’d told each other when we got together that we always got better when we took the time to be alone, but somehow we’d let that commitment slide.
We talked the whole night and made arrangements the next day to spend the next weekend together somewhere beautiful, just the two of us.
We could hardly wait for the weekend to come. Our fights stopped, as if some magic process had already begun. Both of us were up before dawn, laughing easily as we packed the car. As soon as we left the house, we started holding hands. I could feel myself begin to breathe again and looked over at my girl. We both smiled at the same time, and the connection was back.”
Covering Each Other’s Backs
A relationship between committed partners is like The Three Musketeers. The symbolic triangle of long-lasting love is made up of each individual partner and the synergistic creation you think of as the relationship between them. That means that each part of the triad supports the other two.
This devotion is neither blind nor automatic. The partners in an honest, up-to-date relationship know that either voice is a representative of the other and each partner strives to speak accurately and authentically for what the other wants and needs. When either partner or the relationship, itself, is threatened in any way, the unit becomes stronger.
These couples grow closer when their relationship is challenged by outside influences. They trust each other’s truths first and are not led astray by other’s negative stories. Their intention is to become more as one, to create a union grown stronger by loyalty and support. That means that any outside influences that pull one partner away from the other are challenged by both.
Example:
“I’d been with Sean for almost a year when his roommate, Trevor, stayed with us that weekend. I watched him do everything he could to be the top gun in their relationship. Sean is so laid back, he didn’t seem to care. But I did.
Then Trevor started calling me on the weekends when Sean was out of town and I was alone. He’d start off our conversations with telling me that a beautiful girl like me shouldn’t be left by herself, as if it were a joke. I blew him off and told him to find someone else to talk to, but then he told me he was just being nice because Sean liked me so much and he wanted to protect me from predators.
I told Sean he was calling and that it was bothering me. He told me not to worry, that Trevor was just a friendly guy and liked me.
No way, I thought, and began to avoid his calls.
Then the conversations began to change. Trevor started telling me all the reasons why I shouldn’t be with Sean because he wasn’t enough man for me. I told him that Sean was the most wonderful person I’d ever known, and I wouldn’t talk to him anymore without Sean there. He told me that Sean didn’t care if we flirted because he knew Trevor was just that way and the competition would never bother him. That did it. I told him to leave me alone. He wasn’t happy and I didn’t care. No one hurts my guy without a fight from me.”
Fusion
Fusion is a poetic form of living in each other’s hearts and minds. It is the most important quality of a committed relationship, and not about obligatory connection without freedom to choose. Whether together or not, both partners have their beloved’s voice inside and every decision includes that voice.
That does not mean that a couple cannot disagree or that every internal message dictates what either partner thinks or does. It means that there is always a mutual vote before any decision is made that could affect either of them. Both partners have mastered the skills to resolve differences with concern and admiration for each other.
Example:
“I thought I was having a drink with a potential partner. Instead, in walks this hunk of a guy seemingly with something else on his mind. He tells me that his boss couldn’t make it because she was called unexpectedly out of town, and could he fill me in on the details. I was totally unprepared for the switch and didn’t expect it to be a guy out of a male model catalogue.
Stretching to regain my composure, I took out my notebook and wrote down his answers. Clearly aware of my response, he confidently began selling me on more than he was representing.
Within a minute or two, I caught myself and mentally put my sweet guy next to me as if he were with us. There must have been an obvious shift in my response because the guy changed his presentation immediately. Smart move, I thought. Then I silently blew a kiss to my absent husband and smiled inwardly, listening to the difference.
I wasn’t sure I was going to tell my husband what happened, but I couldn’t help the passionate kiss I gave him when he opened the door. I was probably embarrassed that guy could affect me that way. He started laughing and said simply, “Wow, what happened to you tonight, sweetheart?”
I told him what had happened at the meeting and we talked it over. He was so there for me, so interested in what had happened. Sure, he asked me the obvious questions and I gave him honest answers.
“Would you have been available if he’d been more direct?”
That was a hard one, because I had been tempted for that one moment.
“Not for longer than thirty seconds.”
We both started laughing. That led into a wonderful love-making session. I know that there will always be temptations but why would I ever risk losing this man for some unknown future?”
Partners who are unfaithful often cause anguishing pain to partners who innocently continue to love them. When the deceit and betrayal is discovered, it is often irreparable. It is not the sexual infidelity that causes the most damage. The most important trust in the relationship is usually permanently broken and the time and energy required to heal it is more likely to be in short reserve. Not many relationships can survive the rift and thrive again.
It is human to fall in lust or even in love with someone other than one’s committed partner. Many people cannot sustain a long-term relationship for understandable reasons. Some do better with sequential relationships, and others do better in committed relationships that deepen over time. No one should be judged harshly for those choices. But, whether sequential or long-term partners, promise keepers don’t cheat, betray, or deceive. They know that those choices never make a relationship better and most often result in painful endings that never needed to happen.
No one knows if a new relationship will become permanent, or will need to end someday. Promise keepers do know one thing that is always true. If they do their best to create great relationships, they will do everything in their capability to keep them that way while they are in them, and leave them with integrity if they cannot sustain.
When someone loses a partner they still love, they can heal more easily if they have not been replaced while they still believed the relationship was intact.

Talking to Your "Techno-Teen" - What Parents Need to Know

2011-10-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

Modern technology has changed parenting forever. Your teens today use their new phones and computers as multi-leveled, multi-faceted thinking machines intertwined with their biological brains. This mysterious alchemy has produced a language unlike anything the world has ever known.

These techno-teens spend much of every day speaking or texting into devices seemingly glued to their hands with invisible tethers. They often communicate to each other via these small computers over a hundred times a day.

Yet, for all their amazing power, these devices can only deliver only a small portion of the communication intended. Words only are ten percent of any emotionally-laced verbal connection. The other 90% is voice intonation, body language, facial expressions, and other subtle cues. Video chat can help, but cannot supplant what it is like to face or touch another person in real-time. Add the thousands of available texting abbreviations, and limited characters and misunderstandings are inevitable.

Through these magical communication devices, young people can acquire either bogus or objective knowledge without the guidance of a church, synagogue, or parent, often amassing information unknown to those responsible for their well-being. Techno-teens are at once savvy and terribly naïve. Sadly, many of their parents are woefully uneducated about this new world in which their kids spend most of their time. Because there is no such thing as personal privacy once anything is published, these young people are constantly subjected to having deepest and darkest secrets posted forever for anyone to see.

I’ve worked with hundreds of teen-agers throughout my forty-year career as a therapist. Life for them isn’t easy. They are neither children nor adults, and live every day without the protection of childhood or the status of adulthood. Their emotional brain pathways are developed by the time they are fourteen, but the “choice-option”, the long-term decision making” synaptic connections, are not fully mature until they are well into their early twenties. That leaves four vulnerable and potentially dangerous years where they are driven by hormones and passion but have not yet develop the discernment they need to make good long-term decisions.

They are my favorite people to work with. Their passionate responses to life may change from moment to moment but they are genuine and authentic. I care for them and grieve for them. In so many ways they can never be children again, and do not yet know what adults they will turn out to be. Many of them have lost faith in the heroes they once worshipped and do not trust those who does not speak their new language.

Parents who want to understand, love, and guide them must not only recognize and respect this never-known-before gap between themselves and their teens; they must learn to think and speak this new technology. Otherwise, they are likely to be seen as technical dinosaurs, relegated to a dimension that no longer exists in their teen’s world.

Meaningful traditions are still important to kids, and so are fads, friendships, and the insecurities of young love. They still want to be known, understood, and forgiven for their self-serving expectations. They still wonder what makes life worth living, and what challenges they must ultimately face. They have been thrust into new vistas that most of their parents cannot see or understand.

If you are confused by your teenager’s behaviors, as so many parents are, the following ways of interacting with them may help. Though I have garnered these tried-and-true methods from hundreds of hours with teens, these are still only suggestions. These are your kids, and you must ultimately trust your own heart.

Communication

Kids hate “trap” questions

Don’t ask a question you already know the answer to, as if you don’t. They tell me how much they hate these manipulative questions, and will resent your pretending to be innocently inquiring when you already know the answer. They will not only black out the indirect lesson you’re trying to teach, but will come up with cleverly distracting answers to intentionally confuse you. For instance, if you know your kids are lying about where they’ve been, don’t slyly try to corner them. It’s always better to be up front with the truth as you know it.

Example

What isn’t likely as likely to help:

“Did you and Molly have fun at the sleepover at her house last night? I’m sure her parents were checking up on you regularly, right? I hear that some kids pretend they’re at someone’s house but go other places, but you wouldn’t do that, would you, honey?”

What is more effective:

“Honey, I heard that you left Molly’s and went to a party. Some of your friends called me and told me you were drinking. You threw up on the floor in Molly’s bathroom later and you told her mom were probably getting the flu. I’m concerned that you might not remember what happened and could have been hurt. Can we talk about it now, or would you rather wait until tonight? We’ll have to come up with some way to handle this together, but I’d rather wait until you feel better before we come up with the answers.”

Unsolicited advice

Try to refrain from offering suggestions or asking too many questions in a row. It’s better to be straight than to sermonize. Teens often tell me that their parents never stop preaching, hovering, and advising. It is true that many kids forget and need to be reminded multiple times, even about things they really want to remember, but preaching often backfires and teaches hostile dependency rather than healthy independence. There are better ways of communicating your anxiety about their seemingly space-cadet behavior. Ask them what they need and what they think will work for them.

Try to refrain from mentioning stories about when you were a kid and how you handled things. Especially watch for eye-rolling. It’s a sure sign that your child is discounting what you’re saying.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You need to remember to bring that book tomorrow. You’ve been late on assignments with that teacher too many times, and you’re going to regret it someday. Maybe you could put a note on your mirror or something, or I can remind you when we leave the house. You are in a dream world these days, and you can’t seem to remember what’s important.”

What is more effective:

“I know you’ve felt terrible when your teacher chewed you out in front of the class for forgetting your homework. I don’t want to nag you, but I’m here to help if you want me to. Maybe you can come up with your own idea of how it would work, and then just tell me what you need. I’d be glad to take orders if you think it would solve the problem. I realize that you have to work this out on your own, but I’m available if you need me.”

Urgency for resolution

Parents often move too quickly into solving a situation without getting all the information they need to make a better decision. Try to stay calm when you have to impose consequences. Kids can tell when you’ve already made up your mind and are just putting them through a pretend choice. If you urgently communicate your upset about the situation, your kids are more likely to argue or go silent just to get the lecture over with. They usually know when you’ve already made up your mind and are more interested in making them uncomfortable than helping resolve the situation. Even when you are feeling urgent inside, your patience in getting the whole picture will pay off.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“Your teacher called me and told me that you’re late on three assignments. I’m really disappointed that you told me everything was okay when it obviously wasn’t. Your mother and I have discussed this and we both agree that you’re grounded until all these back assignments are turned in. We’re not going to tolerate your putting time with your friends ahead of school, and you’re not making good choices. You obviously need more control.”

What is more effective:

“I got a notice from your math teacher today that you’re behind a little on your homework. He was really concerned and thinks a lot of you. I was really glad he called early enough for us to still get you back on track. Can you tell me what’s going on, honey? I know you’re usually responsible about these things. I don’t want to impose consequences if I’m missing information that could change the situation.”

Mastering silence

Kids talk when they want to, not when they are pushed. When you pick them up from school, they are deeply preoccupied with a multitude of things that have gone on during the day, plus unresolved internal issues. If you start your meeting asking multiple questions, they are likely to pull in further, or respond with a snippy comment. If you are very present, seem okay yourself, and don’t push, your kids are more likely to start talking on their own. If they do, don’t be tempted to solve their problems or tell them what they should have done. Just listen without judgment. They may eventually ask for guidance. Resist the desire to over control.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“Hi. How was school? Did you get that grade back on your physics test? Did that girl finally talk to you? I was thinking about that math test coming up and I wondered if we should get you a tutor. What do you think? Oh, and your sister is bringing home some friends from college this weekend. Would you mind very much sleeping in the den, just for two nights. It would really help out? Are you hungry?”

What is more effective:

“Hi, honey. Glad to see you. Hope your day was good. I’d love to hear what’s on your mind if you feel like talking.”

Then be still and wait for them to share. Keep your responses less talkative then theirs and don’t worry about silences or their choice to listen to their music.

Keep your corrections short

Kid’s ears close down quickly when they have to listen to something unfavorable. Most parents way overdo their corrections and worries, and most kids are expecting them already. If you seem driven or worked up, they will respond to your angry disappointment and accuse you of being wrong or mean. Their indiscretion can easily be eclipsed by pulling you into an argument, eclipsing your initial concern.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You left your room a mess again. That’s the fourth time this month, and you knew we had guests coming. I do so much for you and I ask so little in return, and then you just ignore me. I’m getting to the point where I just don’t believe you anymore. What’s going to happen when I’m not around? I need some respect here. I wonder if you even care unless you want something. I’m sick and tired of this behavior. I want it changed, and now.”

What is more effective:

“I need to talk to you for just a couple of minutes. It’s about the mess in your room that you promised would be cleaned by yesterday. I know this is probably not something you want to talk about, and I’m not here to make you feel guilty or to defend yourself. Give me just a minute and please just try to listen.

We agreed you would keep your room picked up in exchange for the things you wanted me to do for you. I’d like to make this work between us but I don’t want to do what we’ve done before because it hasn’t worked. Let’s do it differently so both of us can get what we want. Tell me what you think would work better and I’ll give you my input. We can resolve this together if we can agree to the same goal. I don’t want to punish you and I don’t want you to disappoint me again. Let’s put something together that works.”

Teaching

Every parent’s job is to teach their child what the outside world expects of them and how they can thrive someday on their own. You want them to use their talents, personality, and knowledge to become successful adults. Unfortunately, teens usually don’t like to be told what to do unless they are the ones asking for help, and that’s usually in the middle of a time-sensitive crisis that can eclipse the deeper issues at hand.

Teenagers tell me all the time that they’re not sure they want to grow up because they’ve never met an adult who seems happy. At this stage of their lives, they are passionately programmed to be drawn toward pleasure and away from pain. As a result, they are more likely to listen to adults who are having a great time in their own lives. Because they are searching for a future that is not primarily problem-oriented, they will hear you so much better if you seem to have mastered that process.

If you are trying like most of us to keep up in this ever-demanding world, your teenagers most probably see you too often tired and stressed, rather than excited and confident. Being stressed-out is not a convincing platform from which to dispense advice they would want to follow. Today’s teens don’t believe their parents can possibly understand the new technological world they live in. This has been true for teenagers in every generation but today the gap is wider and harder to traverse from either side.

If parents are not savvy about the world of technology, they cannot begin to understand their teen’s intense attachment to their hand-held computers and the intensity behind the connections they provide to their world. Many parents do know how to text, but the majority of what they send is about concerns and instructions. Text them more frequently about fun things that matter to you, or something they might be interested in, like “I saw a gr8 lkn kid at the bch 2day that reminded me so mch of U.” J

Healthy reactive narcissism

Teenagers are focused inward. They appear frighteningly narcissistic and often do not realize the impact of their behaviors on the people around them. Most of them are not pathological or mean, even when they seem selfish. The moving earthquake inside is enough to keep them preoccupied.

Most parents bend over backwards to accommodate their teenagers, and are then disappointed or feel ripped off when their kids seem to erase everything that they’ve gotten in light of their new, urgent need. Sometimes it is better to let them know that you have needs from them as well that are more important than theirs are at the time. You need to tell them without your own guilt or conflict, and deliver the message without using sarcasm or the need to punish.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You want me to drop everything and take you to the mall, now? Don’t you think I have anything else to do but make sure your life works? I asked you yesterday what you needed for that project and you blew me off. Why should I just be here like a shelf person so you can use me whenever you feel like it? You only think of yourself and what’s important to you. Maybe you should think of me, just once in a while.”

What is more effective:

“Apparently this is really important and you forgot to let me know earlier. I do that, too sometimes. It would be really hard for me to let go of what I’m doing right now, but I’d feel better about it if you can you sweeten the deal a little for me. That way I won’t feel taken advantage of and you can get what you want too. If you can help me out a little, I’ll have a little time in about an hour to help you get what you want.”

Staying calm

If you can put aside guiding your techo-teen when you are stressed out, you are much more likely to be effective. Parents who are over tired, anxious, angry, irritable, or in a hurry tend to preach often expect an immediate resolution. You won’t always be able to avoid those feelings when time is short, but if there is any option, wait until you feel more centered and in control of yourself.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“Just get in the car. I have fifty things to do in the next few hours and I have a presentation for work tomorrow. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get everything done and take care of your mistakes at the same time. As long as you keep procrastinating, your life is going nowhere. You could have asked your brother to help you last weekend but you were too busy doing things you wanted to do. You need to plan for these things and not put the burden on other people. If you’d only get this lesson, you’d make your own life better, too. Just listen to me, for once, okay?”

What is more effective:

“I’m really stressed now, and this isn’t a good time for me to tell you what’s wrong. Can you get this situation under control for now and I’ll try to help you later when I’m thinking a little straighter and not so upset. I don’t want to overreact and I know I would if I tried to solve this issue now, I’d handle it badly. Get going on your homework as soon as we get home, and I’ll help you reorganize later.”

Withholding truth

The next lesson for you may be hard but crucial. Don’t over-exaggerate or keep the truth away from your kids, unless it is too personal and it would not be appropriate to share. Kids know when we are making things up to drive the point home and they also get it when we’re being hypocritical. If you want to teach them anything, stay clear about your objectives, your reasons, and your desires.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You’ll never get into the college you want if you don’t change your study habits. I know you do well on tests, but you’re going to be up against much more competition and you have no idea how much harder it’s going to get. I remember the kids in my high school that made bad choices the way you do. They didn’t get anywhere in life. You’re really treading on thin ice here, and I won’t always be here to bail you out. This isn’t my life, you know. It’s about you. I’m not making any decisions for you. This is your deal.”

What would be more effective:

“I realize you have your own way of doing things and I respect that, but I’m concerned that what you’re doing now won’t hold up as well when the competition is stronger. I know I can’t make you want to do things and I don’t feel comfortable trying to force you to, but I know how much potential you have and I’m worried you’re going to blow it. I know lots of kids are late bloomers and maybe you are, too, but I’m concerned you’re taking things for granted and don’t understand what you’re going to be up against. I won’t hide my disappointment if you don’t agree, but I do want you to know the truth about how I’m feeling.”

Re-educating Yourself

Sanctioning

Your kids are constantly on the Internet or learning things from each other. Like some of us, they read anything that is short, interesting, sexual, or about relationships. They read what their friends tell them to whether it is good for them or not. You need to know what they are reading and what they feel about it.

Don’t try to teach them about situations they may possible already know more about than you do. Let them know that you are comfortable with potentially awkward situations so they can anticipate your interest and support. Don’t require that they respond at the time. Their embarrassment at your just mentioning those delicate subjects may take a while to subside, and just knowing you are receptive can make a huge difference.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“How many hours of porn are you watching a week? Do you know that isn’t the way normal people really act? I’m afraid you’re really neglecting your schoolwork and your grades show it. I’ve read that porn is addictive and could ruin your real relationships. Porn isn’t about love, you know, or real caring. You better think about what this is doing to you.”

What is more effective:

“I realize that most boys your age watch porn a lot, but you seem to be losing sleep and not doing as well in school since you started. I respect your privacy, but I also know that porn is only the physical part of sex. Please make sure it doesn’t negatively affect how you treat your partners. You do read a lot about the things you care about, and I just hope you’re getting a good sense of a broader picture. You know, the way you’ll be with someone you love someday.”

Getting your kids to stay in touch

You have probably noticed that techno-teens don’t answer their telephones anymore, but they will usually respond to a text relatively quickly (if they’re not anticipating a negative reaction). They can come up with pretty obvious stories when they don’t want to connect, like “I lost my phone,” or “My friend had my phone,” or “My battery was dead.” It is, on the other hand, amazing how easily they can reach you when they need to. Suddenly everything works. Make an agreement with your kids so they know when they need to respond right away, or whether they can put it off if they’re in to something important.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You’re so busy doing what you want to do that you don’t bother texting me back until you have nothing better to do. Well, guess what? If I call, it’s important and you need to make it that way for you, too. When you don’t, I worry that you’re in trouble, or just being selfish. I know you don’t make your friends wait, so treat me with the same respect. I pay for that phone, and I can take it away from you whenever I want to. You need to see it as a privilege, not an entitlement. You’re really taking advantage of my generosity and I don’t like it.”

What is more effective:

“I know you don’t want your friends to think I’ve got you on a leash or something, but when I text you to call me right back, and you don’t, I get really concerned. Can we come up with a message that lets you know I need to talk to you right away? I’ll do the same. I’d also be okay if you let me know in advance when you might have plans that are hard to interrupt, and I’d gladly make exceptions. But I do need a special code for crucial situations.

Knowing More about Your Teen’s World

The techno-teens of today can communicate to each other in code. Some of those abbreviations are commonly used but some are privately created between friends. You should get on the Internet and explore the many sites that will at least expose you to those that are typical. There are multiple drugs (including new designer drugs), a plethora of Internet information, and technical gadgetry that have never been around before. It has never been more important for parents to be aware of what’s out there and what your teen is exposed to every day.

There are many things that your teen won’t, and perhaps shouldn’t need to share with you. The best chance you’ll always have is to have a great relationship of mutual respect. Kids who don’t expect judgmental or prejudicial responses are more likely to share what they are feeling and doing.

Drugs

No kid takes recreational drugs for the negative side effects. You should know what drugs they are taking, why the0y are attracted to them, and what they are trying to feel or avoid feeling. Learn the street names of all of the drugs as well as their interactions with other drugs and medicines. Get on the Internet and read about designer drugs, the new group of mind altering substances that can cause terrible damage, but are not detectable in drug tests. Your teen will not respect you if you use incorrect terminology, or exaggerated statistics that they know are not true. If they suspect that you are exaggerating for effect, they will write you off.

Many of the drugs that teens regularly take are potentially significantly harmful over time, especially in large quantities or mixed with others. Those levels of intoxication assure that the user’s memories will be altered and some behaviors forgotten. That means that, after a drug and/or alcohol binge, they won’t be able to reconstruct what they’ve done or why. Teens should have at least one adult they can talk safely to without fear of judgment or consequences. They desperately need unbiased factual information, and how to change their self-destructive decisions.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You’ve been acting really weird lately. Tell me what’s going on in your life. Are you doing drugs? I know that most of your friends are drinking. If you don’t tell me what you’re doing, or let me read your texts, I’ll find out some other way, so it might as well come from you. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on. If you shut me out, you’re just going to get in more trouble. If you end up getting in trouble, don’t accuse me of not asking.”

What is more effective:

“Honey, I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the Internet. I know the recent statistics on drugs and alcohol and what kids are like when they’re abusing them. I know at least one of your good friends is using and has started cutting too. When she was very drunk, she told one of my friends that she might be pregnant.

I’ve read up on all the new drugs and I’m really worried about you because you have the symptoms of using several of them. I also know that you and your new girlfriend seem really tight. If you need some help, I’m here for you. I’ve taken a course in alcohol and drug use so I think I understand what you’re facing. I’m not here to hurt or punish you. Whatever it is please let me in so we can do this together.”

Discipline

Most kids feel that they can make their own decisions without help from you. At the same time, they rely on us to help them make their lives work. That combination of rebellion and dependence can make them surly and less likely to get what they want. They can be needy and frightened one moment, and independent the next. They make foolhardy decisions that can result in terrible consequences they could not predict.

Most parents hate being the wardens that their role demands. They would so rather their children act responsibly and self-preserving so they wouldn’t need to maintain constant watchfulness, control, and direction.

Most kids want more freedom than they have the capacity to handle, while believing they can handle themselves without outside direction. They are bound to make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. Parents desperately want those mistakes to not be life-threatening or permanently damaging. They want their kids to get through their teenage years educated and undamaged.

Techno-teens have so many more opportunities to connect with people who can influence them more than their parents can. They have multiple options that did not exist before, both pleasurable and potentially dangerous. They can protect their privacy, and maintain their secrecy, and are easily able to divert most of their parent’s awareness or knowledge.

The kids today have myriads of ways to use technology to protect their privacy and maintain their secrecy, but they are often woefully ignorant of how anything they post on any site is vulnerable to the rest of the world, often forever. Though they can debug or avoid monitoring devices, have multiple sites on Facebook, delete suspicious messages, and cover up drug tests, they cannot keep the eyes of eager profit takers from knowing the most intimate details of their lives.

Many parents do not yet know the power of rapid texting. It is so efficient that teens can fill an unsupervised house within minutes. I’ve seen two-hundred kids at an impromptu party within thirty minutes. They often bring their own drugs and alcohol, and are not aware of the fringe self-invitees who can search and steal rapidly.

With so much opportunity through their technical know-how, the teenagers of today are harder to track and to control. Consequences only work if the teen understands and has agreed with the agenda. We’ve given our children the right to speak and to have freedoms they have never enjoyed before, but do not have a great enough understanding of the ramifications. They can get support from their friends, but it is not always in the direction that will help, and many friends drop away when they are needed most.

Create consequences with your teen’s cooperation

Most children, even small ones, can tell you a lot about what they need from you in order to behave as they are expected. Some teens need tight control with instant and firm consequences. Others can be given more latitude. But all can participate in the process of helping their parents to be more effective in raising them.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You need to do your homework before you get on those computer games. Once you’re on, you don’t get off. You’re addicted to those damn things. I’ve read that they can ruin your mind if you keep that up. If you can’t control yourself, I’m going to have to do it for you, even if I have to take away privileges. You’re not going to become one of those computer geeks that can’t relate to people. I just don’t understand why spending all your time on the Internet when you could be doing something productive.”

What is more effective:

“I know how much you love those games. You seem like you’re in an altered mental state and so focused on what you’re doing. I’m just concerned about how disconnected you are from everything else in your life, including us. I do believe that some of the skills they teach you are really important. The problem is your homework suffers and I can see your grades falling. I know that you’ll get this phase of your life under control eventually, but I want you to realize how it pulls you away from other things we both care about. Let’s talk about what we can do to let you hold on to the fun without regrets later on.”

Making the “punishment fit the crime”

Always use consequences that both of you have agreed upon, and which are suitable for the seriousness of the situation. When you stay firm on a consequence, express compassion for the distress your teens will feel. You don’t have to be angry to keep them on track.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You really blew this. You stayed on that stupid computer after you promised you’d clean the garage before I got home. I’ve had about enough of this. You’re losing your phone, computer privileges, and you’re not going to the game with me tonight. In fact, you’re grounded for the rest of the weekend. Maybe you’ll get it into your thick head that I mean business.”

What is more effective:

“I reminded you twice yesterday and once this morning about our deal. You get the garage clean by the time we need to leave for the game and we can have a great night. If you stay on your computer the whole day, and there’s no time left for you to keep your promise, I’ll have to break mine and go to the game without you. I’m really going to miss you, and I hope you’ll remember for the next time.”

Parole

Use parole when a deal has been broken. That means giving your teen the instant ability to begin working off the consequences according to what both of you have agreed in advance. When teens are facing a consequence that is irrefutable, even if they have agreed to it in advance, they are likely to rebel or retreat from you because they are angry. Giving them the chance to begin doing good things right away shortens the consequence time and gets them on the right track faster. Working off the loss takes their guilt and shame away while simultaneously gaining your approval.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You can’t use your phone or your iPad for the entire weekend so you better start thinking of something you’re going to do instead. No TV either. Maybe you could read a book for a change. And I don’t want any disgusted looks or rude remarks. You knew what you were doing, so take your punishment like an adult.”

What is more effective:

“You didn’t make curfew or remember to call. We agreed ahead of time what the consequences would be if that happened again. I hate being the one that has to lay down the law, but that was our agreement. You can take your consequence, or you can work it off and get your privileges back sooner. Let’s look on the list we put together. What I want for you is to get the lesson, but not have to waste your time feeling angry and upset when you have the power to change that. I love you.”

Do rules or relationships come first?

Rules always work better in a close and mutually respectful relationship. With those kinds of connections the teenagers are more likely to honor the rules set out for them. Withholding love to punish never works well and often backfires. A combination of fair rules and plenty of love is the best balance.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You know the rules and I don’t give a damn how you feel right now. You obviously don’t care about me and I’m not too crazy about you right now, either. So get in there and do what I said and no complaints. I don’t want to see your face or hear your whining until you’ve done what you said you would. Rules are rules and you knew what I expected. Remember, love is not free. You have to earn it.”

What is more effective:

“Yes, I’m disappointed in what you did. You knew what I expected and you agreed. Perhaps I shouldn’t have given you the reward before you completed your end of the deal. That is probably my fault and maybe we should try it another way. Now you’re going to have to miss that party tonight. I feel sorry for you that you can’t go, but that was the agreement. I want you to do the things you love, but you have to do what you promise or take the consequences. I hope you can remember so you don’t have to suffer this again.”

Choose your battle times

Do not set consequences for a transgression when you’re angry. When kids are drunk or drug-loaded, tired, sick, or in real trouble, they often can’t hear them anyway, and are more likely to rebel against them. It’s always better to let your teen know that you are upset, but wait until both of you are calmer before deciding how to handle the problem. You will be more fair and believable if you are not blowing up. The consequences will be easier for your teen to accept, especially if they were agreed upon in advance. Timing is everything.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“I’m really mad at you right now. You knew how much I had to do today and you still kept me waiting for an hour. Maybe I should just keep you waiting when you want to go somewhere. Then you can see how it feels. You’re obviously not listening. Just get in the car and shut up. You’re not going anywhere today, and forget about the party tonight. I’ve had it with you. ”

What is more effective:

“I’m really angry right now and I’m probably overreacting. I’ve had a hard day and so have you. We need to decide on some consequences that will help you learn not to do this again, but this is not the right time. Just go get something to eat and get started on your homework. We’ll figure this out later when we’re both in a better mood.”

Adding consequences unfairly

Whenever you can, avoid adding additional consequences that you and your teen have not agreed upon before. It is too typical of most parents to put on these “political riders,” when they have their child’s attention. Stay with the issue at hand and only from prior agreement whenever possible. There will be times when your teen does something neither of you have talked about before. You should still talk about what is fair under the new circumstances and use that time to make new agreements if necessary.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“You’ve broken the rules, acted like an idiot, and didn’t do what you were supposed to. I know we agreed that you could work this off if you got your project done early, but now I think that’s not enough punishment so I’m going to take your phone away for two days. You can do the dishes for a week, too. And empty the dishwasher. Maybe then you’ll think this through better next time.”

What is more effective:

“You’ve put this off until the last minute again and we’re both stressed out. I know most kids your age don’t want to think about things they don’t want to do, but we agreed that you would give up your TV time for a week if you made that choice. That’s your only consequence. When you’re done, you can get your privileges back. If you want some ideas on what else to do during that time, I’m here to talk.”

Appropriate humor

Whenever possible, use humor and keep your perspective. Don’t over-react. If a teen comes home drunk, for example, don’t jump on them or the situation at the time. Tell them you’re concerned and upset, but ease through those initial moments and stay controlled. If they know you are strong and firm, they will not think that it’s all okay because you aren’t reacting in the moment. And you can still be compassionate even when you are angry. Telling your child that you are sorry he or she made decisions that will cost them does not mean they will get out of their agreements or the consequences.

Example

What is not likely to help:

“Are you drunk? You’re acting weird and walking funny. I knew I shouldn’t have let you go to that girl’s house tonight. She’s no good. Did you have sex? Don’t you think before you do something so stupid? I realize you can’t even stand up but you’re going to listen to me as long as I need to talk to you.”

What is more effective:

“You’re eyes are red and you’re staggering. I can smell pot and alcohol. I’m glad you didn’t drive yourself home. Before you blow through this breathalyzer, what blood alcohol level do you think you’re going to register, so you can calibrate how you feel when you’ve had this much. I’ll get you something to eat and help you get to bed, and then we’ll talk in the morning. When you wake up, be prepared to tell me anything I might hear later from someone else. I’m sad that you broke your promise to us, and I need to find out what would have made you do that and how much trouble you’re really in. After we put all the facts together, we can talk about consequences.”

Privacy and Secrecy

Masturbation is private. Doing illegal drugs with friends in the bedroom is secret. Privacy doesn’t hurt anyone. Secrecy can hide potential disasters. You and your teen should have agreements on which are which and regularly go over them. This is a rapidly changing time for young people, and differences may occur rapidly. Your teenager should know ahead of time that the breaking of a secrecy agreement gives you full permission to do whatever you deem necessary to solve the situation.

Kids will not often agree that their secrets are, or could be, damaging to them or others. You should discuss with them what your concept of what potentially dangerous secrets would be, and listen to theirs. You should also make it possible for your teens to talk to you about concerns they may have for friends who are in trouble. They need to know, in advance, what the consequences would be for what they are going to tell you.

Example

What isn’t likely to help:

“What are you up to in there? Open this door, God dammit. It’s two o’clock in the morning. You’re probably watching porn or playing video games. You know the rules on a school night and you’re defying me. If you keep doing this, I’ll take your damn lap top and lock it up somewhere. Maybe you just need to be treated like a baby. You’re sure acting like one.”

What is more effective:

“Honey, it’s two o’clock in the morning and you have a math test in zero period. I know you’re curious and it’s hard to watch that stuff when people are around and could accidently walk into your room at the wrong time. Your body is your own and you need your privacy but I want you to get enough sleep. Please turn off the computer and get to sleep. I could tell you how to run your life, but I’d rather we solve this together. We’ve both agreed that school comes first and your late-night choices second. I know this may be an embarrassing issue between us, but it’s my job to protect you, even it’s sometimes from yourself.”

Checking your skills

If you have learned about current technology and “smart phones,” you will be in a better position to handle the new teen-rearing challenges. They may seem sometimes overwhelming but you must learn to work with them for the sake of better connections with the young people in your lives.

Here is a simple questionnaire to help you remember. You can take it over and over to remind yourself of your promises to your kids, and to yourself. Answer each question with the number that corresponds to the following:

Most of the time = 5

Frequently = 4

Some of the time = 3

Occasionally = 2

Not usually = 1

1. When you’re with your teenager, are you the kind of person he or she would love to become? _____

2. When it’s appropriate, can you use comfort and compassion when disciplining?_____

3. When you feel like your teen expects too much, are you willing to renegotiate?_____

4. Have you mastered the art of selective silence?_____

5. Do you avoid trap questions?_____

6. Are you able to resist giving unsolicited advice?_____

7. Can you listen before you form judgments?_____

8. Does your teen have a say in how you raise him or her?____

9. Do you remember that rules work better when the underlying relationship is strong?___

10. Have you learned enough about technology to communicate effectively?____

11. Are you up-to-date on what your teen is learning, and what the sources are?____

12. Are you able to stay quiet and not over-react in the middle of a crisis?____

13. Do you keep your corrections short and to the point?____

14. Do you try to not take things personally?____

15. Can you table important discussions with your teenager if either of you is stressed out?___

16. Are you able to teach without being preachy or hypocritical?____

17. If you send text messages, do some avoid instructions, requests, or corrections?____

18. Can you bring up difficult subjects with confidence and authority?____

19. Do you know the difference between privacy and secrecy?____

20. Do you live by the same commitments as you want them to?____

Add up your scores. Even though you’re aiming for the highest score, the total is not as important as what it tells you about your own effective parenting in this new technological world. You can learn to be stronger and more successful in any of these areas.

Given life’s normal stresses, you may find it difficult to keep your own daily frustrations from affecting your kids. Your techno-teens are facing daily challenges of their own. If you can communicate in their language, you can close many of the gaps that keep you apart.

The good news is that today’s teens do respect your willingness to learn the new technology. They’re proud of it and usually want to teach it to you. They may pretend their four hundred friends on Facebook are true friends, but they do know better. They may be struggling with the emptiness of superficial hook-ups, but they want true love as much as any generation has before them. They may use more covert ways to attain their goals, but value parents who are way ahead of them.

Techno-teens desperately want mentors they can follow. It is our responsibility to provide them with our willingness to meet them where they are. Without that communication connection, we will lose the ability to teach them what we know about succeeding in the world they will inherit.

Bitterness - Love's Poison

2011-09-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

Of all the barriers that discourage committing to a new lover, the wall of bitterness is the most deadly. There is no greater warning sign to a potential relationship than cynicism about the past. Those black clouds signal the presence of a failure-demon, who lies in wait for the first time you do not meet his or her expectations.

Bitter, cynical, pessimistic people often attract “cheerleaders” who are determined to bring light into their darkness. These ever-hopeful “happiness makers” are somehow confident that they will be ones who can make the difference. If only they hang in there and keep those positive behaviors coming, maybe their partners can find true love in the ruins of their multiple failures.

If you have tried to love bitter people, you are well acquainted with their legitimate reasons for their ongoing suffering. Your chronically unhappy lovers may have become attached to the cynical character they have become. If so, you may have been daunted, trying desperately in vain to save them from themselves.

More than likely, the harder you tried to love them, the more strongly they held on to their unhappiness. You may have been determined to love them, but eventually got tired of carrying those cheerleading pom-poms. Sadly, when you finally did give up, your cynical partners have added one more reason to their expectations of relationship failures.

To recognize a resolutely bitter person early on, listen for statements like these:

“I don’t really expect much out of relationships anymore. They seem to start out okay, but eventually something always happens to trip them up. Haven’t you found the same disappointments?”

“Let’s face it, when the hot sex quiets down, your partner is bound to be unhappy with you. They always start out supportive, but eventually find fault when you don’t live up to all their expectations.”

“I don’t think people are really meant to be together for a long time. The bad stuff adds up, and the good stuff can’t compete. I don’t know one great relationship that makes it through the rapids. Mine certainly haven’t, and I don’t expect them to anymore.”

If you are attracted to these tragically sorrowful people and are just naturally compassionate, you may be tempted to try to help them, especially if they have other attractive qualities. Be especially careful if that person tells you that you’re different from all their past lovers, even possibly the one person who could understand them. If you believe that story, know that it will be a zero tolerance test. Your partner has been disappointed many times in the past, and is hoping against hope that your love will overcome their fears. If you question their repeatedly returning to their cynical viewpoint, they may accuse you of no longer caring, just like everyone before you.

How is Bitterness Created?

No one is born bitter. It is a learned attitude, most often from pessimistic, cynical, or hopeless caregivers. Sadly, small children are the most effected by consistent negative messages like these:

“Don’t count on anything and you won’t be disappointed.”

“No one deserves anything good. Maybe you’ll be lucky and maybe you won’t.”

“No one is really happy. Don’t even think about it.”

“Happiness doesn’t last. There is always going to be something bad in your life.”

“Life is hard. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Why should you be any luckier?”

“Why do you think you deserve love? It’s not automatic, you know, and more likely to go away than stick around.”

Hope is a natural way to envision a future that is better than the present. Despair diminishes hope, and instead sees a life of continued suffering. Every person needs to know that they have some control over that process. The absence of possibility can cause despondency, defeat, and hopelessness. If children are instead given messages that hope is always possible, they can reach beyond disappointments and seek fulfillment even when their lives are hard.

Some people are more internally resilient than others. Despite having more heartaches than most, they can still maintain hope. But most are not so fortunate. The continuous crushing of dreams, or a lifetime of repeated failures, can push anyone down.

When people experience loss after loss, they may unconsciously create behavior patterns that sabotage new options. The natural result of too many broken dreams or unfulfilled expectations is a lessened willingness to try again. They now see successful love relationships as an impossible realization.

Different Kinds of Bitterness

Bitterness can be expressed in many ways, but the following five are the most common. Unfortunately, they are not mutually exclusive.

Ø Bitterness handed down trans-generationally

Ø Bitterness from depression or other organic causes

Ø Bitterness from broken promises and lost dreams

Ø Bitterness that results from unrealistic expectations

Ø Bitterness from trauma, neglect, or abuse

Trans-generational Bitterness

Pessimistic attitudes can be passed down through generations, even when the original reasons for cynicism no longer exist. Unfair discrimination, blocked access to new ways of life, or attachment to restrictive traditions, can keep families from believing that change is a viable option. They feel that keeping their children hardened to vulnerability and low in expectations will protect them from unpredictable pain. They toughen their family members early, never allowing them to hope or dream beyond what is readily available. If any of their children aspire beyond those limitations, or attach themselves to optimistic outsiders, those children may be threatened with punishment or exile.

Some cultures treasure their cynicism as part of their lore. They feel that passion and loss are one, and that despondency is part of life. You will find bitterness and cynicism hard to release if it has always been a part of your culture. That will be especially true if you have chosen a partner who does not have the same background.

Depression or other Organic Causes

A genetic predisposition to depression can make the most hopeful of situations appear bleak and untrustworthy. Unlike grief, which has a specific loss to endure and permits hope, clinical depression feels more like an open-ended prison sentence without chance of parole. Sleep eludes, appetite wobbles, self-esteem is non-existent, and energy for life wanes. Those suffering from depression may have difficulties managing sleep and appetite, have no energy for life, and feel inadequate and undeserving. For them, life becomes a continuous ground hog day of limited and unsatisfying experiences.

They can feel hopeful at the beginning of a relationship because new experiences create brain chemicals that offset depression for a while. With positive qualities to offer, they can attract rescuers who can temporarily undo their negative attitude. Eventually the depression will re-emerge, making them likely to defeat their partner and end up alone again. Cynicism that results from innate depression can be treated. Once the depression abates, they must then challenge the habits they believed were intractable.

Genetic abnormalities that lower serotonin and dopamine levels are sometimes the basis for depression. Chronic illness also can cheat people of life’s beauty. It may destroy hope, and cause heartbreaking results, such as lost relationships, financial ruin, or physical incapacities. Some people find ways to rise above these unwanted trials, and still create new options for whatever is still possible. Others find solace in their legitimate reasons for hopelessness, and cannot change their expectations.

Depressed people can always be helped by a loving and concerned support network but, unless they are willing to receive that assistance, even well-intended friends and lovers will eventually give up.

Broken Promises and Lost Dreams

In every stage of life, many people weave their experiences into their dream of an ideal romantic relationship. Children absorb from their parents and other adults. Young people join social networks, text continuously, watch TV, attend movies and concerts, and create the person they feel they might be able to love forever. Throughout all of their lives, people seek to find that perfect person, that ever-lasting love.

Whether from unrealistic expectations, bad luck, or choosing the wrong people, all relationship seekers come up against unanticipated barriers. With each new disappointment, they can either store up anger, hurt, and disillusionment, or they can learn from their mistakes and try again. Over time, repeatedly choosing the negative option can result in cynicism. Cynical people often end up pushing away the very people they want to be loved by. With those repeated failures, they may start to believe that they will never have a long-term, loving relationship. If they can understand that their cynicism is learned, they can faith that they can learn a new way.

Past Failures from Unrealistic Expectations

Most people do everything they can to make their relationships work, but can’t seem to find the right person, do the right thing, or avoid unforeseeable problems. They may not be aware that they are repeating sabotaging patterns, or choosing partners similar to those who have hurt them.

As children, they may have been taught unrealistic expectations and to overlook good potential partners. As adults, they may not have accurately assessed their social marketability. Alternatively, they may have unconscious barriers to learning successful relationship behaviors. If they continue to have these unrealistic expectations, they may repeatedly fall in love with people who are disinterested and will not reciprocate their desires.

Whatever the reasons, their mounting losses begin to discourage and disillusion them. Their expectation of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and they begin each new relationship with a pre-defeated attitude, creating the same patterns that didn’t work before.

Most partners try to lead with their best selves and then slowly reveal the parts of them that may not be as desirable. Counting on what they have created, they hope that the relationship will survive. Long-term relationships require new skills and cannot continue if they are not mastered. If people continue to repeat old patterns that have not worked in the past, they will be continually disappointed.

Trauma and Abuse

This is the hardest of all categories because trauma victims have much reason to be bitter, often long before they begin to search for an adult relationship. They may have suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to protect them, and then found themselves in adult relationships with no choice but to endure unfair and punitive pain. By the time they understand that they deserve better treatment, they are hyper-sensitive to the slightest indications that abuse may occur again.

Early trauma can teach a child that relationships are supposed to include abuse or neglect. Their adult attitudes of pessimism, discouragement, disillusionment, and disbelief are protective barriers to keep pain away. Unfortunately, when they connect with a new abuser, those early memories can feel familiar. Abuse victims may find themselves unconsciously pulled towards what they know, even if it hurts them. Once in damaging relationships, they may not even recognize the abuse or neglect, tolerating more than they should.

Or, on the contrary, they may see abuse or neglect even where it is not occurring, or at a much higher level of intensity than some others would feel. Their anticipation of being hurt can emerge as a low frustration tolerance, and they may overreact with hostility, sarcasm, and distancing of their own, driving love away before it stands a chance.

Is it Possible to Leave Bitterness Behind?

Bitterness hurts, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. People appear to hold on to it to protect themselves from more pain. It does shield them from more hurt, but also from love as well. Cynical relationship seekers, bitter from the heartbreaks of the past, may not allow for a new and dangerous future. That engulfing sorrow holds open a painful wound of disappointed memories, even when the lovers who caused them are long gone.

Yes, people can leave bitterness behind. To do so, these wounded people must process the causes of their despair, hopelessness, cynicism, and pessimism. Here is what they need to do to regain hope for a better outcome in the future:

Prepare a thorough and realistic assessment of what they have endured.
Be willing to face how past partners have hurt them and where they, themselves, may have contributed to holding on to their bitterness.
Examine the lessons learned, vow not to repeat them, and formulate how to act differently in the future.
Know what they are able to change, and where they will need allies in their healing to accept their broken places.
Using all of the above, re-program their emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual selves to be able to face the future with renewed confidence.

Here is an example:

Clarissa’s Story

Clarissa grew up in a broken home. Her parents, both drug addicts, were rarely home. She was a Cinderella child, made to do most of the household maintenance, and given no encouragement to develop her talents or to encourage her dreams. She was expected to take care of her two younger brothers in her parent’s absence, often without adequate food or clothing available. Her only option was to beg the neighbors to share some of their groceries. She missed school on a regular basis because there was no one to take care of the boys and there were no other possible arrangements.

Her grandparents told her she shouldn’t expect more because her parents were “doing the best they could.” When she asked for help, they shrugged and said they didn’t have any money. She would have to make things happen for herself, just as they had to.

Her father and mother kept telling her that someday she could have all the things she wanted, but those promises were never kept as the money for them went to drugs and unpaid obligations. Her teachers encouraged her to keep trying because she was “so gifted,” though they had little extra time or supplies to give. They reassured her that there would be people someday to help her, but those hopes never came true. She started working as early as she could lie about her age, and dreamed alone about the Prince Charming who would for certain come when it was finally her time.

At seventeen, she met Todd. He saw the beauty in her spirit and wanted to save her from her pain and suffering. They married in two months. Her parents seemed glad that she would no longer be their burden. The younger boys were taking care of themselves, and it was one less mouth to feed.

She believed that Todd truly loved her and that her prayers were answered. They were soul mates and destined to be together forever. She was filled with a hope she had only been able to fantasize before. Eighteen months after they were married, he left for Iraq. She never saw him again.

Broken and frightened, she used Todd’s military death benefits to go to school. Used to heavy demands, she was able to work nights and go to school during the day. She missed Todd desperately, and was willing to accept anyone who would offer her solace. Within a year, she fell in love with a married professor who assured her that he had separated permanently from his wife, and would be with her in only a few months.

When she became pregnant, he handed her an envelope filled with money and told her to take care of it. He was not present at the abortion, and afterward announced that he and his wife had reconciled. He ended the relationship and told her to contact him again.

Living alone, Clarissa finished her undergraduate and graduate studies before her twenty-ninth birthday. Her mother and father had both died, and her brothers had disappeared from her life. She had few friends, and no time to find more. Her well-paying job gave her a financially secure life, but she felt deeply that love was something she would never know again. Her only relationships were the people she saw in church each week, and she carefully avoided deepening any of those connections.

At thirty, she was informed that her youngest brother had been killed in the war. In a grief that she could no longer suppress, Clarissa could no longer hold back her grief for the multitudes of losses she had endured. She fell into a deep depression and felt that her life no longer had purpose or reason. Her childhood fears had become a lifetime reality and she could not see her way out of the darkness.

When she did not come to church, her pastor was worried. He came to her home and found her alone in the dark, sobbing uncontrollably. Clarissa could not keep up her façade anymore and poured her heart out to him. They spoke late into the night. He reminded her of how she had sustained hope as a child with no support, and that she could call upon that strength again. He suggested she get some help. I had the privilege of being the person she came to see.

This was how Clarissa re-created herself:

Accurately assessing what she had endured:

Clarissa did a thorough evaluation of where her broken dreams began and how she held on to those negative beliefs as her disappointments mounted. She saw how her both grandparents and parents had given up their own dreams, escaped into limited lives, and had no resources to either help her or them. She also realized that she had not allowed herself to grieve Todd’s death because it was unbearable. Unable to see herself realistically any more, she consistently minimized her accomplishments and focused on her sadness.

Be willing to face how others had hurt her, and where she may have contributed:

Clarissa had taken responsibility for all of the failures in her life, whether they were her fault or someone else’s. She had continuously tried to make excuses when others couldn’t be there for her, and had never realized that the people she chose after Todd’s death were as unreliable and irresponsible and those she had grown up with. Her belief that she must always be strong had attracted men who felt entitled to be catered to, but had no need to reciprocate.

What She Learned:

Clarissa had to realize that she must no longer only accommodate the expectations of others. She had never known that she could write her own rules for happiness, and that anyone who loved her would want to know what they were. She began assessing her strengths, what she had to offer, and the kind of man who would deserve her gifts.

The Personal Changes She Needed to Make:

Clarissa began to look at her bitterness as a natural response to her many losses, but not a response she had to maintain. Speaking from her heart and her new confidence, she presented herself as someone who had a right to the love she sought. She also saw that the few intimate relationships she’d had since Todd’s death had been with men who had exploited her, leaving her more cynical. She was now learning how to recognize the traits she was looking for, and to discern when they were not there. She had to master a whole new set of expectations of herself and others.

Knowing what was possible for her:

Clarissa looked deeply at what she really wanted and what she had to offer in return. She wrote a sincere and authentic profile for Match.com. She now knew what to ask for, and that she could not expect a new relationship to heal or justify her past. The heartaches she had legitimately endured no longer could predict her future.

Though she never had children, Clarissa did find a deep and meaningful relationship with a man who had also suffered multiple losses. He too had struggled with limited options based upon his lack of awareness. They dedicated their lives to helping disadvantaged children to avoid the multiple disappointments that bitterness thrives upon.

Instead of “If there has been only sorrow, there will only be more sorrow,“ Clarissa wrote her new expectations of her future:

“Bitterness’s ally is continuing disappointment. I now know that disappointments come from improbable expectations. I cannot avoid them all, but I’m so much more aware of how to predict them now. I’m pretty good at understand what is possible and what is not. I may be sad that I can’t always have what I want, but I don’t expect what I can’t have, and I love what I can make happen now. I didn’t know that there was so much more I could do to make my dreams come true, or how I would have to see the world differently. I can feel truly sad for the person in me who suffered so much, but she has an advocate now. That person is me.”

Not all people have the heart, commitment, discipline, and spirit, to turn their lives around as Clarissa did. But everyone can change what they have believed as their only truth into something they have not yet experienced. If they learn the tools to honestly self-evaluate, face their own accountability, learn from past mistakes, and change the way they search for and enter new relationships, their options to end their bitterness will increase. There is an antidote for the bitterness that poisons love. It is the recommitment to believing that understanding and the determination to change can triumph over loss.

Who Are The "Keepers?" - The Behaviors of Long-Term Successful Relationship Partners

2011-08-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

Many long-term relationship seekers have failed to find their ideal partners despite sincere and intense efforts. They have read dozens of self-help books and Internet articles, watched dating videos, and sought competent therapists to help them. They have learned every phase of finding the right partner, correcting their own dysfunctional behavior, and keeping competitive in the dating market. Yet, they have not been successful in maintaining lasting relationships.

As a relationship therapist for forty years, I believe that the most important evidence has been overlooked. Most all relationship advice has focused on the “popular” qualities and behaviors people think will ensure success, and have largely ignored those that consistently create great relationships.

Operating under the radar, people with these “under the radar” qualities don’t appear in tabloids or reality TV shows. They don’t live on pedestals, fall from grace when they choose new relationships, or leave behind angry ex-partners. You won’t usually find them leading with sexual attractiveness, status, connections, social performance, financial success, or dramatic experiences.

They do understand that those society-driven highly advertised characteristics are important, but they also know they are not likely to be enough to survive the test of time and can often lose their value in the face of unexpected crises.

I’ve watched these people carefully over many years. They consistently create great relationships filled with joyful and meaningful experiences. I’ve heard them called Keepers, those people you’d will always treasure. I support that title and definition. These successful relationship people exhibit a set of beliefs, actions, and ideals that keep relationships thriving through the good times and the bad.

For the past four decades, I have asked my successful long-term relationship partners what behaviors and qualities they most treasure in each other. From those wonderful comments, I have compiled a list of the most common fifteen consistent identifiers. They are not hard to recognize when you know what to look for, but people in new relationships often overlook them. Keepers are people who have the gift of making others feel treasured. Their interpersonal interactions seem smooth, easy, and appropriate in most every situation.

You may already possess some of these traits, or you may want to add others or substitute some of them out. What is important is what matters to you and what your personal experiences have been. As you read through these, think of people you have consistently treasured and felt valued by. Also note if these behaviors characterize them.

At the end of the category descriptions, you and your partner can take the short quiz to see where you stand on each of these traits. It is only for information, and not meant as a way of finding fault. You may also think of other traits that have been important markers in the successful relationships you’ve had or observed and could add them to the list.

Trait One – Keepers are self-accountable

Keepers understand how love works are not afraid to question themselves. They clearly put knowledge ahead of ego-preservation, and seek ways to help their relationships stay successful. They ask themselves what they could do to change them for the better. They are not out to win at their partner’s expense.

Alongside of their willingness to admit wrongs and to choose compromise whenever possible, they are also confident in their own contributions. They don’t automatically give up their point of view when challenged. You know them by their combination of ego strength and flexibility. They not only hold their integrity under fire, but also expect that kind of behavior from people they respect.

Example:

He: “I keep telling you how much I hate it when you’re late. No matter what I say, you don’t seem to give a damn. What will it take for you to listen and do something about it? I’m fed up.”

Keeper: (Pulls back and wants to defend, but thinks about what he’s said, and where he’s right.) “You have every right to be upset. I don’t handle time very well. I really mean to, but I let other things distract me. I know I’ve been getting better but you do have a history of being disappointed with me. I’m really going to make this a high priority. Work with me, okay?” (Reaches out for his hand.)

He: (Taking her hand.) “I guess I don’t trust that you’re really making an effort, but I know you are. I’m sorry for the rant. I guess I want to be more important to you.”

Keeper: “I do this to a lot of people, and I’m sure you’re not alone. I will do everything I can to make this better, babe. I’m glad you cared enough to challenge me.”

Trait Two – Keepers can hold on to their own personal rhythms under stress

Keepers can blend into the rhythm of their partners when they want to because they honor and respect their differences in timing and urgency level. They do not allow themselves to be pulled into emotional cascades when it doesn’t work for them or the relationship.

Whether making love, spring cleaning, or planting a garden, people thrive in individual ways. Those who respect and know their own rhythms want what’s best for themselves and their partners. They are reasonably flexible and can slow down or speed up if their partner needs them to, but ultimately know that they are the final say on how they respond.

Example:

She: (coming in the door from work) “Hi, honey. Where’s the mail? Did your sister reply to our dinner invitation? Did you remember to pick up my prescription? I’ve got to finish this damn presentation tonight. When am I going to do this? I’m so stressed out.”

Keeper: (smiling and even) “Slow down, sweetheart. You’re spinning.”

She: “Wow, I really am, aren’t I? I think I swallowed a whole lot of crap today and I’m taking it out on you. I get so rattled when I have too much on my plate. Thank God you don’t get pulled in. You’re my rock.”

Keeper: (smiling) “I’m sure I get rattled on occasion, too. I just hate to see you so upset, especially by people who shouldn’t matter that much. We can go over your laundry list and figure this out together.”

She: “I’m so grateful you don’t get pulled in to my stuff. It’s such a relief.”

Trait Three – Keepers don’t patronize. They find a way to stay interested or they graciously bow out

Keepers know that boredom can undermine the best of relationships. Because they can hold on to their own sense of excitement, their first response to an uninteresting situation is to try to make it more meaningful by using their own resources. They know that staying bored will probably make them boring as well, and they don’t want others to have to endure that. Their goal is to find meaning or joy in whatever they are doing.

They’re the first to admit that they don’t respond as well to people who aren’t willing to change their situation. They eagerly look for any way to make connections more positive and don’t give up easily. If, eventually, there is nothing more they can do, they won’t patronize another person by pretending that they are interested when they no longer are.

Example:

Keeper: “I’ve been asking you a lot of questions and you seem quiet. I hope I’m not being inappropriate.”

She: “That’s sweet of you to ask. I’m not much of a talker.”

Keeper: “I’m interested in knowing you better. Tell me something about yourself you’d like me to know.”

She: (shrugs) “Well, I’m a pretty ordinary person. Not much that’s that interesting.” (Silence.)

Keeper: (Know he’s going to have to put out more effort, but still willing to try.) “Well, what do you like most about your work? You’re a dental hygienist, right? It must be nice to make people feel better about themselves. What kind of people do you usually see?”

She: “I guess it’s an okay job. The people are usually nice.”

Keeper: “Have you ever thought about doing any other kind of work in your life? Maybe something that would be more meaningful?”

She: “I’ve never really thought about it.”

Keeper: (realizing this isn’t working very well, but wants to get through dinner without making her feel badly) “Well, what would you like to order? I really like the halibut here. Do you like halibut?”

She: (peering at the menu and seemingly unaffected) “I need some time to decide.”

Keeper: “Take our time. I’d like you to get something you really enjoy.”

Trait Four – Keepers see humor as a sacred part of relationships

Laughter is one of the best antidotes for anxiety, sorrow, loneliness, or frustration. People who find the humor in life are more resilient to disappointments. They don’t laugh inappropriately or use humor to mock, but they do maintain perspective that keeps them aware.

Keepers don’t use laughter to cover when they’re feeling uncomfortable. They have learned the value of timing and a compassionate heart, and can process sorrow and joy with the same gentle appreciation for life. They readily enjoy others who can make them laugh, and help them hold on to their sense of perspective when times are hard. They have a keen sense of perspective, and don’t use humor to lighten up situations that need to stay serious.

Example:

He: “Man, people are sometimes so stupid. Every time I tried to tell my boss what we needed to do to save the deal, I get undermined. He’s just like my old boss. I know he’ll pretend he didn’t hear me and then steal the idea. What the hell am I supposed to do, just shut up and get used again? If this job didn’t pay so well, I’d be out of there. Doesn’t anyone have integrity anymore?”

Keeper: (touching his face tenderly) “I understand, but I hate to see you this heavy and down. I know you work hard, but you’re letting this guy steal your soul. Remember when we used to make fun of hard situations? We could put anything in perspective, just because we knew how to laugh about things together.”

He (reflecting): “How did I get this angry, honey? I don’t want to go around feeling this way. Maybe too many disappointments in people. I don’t know what to do.”

Keeper: (Caressing him) “Well, you could get me pregnant.”

He: (laughing) “Now, that suggestion definitely changes the equation.”

Trait Five – Keepers know how to stay even

Keepers have an internal resiliency and don’t get out of control. You can always count on them to stay centered, especially when they are challenged. They can take in criticism with the same gracious evenness as compliments. They seem to have internal advocates who catch them when they fall and support them when their confidence is low, and want to do that for others whenever they can.

They use challenges as opportunities to know themselves better, and to learn more about their partner’s fears and insecurities. They feel grateful that they can find their footing more easily than others, but they don’t give up continuously learning how to do it better.

They don’t overly react when their partners are unstable. They can be caring but won’t take more challenge than they feel they deserve.

Example:

She: (angry and blaming; on output) “It’s been three weeks since you’ve even looked at me. You take care of everyone else in the world but I’m your lowest priority. I wait and wait so I won’t bug you and seem needy, but I’m getting really tired of feeling so damned unimportant. Can’t you see how much I’m hurting?”

Keeper: “Hey, what’s going on? Where is this all coming from? We were great this morning and I haven’t seen you all day.”

She: (heating up) “You’re on that God damn phone all day. You’re sweet to every waitress that serves us, even if they aren’t doing a good job. You won’t tell your mother to leave us alone on the weekends. You don’t remember the things I tell you that are important to me.”

Keeper: “It feels like you’re really on output. I’m willing to listen and to take blame where it’s due, but there seems to be a lot more going on here than you’re talking about. Slow down and try to tell me where this all started.”

She (quieting down and starting to cry): “I don’t know. I just missed you today after we made love. I guess I needed more of us and you disappeared, like always.”

Keeper: (takes her hand but stays centered) “I’m really sorry you’re feeling so bad, honey. I did leave a little soon. I didn’t want you to feel sad. I really thought we were okay. I wish you’d told me you needed more. I can’t take responsibility for the things I don’t know but I’ll sure try to change the things that I can. Talk to me about what can I do for you now that might help?”

She: (Feeling hopeful) “Just listening to me really makes a difference, especially when you are so honest. It would really help if we could plan some longer time together soon.”

Keeper: “Let’s do it.”

Trait Six – Keepers do not allow guilt to influence their decisions

When people feel embarrassed, shameful, or guilty, they feel like they haven’t measured up. Small children learn from their caretakers when they are being good or bad. Even though those criteria may be arbitrary, they are absorbed and form the basis for guilt in adulthood.

Only through greater understanding do adults realize that guilt was used to control their choices when they were young, and begin to set their own standards for personal integrity. Keepers do not control others by using guilt tactics, nor do they succumb to obligatory obedience if others use guilt to control them. Their views of themself mostly depend on their own integrity, not upon what others expect of them. They care about making others happy, but do not act from fear of loss when they cannot.

Example:

He: “You can’t seem to get this straight. I told you for the fiftieth time that you can’t open your mouth in front of my friends if you don’t have anything worthwhile to say. Your dad says the same thing about you when you were a kid. You always were out of line and continuously said things that made people uncomfortable. You should be able to keep that under control by now. What do I have to do, send you to your room?”

Keeper: (checking inward first to make sure she was okay) “You’re talking to me now as if I was that child and trying to use guilt to get me to do what you want. I’m okay with who I am. No one at that table seemed uncomfortable but you, so maybe it’s your own stuff. Bringing in my dad’s childhood stories is hitting below the belt. I don’t appreciate it.”

He: “Okay, okay. Maybe I’m being a little hard on you. I’m really being critical and I shouldn’t be. Maybe it is about me. You’re so damn comfortable telling complete strangers everything about your life, and I’m really uneasy if it includes me. I probably wouldn’t be comfortable even when it doesn’t have anything to do with me. We never talked about this kind of stuff when I was a kid.”

Keeper: “I don’t want you to feel guilty for being mad. You have every right to want what you want just as I do. Let’s really talk this over and plan ahead better. I like being open and I don’t really care what other people think. I’m sensitive to how people are responding, honey. I don’t want to embarrass you.”

Trait Seven – Keepers store the “good times”

Life can be hard at times for everyone, and tragedies can erode a person’s capacity to endure grief without resentment or bitterness. Keepers like knowing they can fall back on great memories in order survive and thrive when times are hard. They realize that remembering those experiences in the midst of trauma can be hard and that practice makes it easier.

When life is less stressful, Keepers look for and store the good times so they can draw upon them later. They make a point to treasure the simplest things and to turn every possible situation into one of joy, mischief, or adventure. They are not irreverent about sorrow or tragedy, but balance difficult moments with joyous recollections.

Example:

She: “This has been a horrible month. Nothing has turned out right and I can’t see anything in the future that can make up for it. I’m so incredibly depressed. We desperately need a break, some kind of silver lining in this mess.”

Keeper: “I agree completely, but we have to remember that it hasn’t always been this way. We have lots of reasons to believe that they’ll get better and we’ve got to keep those in mind when things are tough.”

She: (torn but touched) “I know you’re right. But it’s really hard for me to remember and to have faith that we’ll be okay.”

Keeper: “I know, sweetheart. But I know how down you can get if you keep thinking the way you are.”

She: “Aren’t you worried? What do you do with your fears?”

Keeper: “I’m not always okay, either. You know how tough things were for my family when my dad died. There were a lot of times when my mom and sisters would just cry. I didn’t know what to do for them. I was the smallest so I just would pretend that things were great and that we had nothing to worry about. I’d perform skits that would make them laugh. They would seem better so I just got it into my head that pretending things would get better worked. And they did, eventually.”

She: (smiling in appreciation) “I don’t know whether it’s just a nice idea or the twinkle in your eyes, but it helps to remember. We’ve had so much to be grateful for. Thanks honey.”

Trait Eight – Keepers are authentic

Keepers trust those who are honest and above-board. They feel responsible for what they say or do. They just don’t pretend to be someone they are not, or automatically agree with something they that they don’t. They want to be transparent because they don’t play games or want to participate in any. They’d rather hear the truth from others, too, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Keepers choose partners who value them for their honesty. They don’t take that right lightly, nor do they use their authenticity to unnecessarily point out other’s faults. They do love and care for how their partners feel about them. They don’t go out of their way to cover their faults, and deeply appreciate when others are honest with them.

Example:

He: (Teasing, but serious underneath) “Okay, I’ve been working out for two months and watching everything I put in my mouth. You have two choices. The first is to tell me I look better than when you married me ten years ago and reap the rewards of total devotion. The second is to say that you don’t see any difference, and risk that I will go into a deep pout for the next several days and forget your birthday.”

Keeper: “I don’t like the odds. Way too risky. First of all, I love you with your belly relatively round. Yes, it is not particularly sexy to look like Buddha, but you’re my Budha. Second, you’ve only lost five pounds and it is noticeable but probably not neon-lighted yet. That doesn’t mean I’m not proud of you for your commitment and effort. It’s great. Are there new muscles? Yeah, I can definitely see them as they work their way to the surface. Now you have two choices: the first is to be hurt by what I’ve said. The second is to tell me how much you value my total honesty so that when you start to look really good, you’ll know it’s true.”

He: (smiling) “You are merciless, but that’s why I trust you. I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’ve always been in my corner, honey. I’m not quitting”

Trait Nine - Keepers understand and accept their value in the marketplace

Keepers have a realistic sense of their own value. They don’t try to impress people who aren’t interested in them, and they don’t want others to go out of their way to win their favor. They have strong values about what characteristics they believe are important, and are not tempted away from them to be someone they couldn’t respect.

If they don’t come out ahead in any contest, they don’t complain or feel rejected because they know it’s a waste of time. They’ll tell you that they are more interested in finding out what they could have done better. If they want to belong to a specific group or relationship, they figure out how they offer what is required, and then do their best to make it happen. If they don’t make the cut, they analyze what didn’t work instead of blaming anyone, then either try again, or find another relationship that does work.

Example:

She: “I’m so down. I do everything I can to make those people like me and they just keep rejecting me. I’m obsessing over not being good enough. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t seem to be able to let go.”

Keeper: “I’m really impressed by your perseverance. I could not handle that much rejection and come back. What are the criteria for getting into that group?”

She: (thoughtful). “You know, I’m not really sure I’ve thought about it. I know they like people who have great careers, and I do. They also seem to favor people who make a lot of money, which I don’t. I think a bunch of them have been together since college, but not all of them, so that doesn’t apply. They do play a lot of tennis, which I’m not great at.”

Keeper: “Sounds like having a lot of money is important to them. Do they travel a lot?”

She: “You now, I think you’re right. I love taking care of the kids I do, but I’m not free to just get up and go whenever they can.”

Keeper: “Do you wish you could?”

She: “Not if I had to give up what I love to do. You’re really helping me, Gus. I never equated my real values with how they live their lives. I think I’m trying to get into the wrong group.”

Keeper: “They have an absolute right to set the criteria for how they live their lives. It’s a hard lesson, I know. I learned it a long time ago when I couldn’t play varsity ball in high school. I just wasn’t good enough. Now I coach basketball and I’m really good at it.”

Trait Ten – Keepers look for the value in others

Keepers look for the true positive traits in others, and remember to let them know it. They keep their important relationships up to date because they know that nothing in life is guaranteed. They don’t dwell on the possibility of loss, but intentionally focus on what they treasure in the present.

Keepers remember the important things you tell them, and, if necessary, act on them when they get the chance. When they are with people, they focus on the situation at hand and pay close attention to what is happening. Most people who know them feel special in the presence of a Keeper, as though they were the only person who existed.

Example:

He: “Have you got a few minutes?”

Keeper: “Sure. What’s up?”

He: “I just got off the phone with my girlfriend, and she says she needs a break. I acted okay at the time and told her to do whatever she needed, but I think I need a drink or something. I know you’re working on an important deal for work tomorrow, but I wondered if we could hang out for a while.”

Keeper: “Hey, I’ve been there. You’re not the kind of guy who easily asks for help. My work can get done later. I’ll meet you at your apartment in half an hour.”

He: “You’re sure it’s not going to mess you up?”

Keeper: “No problem. You’re more important to me. I’m good.”

Trait Eleven – Keepers avoid useless energy drains

Anxiety, unresolvable conflicts, outrage, powerlessness, negative conspiracies, and attachments to unattainable outcomes: all are examples of behaviors that drain people without changing anything. They make people less functional and less focused on making a difference. Keepers avoid such useless outpourings of resources. They would rather use that energy to solve problems and create new possibilities.

Keepers inspire others to focus on the possible. They don’t put you down if you are drowning in dysfunctional hopelessness. Instead, they will help you let go of energy drains and help you to focus on what you like about yourself. They like working on a team to find the best solutions.

Example:

She: “I’ve got myself in a mess. I have to be three places at once and all of them are important. I can’t bear letting people down and I’m overcommitted again. I know I’m going to disappoint someone big time, and I’m sure I’m going to get blamed. Damn, why do I always try to do so much?”

Keeper: “I’m really sorry, sweetheart. I’ve seen you do this before. You want to make too many people happy, but, since you’ve already committed, why not let go of it. Worrying won’t make it better. You’re praying to the God of Mercy and you really haven’t done anything wrong except try too hard to do everything for everybody.”

She: “I know you’re right. I just need to get things in better priority. I always forget that I can only do what’s in front of me. You try to tell me to not try to second guess people or borrow trouble, and I really want to be more like that.”

Keeper: “Do you want some help? We can sort this thing out together and I can take over some of the other stuff.”

She: (smiling) “I need to carry you around in my head before I get myself in trouble.”

Trait Twelve – Keepers Know how to Self-Soothe

Like anyone else, Keepers get hurt, frustrated, and upset, but, when times get tough, their first response is to relax and self-soothe. They know that if they’re agitated, they’ll just make more errors. To keep from doing that, they’ve learned how to take some deep breaths, go inward, and remember what is important. If they get overstressed and respond negatively, they are quick to regain their personal balance and correct the situation.

Most Keepers will tell you that they weren’t always that way, but have practiced catching self-destructive patterns before they are harder to solve. They much prefer friendlier and more successful alternatives to arguing, defensiveness, or unproductive competition.

Example:

He: ”You’re so quiet, honey. What’s going on?”

Keeper: “I’ve had a really tough day. The kids have been energy vampires. The delivery people didn’t show. The people on the committee didn’t do what they promised. I could go on, but it wouldn’t help.”

He: “Do you need to get stuff off your chest?”

Keeper: “Thanks, but not right now. You know me. I just need to be quiet for a while and sort things out. I don’t like it when I get this aggravated because I distort input and react to all the wrong things. Remember when I was so angry all the time after people disappointed me? It wasn’t good for me, or for us. Just give me a little while and I’ll be able to handle all this better.”

He: “I appreciate you. Can I take the kids out for a while so you can do it without the chaos?”

Keeper: “That would be a great help. I need to do some re-planning so these damned situations don’t get me going like this. You’re so great to care this much.”

Trait Thirteen – Keepers seek continuous transformation

Keepers are committed to learning from the past and projecting the future more effectively. To do that, they willingly seek constant new ways of seeing their lives unfold. Their own search for more effective ways of living is wonderfully contagious. They are most alive when seeking treasures, solving puzzles, or attaining important goal. They learn from their mistakes and believe in their dreams.

Most people will choose security and predictability over challenge or change. Keepers successfully blend the two. They cherish traditions but search always for better ways to help themselves and others. This way of being makes them ever interesting and exciting to be around. They don’t wait for someone to inspire them; they generate excitement by who they are.

Example:

She: “Hi. Dinner’s almost ready. What are you carrying?”

Keeper: “A powered kaleidoscope. Turns by itself and projects its picture on the wall. I’m tired of this gloomy weather, and figure it’ll give us great, ever-changing images without having to go outside. I can’t wait to try it.”

She: “You are such a wonderful nut case. I never know what you’re up to. Mostly, I love it, but those vegetarian chicken legs were a little, well…unusual.”

Keeper: “Now, hold on. I still go to church every Sunday and play Scrabble. I’m not totally weird.”

She: “I wouldn’t want you any other way. You do keep me surprised, though, and I sometimes have a hard time explaining you to my friends. I’ll never be able to predict you but life is so much more interesting when you’re around.”

Trait Fourteen – Keepers take good care of themselves

Keepers do everything they can to stay mentally, physically and spiritually healthy. They not only feel better, but can better face whatever comes their way. They hang out with people who regenerate them, keep their minds active, and are deeply in love with the spiritual values that sustain them through traumas. These are the partners you never have to remind to care for themselves. They don’t put that pressure on the people they love.

These Keepers don’t press their views on others, but stand as models for the people they treasure. You can easily recognize them by the quickness to their step, their ready smiles, the twinkle in their eyes, and their sense of personal serenity. They are in touch, in every way.

Example:

He: “You know, honey, I’ve always teased you about your commitments to working out and yoga gurus. Now that I look around, you’re the most beautiful woman at every party we go to. You’ve had three kids and you look younger today than when I married you. I think I’ve just been jealous of your discipline and the way you just take care of things.”

Keeper: “I know that I take time out from you and the kids sometimes, but I want to be my best for you guys and I know that I’m better when I make sure I’m okay. When your parents are alcoholics, there’s not much discipline or good food around. I just never wanted to be like them. It’s not easy, though. I have to re-commit every day, even when I feel discouraged.”

He: “I may complain sometimes, but I appreciate you. I think I’m jealous sometimes, too. I know I should care about myself better, even if it’s just for you and the kids. I wish you’d push me harder.”

Keeper: “I don’t want to push you to do something you don’t want to do. I know how hard you work and how difficult it is to do what you do. I would love it if you took better care of yourself, but I also know that’s your decision. I could tease you because I can run farther than you can. Would that help?”

He: “Now you’re getting serious. Do I have to meditate, too?”

Keeper: (smiling) “Only if you want to keep up. I can always push you around in your wheel chair come day.”

He: “Okay, that’s it. You’re disgustingly perfect, and effectively manipulative. I’m on board.”

Trait Fifteen – Keepers treasure the present moment

Keepers plan for the future and learn from the past, but they are most invigorated by whatever is happening in the present moment. By living more fully in the only real time that exists for them, they are able to leave heartbreaks in the past, and use the future for possibilities.

When you’re with a person who treasures the immediate moment, you will feel deeply attended to. If you are in distress, those people notice immediately, stop whatever their doing, and ask you if you’re okay, no matter what was going on before. If you smile, they will want to know what is making you feel that way. If you can’t find the words to express what you’re feeling, they reach out to meet you wherever you are. When these Keepers are with you, they are only with you.

Example:

She: “I just can’t seem to let go of my past mistakes. I feel so responsible for the damage I’ve caused. I try to forget them, but my mind just won’t let go. I keep thinking that something terrible is going to happen and I’m at fault. The saner part of me keeps fighting back and saying it wasn’t that bad, but it doesn’t seem to hold.”

Keeper: “You are really being hard on yourself right now. I can feel your tears coming.”

She: (Begins to cry) “I know you’re right, but I just can’t seem to stop. Maybe it was all that criticism I took in as a kid. I could never do anything right.”

Keeper: (Takes her hand) “You’re so sad. What is at the core of your sorrow?”

She: “I’m afraid that if I keep messing up, I’ll never deserve to be really loved.”

Keeper: “Honey, look at me. I love you, now, in the present. It doesn’t matter what you ever did in the past. I know what a wonderful person you are. Do you believe me?”

She: (Looks into his eyes, wanting to believe him) “Yes.”

Keeper: “Always remember. We only have this moment and, for us, that is what matters.”

Are You a Keeper? Rate your relationship desirability

Good long-term relationship partners have many of these traits. You can probably think of others that have special significance for you or your partner. The following short quiz will help you evaluate where you stand now on these fifteen.

The quiz is comprised of one summary question for each of the fifteen traits. Answer each question with a number corresponding to the following guide:

Most of the time = 5

Some of the time = 4

Occasionally = 3

Not often = 2

Never = 1

Trait One - Accountability

Do you take responsibility for the decisions you make and the behaviors they cause?____

Trait Two - Rhythm

Are you comfortable with your personal rhythm and how you blend with those of others?___

Trait Three - Interest

Do you actively help to make each situation interesting?___

Trait Four - Humor

Do you help people to see the sunny side of life when it’s appropriate?___

Trait Five - Evenness

Can you stay centered under stress?___

Trait Six -Guilt

Have you let go of worrying about mistakes?___

Trait Seven -Storing Good Times

Do you remember to keep a cache of meaningful experiences?___

Trait Eight - Authenticity

Can you be trusted by others to be honest about what you believe?___

Trait Nine - Marketability

Are you realistic about your value to others?___

Trait Ten - Valuing Others

Do you treasure the people you’re with?___

Trait Eleven - Staying Focused on what is important

Do you avoid getting caught up in useless energy drains?___

Trait Twelve - Self-soothing

Can you calm yourself when stressed?___

Trait Thirteen - Transformation

Are you committed and open to seeing things in new ways?___

Trait Fourteen - Self-Care

Are you taking good care of yourself?___

Trait Fifteen - Being Present

Are you treasuring your present moments?___

Add up your scores. The total will end up somewhere between 15 and 75. The higher your score, the more you are a Keeper.

You may find that you score three or higher in some categories and less in others. Look first at those questions where you scored a 1 or 2. Those are the most important areas to work on. No one is perfect, so don’t criticize yourself or your partner. Change takes commitment, but it also takes time and practice. Your higher scores may already be serving you well in your current relationships.

Hopefully, after learning about the qualities and behaviors that predict better long-term relationship success, you will look for them sooner in new relationships. Keepers are sometimes just born that way but, more often, they hone themselves by life experiences and their determination to have more successful relationships. What may be a Keeper to one person may not be what he or she may be to another. Trust your own heart, but do not be afraid to challenge your own choices if they haven't worked for you in the past.

If anyone you love calls you a Keeper, consider yourself one of the chosen people. It is the most significant compliment any partner can give another.

Hostile Venting - Mean Phrases That Scar Intimate Relationships

2011-07-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

New lovers carefully watch their word choices even when they argue. They don’t want to say anything that could deeply wound or distance their partners, and watch each other closely for signs of distress. They treasure their closeness and cannot bear being at odds for long.

Unfortunately, as relationships mature, partners too often forget how angry or hurtful words can damage their intimacy. The longer partners have been together, the more likely their negative phrases will resemble what they heard others utter when they were growing up. When their tempers flare and their frustrations build, they more often use destructive phrases from memories of long-forgotten events.

Most couples exhaust every attempt to get what they need from each other before they resort to hostile exchanges. They began as devoted friends and lovers, going out of their ways to be considerate, but lose that capacity to put each other first. From living in each other’s hearts, they become verbal enemies, struggling to survive emotionally at the expense of the other.

As their exchanges become more heated, they begin to lose touch with the effect of their words. They rationalize their righteous venting with little remorse or need to apologize. Over time, they may escalate more quickly to hostile levels of attack. Winning becomes more important than maintaining trust or intimate connection, with each verbal blow leaving an invisible permanent scar.

How Scars Last

All intimate partners have two crucial relationship dimensions:

How much they scar their relationship.

How much the partners are able to grow beyond their current limitations.

Those partners who fight frequently but continue to learn from their mistakes can heal by leaving painful emotional scars behind them. Though their battles hurt at the time, they become more determined to treat each other better each time.

Those partners who frequently fight in hostile and uncaring ways but do not learn and evolve will eventually destroy their love, whether they stay together or end their relationship. The scars they create become more destructive as their love for each other diminishes.

Physical scar tissue loses its elasticity and its flexibility. Emotional scar tissue is painfully similar. Both lessen opportunities for new options. Those partners who continue to create scars without growing beyond them will eventually be unable to maintain their commitment to the relationship.

As partners slide from love to indifference, their caring comments also lessen. The percentage of phrases used to heal the relationship give way to those that are likely to destroy it. Even if they end the relationship in time to avoid further damage, their negative patterns may remain, and affect subsequent relationships. New partners may not have the resiliency or desire to respond with understanding, and will be unlikely to tolerate the level of learned hostility. The person who has developed the bad habit of falling quickly into hostile venting may become more cynical with each new failed relationship.

Hostile remarks fall into the following six categories:

Character assassinations
Threats of abandonment
Threats of exile
Invalidations
Challenges
Preaching

Partners typically use phrases from more than one category in an argument, and can deliver them with sarcasm, rage, or tears. When hostile statements increase in depth and frequency, one or both partners will escalate their defenses and retaliations. After they have exhausted their angry fury, they often retreat into non-communicative disconnects.

Every one reacts differently when hurt or angry. After a hostile interaction, one partner may want to reconnect before the other is ready. That disparity can start another round of retaliatory arguments. Each round is more likely to create yet more scars and make healing less likely.

The Six Categories

Though exaggerated swear words often accompany hostile venting, I have not included only three examples in the following descriptions, using asterisks to fill in letters. If you routinely use profanity for extra shock value, you may find the succeeding examples milder than you are used to using or hearing when you and your partner are fighting.

There are only a few of those shock-intended words in every language and both partners have to agree that they are insulting or they would not have the capability to cause the insults they do. If you pay careful attention to where you may add them in your actual hostile interactions, you can explore what effect you are trying to have on your partner.

Character Assassinations

Character assassinations are wipe-out statements that partners use to define the other as someone who has always been, will always be, that bad. The phrases are intended to make the described partner as permanently and irrevocably doomed to be that way. Their intent is to hurt, deprecate, and demoralize.

For example, if you are complaining about your partner’s behavior as temporarily distressful, you would use words like, “You’re being really bitchy right now,” or “You drive me crazy when you act like this.” Those are descriptions of temporary behaviors that are only occurring in the moment. They tell your partner that you’re angry at what he or she is doing, not who they are.

Character assassinations tell people that they are innately bad, incompetent, or valueless. When the accused partner takes them personally, they will cause damage that last longer and may leave emotional, indelible scars.

Here are some examples of wipe-out statements that attack a partner’s basic character rather than his or her temporary behavior:

“You’re just too much work.”

“Why do I even try? You’ll never get it.”

“You’re a b****h.”

“You’re an a*****e.”

“You only care about yourself.”

“Let’s face it; you’re not the sharpest tack on the board.”

“You’re completely irrational.”

“I can’t believe anything out of your mouth. You’re a liar.”

“You are a major screw-up.”

Threats of Abandonment

There are two sets of hostile statements that arouse the most primitive fears in people of any age. The first is to make a threatening statement that implies permanent indifference or abandonment. You would use that kind of statement to make your partner feel worthless and no longer needed. You may only feel that way in the heat of the fight, but your partner may take that threat more seriously. If he or she does respond that way, you may not be able to take it back later.

If you recall one of your parents saying this to the other, you will probably also remember your other parent’s response. Typically, it would have been to either plead for regained value, or a counter-attack with feigned indifference. Being a helpless child, you may have felt terrified that your life, as you knew it, would end.

Here are some examples of threats of abandonment:

“I don’t care what you do anymore.”

“You’re too much trouble; I’m out of here.”

“You disgust me. I don’t even know why I stick around.”

“I’m sick of this relationship. I need to find someone who knows how to love me.”

“I don’t need you anymore.”

“You don’t get it. I’m done.”

Invalidations

Though similar in some ways to character assassinations, invalidations do not attack your partner’s core self. They are, instead, meant to invalidate your partner’s arguments and make them less convincing. By focusing on your partner’s contradictions or weaknesses, you’re attempting to neutralize his or her advantage, or to feel superior in the argument. If you succeed, your partner will become defensive and less able to fight back. On the other hand, if your partner has a strong sense of self, you may be in for a counter-attack that invalidates your position.

Here are some examples of invalidations:

“Bull s**t.”

“You just don’t get it.”

“That’s the stupidest argument I’ve ever heard.”

“Can’t you ever get anything right?”

“Maybe if you ever made sense, I’d understand what you mean.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t bother trying to convince me; it won’t work.”

“You’re not even worth listening to.”

Threats of Exile

Exile is more threatening to most people than abandonment. It is one thing to say to your partner, “I’m not interested in you anymore.” Threatening exile is more potent and terrifying. You are telling your partner to get out of your life. Even if you just mean it in the moment and would never want that person gone in a permanent way, you are taking the chance that you will be taken seriously. If you threaten exile enough times, your partner will actually begin to believe you and no longer expect the relationship to continue. Unless you’re sure you want out, you’ll be smart to use different phrases if you feel this uninterested in staying connected.

Here are some examples of exile:

“Just get out.”

“I don’t need you anymore, and don’t slam the door behind you.”

“I want you out of my life.”

“You’re a pain. Get lost.”

“You’ve worn out your welcome here.”

“Find somewhere else to go.”

“You don’t have anything left to offer me. I don’t want you anymore.”

“Why don’t you go back to your old girl-friend? You deserve each other.”

Challenges

Hostile challenges are questions or statements that are delivered with sarcasm or defiance, and are never true questions of inquiry. They don’t go after the partner’s innate personality characteristics or the validity of their statements, but rather their right to even make them. If you are challenging your partner’s basic rights to feel, think, or behave in certain ways, you will ask mean questions to “show” your partner how stupid or incompetent he or she is. Each time your partner tries to make a point, you will interrupt and push hard for your win by undermining whatever his or her reasons are for that opinion.

Here are some examples of mean challenges:

“Do you even know what you’re talking about?”

“That is totally wrong. How can you possibly justify something so stupid?”

“You actually believe what you’re saying?”

“How can you justify what you’re saying? It’s baseless.”

“An idiot could come up with a better idea.”

“Do you ever think about why you say the things you do? They’re meaningless.”

“I can’t believe you’d think I’d fall for that.”

“Where’d you come up with that dumb logic?”

“You’re so biased; why would I ever listen to you?”

Preaching

When people feel hostile, they often pull the parental card. Pointing or wagging their finger, they quote authorities, absent friends, or previously established prejudices, in order to push home their point. If you use unchallengeable hierarchy to make your partner feel like a chastised child, you’ll use information from an outside source to add weight to your argument. This kind of hostile venting can have the most negative impact because it activates childhood guilt or embarrassment. It is particularly hurtful if you know your partner’s history and use what vulnerable memories they’ve revealed to you to make your point.

Here are some examples of preaching:

“For a person who claims to be decent, you ought to know better than to do what you’ve done.”

“You know, if you were a decent person, you wouldn’t talk to me like this.”

“Sorry isn’t good enough when you act so infantile.”

“Why do I have to keep telling you what you should already know?”

“You don’t have any integrity, do you?”

“Do you even know what a good lover is?”

“Why don’t you do what’s right?”

“A person with any reasonable compassion would never do that to me.”

“I’ve told you a million times; you just don’t care.”

“You’re so immature.”

“You’re whining again.”

Breaking Verbally Hostile Patterns

Instructions for Healing

There are five ways that hostile behavior can be understood and eventually stopped.

Childhood Origins
Virtual Videos
Evaluation of Hostile Phrases
Stopping Emotional Cascades
Replacements

They are very simple to learn, difficult to practice, and very effective. In order for them to work, both partners must genuinely want to stop their negative patterns and understand that their relationship can otherwise be in jeopardy.

Childhood Origins

Anyone can get angry. When people are frustrated, scared, hurt, rejected, or suppressed, they like their partners to know how they feel. Suitably expressing negative feelings is part of every successful compromise, but raging, hurtful, destructive venting is not healthy for any relationship.

People learn destructive anger in childhood. Their first exposure to dysfunctional outbursts of anger happens when they are small, whether directed at them or observed. When parents are mean to each other in front of their children, they teach those children to cower, to run away, or to react with their own hostility. If they are not taught successful conflict resolution or healthy coping responses, they will make the same mistakes in their adult relationships.

When adults display those unhealthy patterns, they often don’t realize their own inner child is who is driving them to behave that way. Despite their being adults in their current interaction, inside they are all the ages they’ve ever been. If they were the targets of their parent’s hostilities, or witness frequent verbal insults between their parents, they are likely to react to similar phrases as adults.

Each partner has different memories and different experiences. Neither partner can ever fully understand the depth and details of the other’s feelings. In an argument, the person being attacked is the only one who can define whether a hostile phrase is abusive or not. Childhood hurts re-experienced can feel as they did the first time they happened. When one partner issues a hostile phrase, he or she cannot guarantee that the other partner will experience it as it was intended. Each partner may feel differently about any chosen phrase, whether uttering it or experiencing it from the other.

As arguments escalate and partners forget their caring for each other, they will regress in to those childhood responses. They will begin to fight back as if their partners were their angry parents. They may feel more empowered to fight as an adult than they could have as a child, but nevertheless, respond as if they are still as vulnerable as they were then.

Virtual Videos

Once partners help each other identify anger patterns in their families of origin, they must then see where those same patterns play out in their adult lives. To do this effectively, they must let a part of their minds observe their hostile interactions from outside as they happen.

The most powerful tool a couple can use is their own mental virtual video. This exercise requires that both partners have agreed to help each other become alert to any childhood reactions they mutually activate as soon as they begin. They both stand outside themselves running the camera, objectively observing their hostile interactions while continuing to fight. They’re looking for any signs that they may be regressing: raising voices, increasing tempo, interrupting, and changing postures or facial expressions. Their mental video will likely show them as young enemies, out to destroy each other as they grow desperate to hold their positions.

If they can imagine that they will be playing back that video for anyone they would want to impress, they might be more able to change the nature of their interactions to hold them within boundaries they both respect. This technique works best if both partners consciously attempt to move the camera to focus on different parts of the scene, zooming close in to each of them and then moving away to encapsulate the whole picture.

Within a short time of repeating this exercise, both partners will see how deeply embarrassed they would be were their hostile actions to be observed. Watching themselves recreate the negative patterns they were taught as children will help them revisit their childhood experiences and can help motivate them to break the inter-generational patterns.

Evaluation of Hostile Phrases

Whichever of the six hostile patterns you may use, you will be more likely to break your patterns if you face them courageously. Begin by writing down the mean phrases each of you uses most often. Then ask yourself where you learned them and what you mean when you say them. Do not do this during a fight, but as soon as possible afterwards. Put your phrases in each category, or add a new category if needed. If your partner will do this exercise with you, you will both move more quickly toward healing your negative interactions.

After you have helped each other identify those hostile phrases and their origins, share the feelings you had as children when you first heard them. Tell each other why you still use them, what you feel when say them, and how it affects you when you hear them. Talk to each other about what you want when you are upset, and if there would be anything else you or your partner could do instead of escalating into these destructive patterns.

Stopping Emotional Cascades

Once you have identified where you learned your hostile phrases, watched them from your virtual videos, and evaluated them together, you’re ready for the next step. Anytime you want to lessen damaging behaviors, you will find it easier to prevent them before an argument begins than to stop them once they start.

Sometimes your feelings of anger, hurt, or need to retaliate begin slowly. At other times, you may find yourself erupting instantaneously, especially after many fights have ended without resolution. How quickly you react to conflict typically follows your history of past destructive interactions, but some partners are sensitive to any conflict and move to a defensive position immediately. Exhaustion, overload, or illness can also lower frustration tolerance.

Try to note where feelings of hostility begin in your body as soon as you become aware of them. What are your symptoms? Many people feel anger in their lower bellies building as it rises to the top of their heads. Others feel it as a pit in their stomachs or in their throats. You can expect accompanying symptoms of rapid breathing, clenched hands, a higher-pitched and louder voice, and more rapid verbal exchanges. You may anticipate losing something important, or of being unfairly condemned.

As those physical symptoms arise, most people stop experiencing their partner’s actual presence, and perceive them like hurtful people from their past. The verbal attacks escalate and formerly loving partners become temporary enemies until the hostile interactions end. Then they must do damage control and try to reinstate the love they felt before.

Once you recognize the symptoms of building hostility, the next step is to pay attention to how you felt before the cascade began. Ask yourself these following questions:

What did your partner say that got you going?

What did you hear?

What reactions did you feel?

Why were those words so painful?

What were you afraid of losing?

What could you have done to stop your negative reaction?

Are you staying accountable to your own behavior?

Replacements

Once you and your partner have helped each other understand the impact of your hostile words, you are ready to change how you handle yourself in succeeding arguments. Take each hostile phrase you have examined together, and tell your partner how he or she could have expressed those same feelings in ways you could have accepted.

When you are doing the exercises together, you may come up with examples that more accurately fit your personal relationship. Partners who are willing to do the work can undo the negative spiral. It takes time and patience, but the end result will be well worth the effort.

Choosing Challenge Over Security - How Predictability Can End Discovery in Committed Relationships

2011-07-10T16:55:00.000-07:00

In every phase of life, and in every new situation, each person must continuously choose between security and predictability on the one hand, and the hunger for adventure and challenge on the other. If individuals have too much security, they can fall prey to a deadly trance of comfortable monotony that dulls the mind and kills the spirit. If, on the other hand, they live a life of continuous challenge and adventure, they may severely deplete their resources and live in unpredictable chaos. The optimum goal for each person is to find the best balance between the two choices.
That process is difficult enough for individuals when they have only themselves to consider. When they enter into an intimate relationship, they must mutually balance their conflicts with their significant other.
The partners in a new relationship are initially very willing to embrace whatever adventures their interaction may bring. They are attracted to the challenge of discovering each other, and continuously experience new thoughts, actions, and feelings. Not yet attached to whether the relationship will last, their needs for the comfort of security are not yet a consideration.
As they get to know each other and that rate of new discovery slows, the partners become more concerned about the relationship’s future. One or both partners limit any threatening personal transformations and reward each other instead for predictable interactions. They become partners who strive to accept each other’s limitations rather than challenge them. Their initial explorations into unknown territory fall into sleep mode as the partners let the past define the future, and see those chosen limitations as true and lasting love.
“I know I’ll always love you the same as I do now.”
“Don’t ever change. You’re perfect the way you are.”
“We understand each other so completely that we don’t even have to think about it anymore.”
“I can predict everything he wants and be there for him.”
“I just think of something I need, and she knows it before I tell her.”
“We’ve created the ultimate love. Let’s stay this way forever.”
“We accept each other’s faults completely. That’s why we get along so well.”
“We’ll never allow anything to separate us.”
These kinds of comments are what most romantic idealists would savor. Unfortunately, they maintain the trance state that can discourage further relationship growth. The partners saying them to each other believe that their familiarity and predictability more than compensates for the loss of the of excitement they once so avidly pursued. The intimacy of security has replaced the thrill of discovery, and made them vulnerable to losing the love they have created.
When people have given up challenge and discovery in exchange for security, they are in danger of investing less energy because the relationship does not demand it. Instead, the partners develop predictable verbal and physical rituals. As a result, they stop sharing any ideas that might threaten what they are protecting.
Too much predictability can lead to indifference. Over time, apathy can turn to exasperation, annoyance, and irritation. The security that once was their protective castle now becomes their prison. They have unwittingly become bored and boring to each other.
The couple often does not realize their problems stem from the boredom they have unwittingly created. Bickering over minimally offensive issues can grow into dramatic challenges. The couple may suspect that their presented complaints are not the real problem, but they are no longer able to understand what may be the underlying cause.
The real problem often turns out to be the discovery they have lost. They have accepted a life without emerging newness. Though mutually committed to life’s external challenges, they have become uninterested in their relationship.
Why do Committed Partners Choose Security over Continued Discovery?
Security is sweet. The partners in established relationships are comfortable knowing what to expect and able to handle whatever situations evolve. The ordinary struggles of life are enough for the partners to combat together, and unexpected ones are uncomfortably challenging.
When I ask them why they chose security over discovery, they tell me that they appreciate the closeness and the lessened energy it requires. They are less anxious when they do not have to be constantly on their toes, waiting for the next challenge.
“I already know what he’s going to say just by the way his face looks, and I’m usually right.”
“She walks in the house and starts cleaning furiously. I know I’m in for it, but we’ll work it out.”
“She puts fresh sheets on the bed and the computer is turned off when I walk in the door. I know she wants to make love.”
“He gets that silly grin on his face and I know he wants me to say yes to whatever is coming next.”
“He’s been late for the last three dates. I’ll get flowers this afternoon.”
“She’s being really nice to me. That means her mother’s coming to stay for a month.”
Why New Lovers Give up the Excitement of Discovery
New lovers are devoted to continuous discovery. They explore each other’s bodies, hearts, minds, and memories with excitement and intensity, searching for ever-new ways to join and intertwine. Each fresh discovery is stored and archived for future reference. They revel in their ability to second-guess whatever their partner’s desires are, and feel deeply satisfied when they succeed. They do not see predictability as a precursor to boredom; they see it as a well-traveled path to mutual comfort.
Each partner is in constant transformation, alive and open to every new experience. Both are emotionally responsive, constantly sending messages of hope and approval. They share constantly moving and passionate emotional earthquakes, enjoying their constant surprises. They support each other’s dreams, create new ones together, and become capable of things neither could do alone.
New lovers generate mutual aliveness together. Their innate love of the hunt combined with their lust-filled physical connections drives them into the deepest recesses of new experience. Their pupils dilate and their bodies tingle with adrenalin. They are just-outside-of-reach fascinating prey to each other, adding energy to every new discovery.
Along with their excitement of the hunt, the partners feel anxiety and insecurity. They are understandably concerned that their new connection will not hold its intensity. The more they fall in love, the more they fear the possible pain of the relationship’s potential ending. That fear drives them away from risking new thoughts or behaviors, and pushes them to seek comfort and security instead.
The two desires, hunting/discovery and fear/insecurity begin to conflict. Before, the lovers reveled in the constant newness of their experiences. Now they want to know that their partners will love them forever. To ensure that outcome, both begin to hide thoughts, feelings, or actions that could drive their lovers away. They offer only what they believe will be accepted, and stop searching for any new knowledge that would risk their partner’s rejection. The hunt is over and the partners are drawn into ritualized, predictable, and less interesting interactions.
How These Ritualized Couples Present in Therapy
Many committed couples find frustration in their counseling when they cannot seem to get to the core of their heartaches. Each time they resolve what they believe is the true problem, one or the other comes up with a new complaint. If boredom has become the underlying issue, it typically emerges in these disillusioning interactions.
The partners, unable to tolerate the hidden loss of passion, are often serial bickerers, fighting over seemingly useless, energy-draining issues. Their boredom has transformed into hostility, a pseudo-passion replacing any real intimacy. They are tired to examine their motivations or to find a way to do things differently, and they are no longer interested in each other’s opinions or feelings. When asked for time or interest, they often respond in irritated come-backs.
“I know, I know. You just want more time to yourself, right? Don’t mask it with some damn excuse.”
“What do you want? I’ve got a lot on my plate.”
“Why can’t you understand how tired I am? You’re never satisfied.”
“I’ve told you a thousand times, I’m never going to go to some bullshit dance class with you. I’m not interested.”
“Stop nagging me. Just write a list and I’ll get to it when I can.”
“If you want something, tell me. I can’t read your mind.”
“I don’t care why you did it, I still don’t like it. Either change your behavior or stop wanting me to like it. Okay?”
Most of the couples I see would never have spoken to each other like this in the beginning. They would have wanted to understand, cared about how their partner felt and why, and been motivated to find successful solutions to conflicts.
They’ve asked for help. They want to feel better. They even want to fall in love again, and don’t understand what has gone wrong.
How to Find Discovery and Excitement Again
If you and your partner fight over trivial issues, react curtly to each other, or go long periods without talking, what can you do to regenerate interest in each other? There are three steps you need to take:
1. Evaluate how far you have allowed your relationship to get out of balance.
2. Assess your motivation to change.
3. Recreate your initial desire for discovery.
The following exercises will help you.
Exercise 1 – Evaluation
Answer the following questions and score your responses. When you have completed your answers, ask your partner to do the same. Then share your answers with each other. Feel free to stop between each answer if either of you need to ask why, or how, you came to that conclusion.
Score your answers in the following way:
Always = 5
Often = 4
Occasionally = 3
Not very often = 2
Rarely = 1
When your partner tries to share an important experience with you, do you find yourself impatient for it to be over? ¬¬¬¬¬¬_____
Do you finish your partner’s sentences because you already know how they’re going to end?_____
When your partner states an opinion, could you have predicted it?_____
If your partner asks you a question, are you likely to give a superficial answer?_____
Are you sad that your partner doesn’t seem more interested in you?_____
Do you withhold things from your partner because you believe he or she wouldn’t really be interested?_____
Do you find that you aren’t willing to share new dreams with your partner anymore?_____
Do you find yourself wanting more excitement in your relationship?_____
How often do you notice that your energy together has diminished?_____
Do you wish that your interactions with your partner were more passionate?_____
Do you wish you could make your relationship more exciting, but withhold those ideas from him or her?_____
Add up your scores.

A score of 10-20 means you are not as bored as you thought.
A score of 20-30 means you are in the zone of concern.
A score of 30-40 is inching closer to diminishing interest in each other.
A score of 40-50 is a significant warning sign that your relationship is in trouble.
If either of you is concerned about your scores, your nest step is to evaluate your level of motivation to turn things around.
Exercise 2 – Motivation
Score the following questions using these options:
1 = In a heartbeat
2 = With some reservations
3 = Skeptical but willing to try
4 = Prove it to me
5 = I don’t trust it can change
Would you be willing to listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings if they included new ideas and challenging concepts?_____
Would you like to be surprised at what your partner shares with you?_____
Would you be more interested in your partner if his or her questions were not what you expected?_____
Would you like your partner to expect you to be more interesting?_____
Would you like your partner to be more interested in what you have to say?_____
Do you wish you felt more eager to tell your partner your thoughts and feelings?_____
Would you like to be more excited about sharing new ideas or feelings?_____
Would you like your partner to surprise you with thoughts and feelings you haven’t heard before?_____
Would you like more positive and energetic exchanges with your partner?_____
Would you like more passion in your relationship in general?_____
Do you wish your partner were more mysterious?_____
Add up your scores.
10-20 There is a good chance you can rediscover exciting challenges in your relationship.
20-30 You have lost some hope but are still willing to try.
30-40 You are discouraged that you won’t be able to get things going again.
40-50 You are clearly bored but resigned to things the way they are, and are willing to accept security without rocking the boat.
You may feel like you won’t see any changes no matter what, but when you try, your attitude will change, even with small differences. Hope creates energy and you will not need much to get your relationship going again.
The partners in great relationships constantly make sure that their balance between security and discovery stays in check. They love the intimacy of knowing each other deeply, but also understand that they also require continuing challenge and new discovery. They know they must continue transforming and evolving, even if that process temporarily threatens the security they have created. They hold on to the comfort they have come to treasure, while committing to discover new ways to be together. It’s important to know you can count on familiarity and predictability together, but it’s equally important to be surprised and challenged by new experiences.
You can’t ask your partner to become more interesting to you unless you also work on your own capacity to excite him or her in return. Start by changing your own predictable behaviors. Ask yourself when you last challenged your own purpose, looked for deeper meanings in life, or left unproductive rituals behind. What new ideas and thoughts have you withheld from your partner for fear that they might risk the comfort you depend upon? If both of you live by these rules, you will begin the upward spiral of again finding new discoveries in the person you thought you knew so well.
If you want to add more challenge and discovery to your relationship, please remember what you sought when your love was new. Tragically, most people who leave a committed relationship and begin to date again, instantly and willingly do all the things that would have possibly saved their last relationship had they done them there. You’ve invested so much in what you have created together. Adding the excitement of unexpected and interesting new experiences can recreate the best of what you once had with the joy of what you already have.

What Happened To Courtship and Pillow Talk? - The Loss of Romantic Sexuality

2011-06-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

Today’s mass media sanctions and supports lust-driven sex oriented towards fantasy, arousal, and orgasm. My single daters constantly ask me on which date they should expect sex to happen, relying on their physical responses for successful sexual contact. Their goal is to make that single physical focus work first, and then worry about what kind of relationship may or may not evolve. Most know intuitively that adding love to the mix can only make it better in the long run, but they fear rejection if they try to commit too early.

The beauty of romantic intimacy can only happen when lovemaking includes all the ways in which partners experience each other. The multiple dimensions of spiritual connection, emotional bonding, intellectual fusion, and physical affection must all be present before the sexual experience is the best it can be.

Romantic sexuality asks its potential lovers to be in the process of continuous discovery of all the significant dimensions throughout their relationship. If the magnetic intensity of physical attraction focus lovers into that single dimension too quickly, the others may be temporarily lost, or never realized. Couples who want to know sexual connection at its deepest fulfillment work together to make certain that they prolong each dimension until all are present.

Many people believe that women, more than men, need a period of extended romance prior to lovemaking. The truth is that romantic intimacy is as important to men as to women. Though men are more orgasm focused by nature, they do love a wonderful build-up as much as their partners do. Women may more often seek a longer courtship period, but do not always expect nor need their partners to prolong the pre-arousal experience.

It is not true that women prefer courtship and men would just as soon, literally and figuratively, get in and get out. Many women are well able to enjoy a purely lustful sexual connection at times, and many men are innately romantic and prefer a long, intimate buildup before they are sexual. There is a significant difference between lust-driven sex and romantic sex. When love enters the picture, sex changes, and the primary drive to orgasm becomes a four-stage process that ensures complete satisfaction for both genders.

The four stages of romantic sex begin with courtship, move through sexual arousal and orgasm, and end with pillow-talk. The courtship and pillow-talk stages are more timeless, and nurture deep affection, discovery, and emotional intimacy. The second and third are more pleasure oriented and driven by physical desires.

When lovers are able to integrate all four stages in sequence, they experience the middle stages of arousal and orgasm differently from participating in those same two stages during lust-only sex. Folded into the embrace of their lovers, they add love and emotion to their foreplay and release.

The Four Stages of Romantic Sex

Stage One – Courtship

Mating clues are influenced by time and culture. As if predestined, two people find each other in unpredictable ways. Within moments, they circle each other, searching for signs of mutual recognition. Wanting to be invited and fearful of rejection, each watches the other covertly, hoping that the relationship will happen. They show their interest by consciously and unconsciously signaling their desire, hoping it will be returned in kind.

The conflict between growing desire and carefulness to avoid rejection creates a wonderful tension. Feeling the uncertainty of outcome, they begin the ageless dance of flirtation. Approaching and avoiding, touching and pretending ignorance, coming in close and running away, the potential lovers feign disinterest while raptly attentive.

Committed couples replay these tender moments of new discovery as well. They know how to recreate courtship as if it had not happened before. Temporarily putting aside the intimacy of familiarity, they search for new ways to appreciate each nuance of each other that they may have overlooked in the past. They realize that they must be continually transforming internally to make those new discoveries authentic and to keep the mystery between them alive.

Independent of age or gender, the signs of new or reclaimed courtship are familiar to us all. We feel an intensely focused, joyous desire for connection, yet willing to play with the idea that we may not connect this time. People newly within each other’s captive arousal are quickly memorizing every word, gesture, and desire. They search for any hint of invitation while anticipating the despair of unrequited love. The movement toward fusion of soul, mind, and body, has begun.

When courtship follows its course, both partners begin to feel more welcomed and confident in each other’s realms. Initially obsessed with a mutual urgency to secure the treasure, the lovers now experience a calm timelessness. They no longer feel pressure to move the process quickly because it has become too sweet to rush. Filled with a delicious desire to prolong the tension, the lovers allow their bodies to store the excitement and anticipated ecstasy.

Stage Two – Sexual Arousal

The lovers have electrified one another’s complete being, fully engulfed in the discovery of every dimension. They now begin to focus on specific sexual arousal. Emotional and loving affection becomes erotic, as erogenous zones call out to be touched. The new lovers have an almost unbearable urge to fuse as one.

They search to please one another, directing their foreplay to their partner’s wishes while communicating their own. Every dimension of their being vibrates with desire. The time they have given during their courtship phase has allowed their hunger to mature. The sexual expression of that deep connection makes the experience exquisite. They want it to last. Locked in an embrace and allowing their natural physical desires to grow, they strive to put aside their limitations and search for ways to increase each other’s pleasure.

Separately and together, they begin to build the energy that unites them emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically, in the simultaneous desire for release.

Stage Three – Orgasm

As the lovers move towards their individual orgasms, they become less aware of each other’s presence and more exquisitely tuned to their own desire for release. If the lovers are skilled, experienced, and responsive to each other, they may be able to share simultaneous orgasms. They can also find deep satisfaction in taking care of each other in sequence, sharing the pleasures of alternately giving and taking. As long as they feel confident that their partners are close and similarly entranced, their mutual enjoyment is reborn in these moments of total vulnerability.

Stage Four – Pillow Talk

The experience that follows orgasmic release is an intertwined state of wonderment, satiation, and openness. The partners are beautiful to each other. Like children in a state of bliss, they are able to share their most vulnerable fantasies and their deepest fears. Not wanting to feel the inevitable separateness of quieted arousal, they reach to one another in a different way, searching for new understanding and deeper connection.

The deeply connected lovers often treasure these relaxed moments together in many ways that are meaningful to both. Some take long, sweet showers and serve each other delicious foods. Others wrap themselves in warm blankets and listen to their favorite music or watch a beloved movie. Not wanting to let go of their intimate connection, the lovers continue to savor experiences that shut out the rest of the world and its pressures.

Still in the afterglow of their sensual connection, lovers may begin to flirt again, deliberately pretending they are farther apart than they are, and begin to build desire again. Timeless connection can lead to a new cycle of romantic lovemaking, as well as promises for encores.

The four stages are not necessarily as long or passionate each time. Every couple has its own needs at a particular time. Sometimes the goals of courtship happen very quickly and at other times take more time. Foreplay and arousal can last for a few minutes or for several hours. The depth of arousal can create a drive for multiple orgasmic experiences or one profound release. Some couples share vulnerable and intimate thoughts for hours after the sexual part of their connection is complete.

There will be times when one or both partners want to alter the cycle by abbreviating or eliminating some of the stages. Sometimes one partner may not be interested in his or her own release but is happily willing to service the other. Or, when time is short, both agree to only do stages two and three because they just want to have a lust experience separate from their emotional connection. Those choices are normally not a problem, as long as the couple completes the entire romantic cycle often enough to regenerate their love.

Why Romantic Sex so Often Diminishes in Committed Relationships

Unfortunately, as relationships mature, life’s stresses affect even the most intimate of partners. Couples may not set aside time for lovemaking as often as they would like, but can do better when they schedule uninterrupted time together.

Too often, partners truncate the romantic sexual cycle to the two stages of arousal and orgasm. If that shortened connection becomes the norm, the lovers will find it hard to return to the longer, more romantic process. Without the timeless build-up and moments of safe vulnerability, the lovemaking experience becomes only goal-oriented, lust-driven, and dependent on sexual expertise and physical stimulation. The mystery of courtship and the sweetness of the afterglow intimacy are lost in the compromise.

Most couples accept that their lust and sexual frequency will diminish as their relationship matures. They hope that the dimensions of care, familiarity, security, and comfort will grow and compensate for the loss. Many couples, short of time and energy, choose to engage in quick arousal and mutual satisfaction. Most do not realize the importance of maintaining some full cycles of romantic sex, no matter how long they have been together. They risk the danger of losing the depth of true lovemaking if they do not return to their initial commitment from time to time.

When I ask them whether they remember those four wondrous stages and how important they once were, they rarely disagree. They can still recall those sweet times, yet they forget to make the practice a priority. Even as we begin talking about what once was, they soften.

“Honey, I think we may be working too hard for the goals we’ve set and forget what’s really important.”

“Maybe I assumed I already know everything about you, so I’ve stopped searching for more of you. Remember how I used to wash your back in the shower afterward? We’d chase each other around the house in our towels, trying to pull them away and usually ending up laughing on the bed. It’s a little harder to do that with our two-year-old running after us.”

“I think we’re just too tired to put in the effort. It didn’t seem like effort before. What’s happened to us?”

“You know, we do get it going pretty well on vacation, but nowadays we just don’t seem to make the time to get away alone very much. I do still wonder what you’re thinking, but, but I don’t find the time or place to ask you. I do care. I don’t understand why I haven’t made it more important.”

“We’re good at turning each other on physically, and you always satisfy me so easily. I think we’re kind of spoiled. It’s just easier to do our ritual. I can see that we’re settling for less now. I miss you, honey, in so many ways.”

What Makes Partners Give up Their Romantic Sex Cycle?

Why would committed partners give up something so important, especially when they are closer and more deeply intimate now than when they were new lovers? Why were they once so willing to invest their time and energy, yet are no longer as motivated to make wonderful sex happen?

The answer lies in the nature of romance itself. When it is functioning at its best, romance is interplay of sensual, spiritual, intellectual, emotional fantasy and desire. Lovers long for the unconditional acceptance and adoration that most people only had as children. They call each other by baby names, and fondle one another in tender, petting ways. They exaggerate positive qualities and ignore the negatives. Both bathe each other in sweetness, devotion, and magnetic attraction. They cannot get enough of the magic they create together, and will do anything to maintain that connection. The combination of ideal parent/child fusion with unbridled lust is fiery.

Romantic sex, immersed in this exquisite, intimate connection, is a process of continuous discovery. When flirtations evolve into love, the partners, filled with curiosity, want to completely know the other. Every interaction is permeated by new tastes, new smells, new experiences, new secrets, and new surprises. Emerging revelations continually reawaken the partners.

Their own love of self is also renewed in that rearrangement of fascination and satisfaction. They revel in the wondrous experience of positive reflection in their lover’s eyes. Life becomes a series of enchanting experiences.

At the same time, new lovers also feel more anxiety and more fear of loss. But an exquisite aliveness comes with that insecurity. Never knowing what possibilities still lie undiscovered, the lovers pursue each new exploration with passionate involvement, entering landscapes in which they must tread lightly and heroically.

As people spend more time together, they too often believe that they have learned everything they need to know about each other. Perhaps the security and predictability lulls them into interdependency. They spend more of their resources maintaining memories and predicting outcomes than in searching for new ways to be together.

When partners replace discovery with security, they devote their resources to practicality and efficiency, instead of the challenges they once sought so eagerly. The adoration and timelessness that marked their romantic sex cycle becomes we-know-and-love-each-other-already-so-we-really-don’t-have-to-make-any-unnecessary-waves habitual sexual ritual. They just have too much to do before and after their sexual connections, so they get them over with as efficiently as possible. Were they to start searching for new discoveries in each other again, they would have to steal time away from other obligations.

Getting Back on Track

Each couple must decide how important romantic lovemaking is to their relationship, and whether they are willing to take the time to regenerate it.

Answer the following questions to see where you and your partner stand in your current relationship. Give yourself a score from one to five on each question below. Assign your scores using this guide.

1 = Not much any more

2= Once in a while

3 = Sometimes

4 = Most of the time

5= Always

Questions:

Do you feel desirable when you and your partner begin lovemaking?

Do you spend some flirtatious time together before you begin your arousal stage?

Can you tease each other playfully before and after your sexual connection?

Do you feel fulfilled when sex is over?

Do you feel heart-joined during your sexual experience?

Do you stay together after sex and talk about special things?

Are you still discovering new things about each other?

Does your partner intrigue you?

Are you sad when your sexual interaction is over, wishing it could have lasted longer?

When you think about your partner sexually, do you look forward to your next encounter?

Do you feel secure in your partner’s love and interest during your sexual experience?

Do you like experiences all four stages of romantic love more frequently?

Now take the test again, and answer it as you would have when you were first together sexually.

Compare the scores. Don’t be distressed if they differ markedly. They probably would be lessened in any long-term relationship. The test is only a baseline for you to decide together whether and how you want to change how you currently make love.

There are many legitimate reasons why couples allow their romantic sexual cycles to diminish. Major illnesses, children, work obligations, unexpected trauma, financial stressors, and family obligations are only a few. Still, the most common reason is that committed partners simply forget how important romance is to the regeneration of love.

Some couples, fulfilled in other ways, can be very happy with occasional romantic sexual connections, or decide that sex is less important in their lives. Others feel their relationship is in trouble if these special moments of intimacy diminish, and fight to reinstate them. Sadly, unequal sexual appetites or different romantic desires can create sorrow and disappointment that can result in the further destruction of intimacy.

If you miss your romantic lovemaking and your test scores tell you that it’s time to re-evaluate, please know that you can change your behaviors and take back the joy you once knew. I’ve seen many couples re-establish the four stages of romantic sexual intimacy and enthusiastically report wonderful, regenerated love. They wonder how they forgot how sweet it was, and promise each other they will not live without it again.

When Should I Have Told You? - How Negative Surprises Affect Intimate Relationships

2011-05-15T22:20:00.001-07:00

One of the most difficult dilemmas people face in the dating world is when to tell potential partners something that could scare them away. They hope that embarrassing histories might fare better when they've had a chance to secure a stronger footing first, and know a little more about the person before they reveal their vulnerability.

Even after we develop trust between us, my patients often wait longer to reveal potentially off-putting stories. It can be gut-wrenching to talk about their financial mistakes, religious beliefs, family skeletons, traumas, failed relationships, quirky tastes, inheritable illnesses, or past sexual experiences. Most people are understandably nervous about the consequences of sharing delicate information. They anticipate that someone who is important to them will feel critical of what they’ve shared.

Most people understandably tell new people in their lives the things about them that are more inviting. Some of their past experiences have shown that partners who have grown to love them might forgive their transgressions more easily. They're willing to risk being seen as untrustworthy rather than give up the chance to prove otherwise from a better vantage point.

From what these treasured people have taught me, I created The Law of No Negative Surprises. It essentially states that: Any data that could ever hurt a potential partner must be disclosed before it does. The law is written to prevent the universal difficulty of restoring the loss of trust when partners fail to inform and are found out later. Once told of a potentially damaging negative surprise, any reasonable partner has to think what others may lurk behind. And, interestingly enough, most people would prefer being told anything that might turn them away sooner rather than later. Yet, they find it very hard to do themselves.

The content of these internal struggles varies considerably, but they are universally human. A day doesn't go by that I don’t witness these conflicts. Here are some examples:

“When am I obligated to tell my new lover that I've never had an orgasm during intercourse? I’ve been faking them for years but I really like this guy and I want to be open with him. My deepest fear is that he’ll want to know why, and I'm afraid to tell him what happened to me as a child. It's too painful.”

“I just wanted to get to know her better before I told her about smoking dope every night. I was hoping she’d like me better by then and would understand that I treat my anxiety that way. I have a medical marijuana card but I’m not an addict. It's the best medicine I've ever had to help me sleep at night. I'm afraid she might not believe me.”

“Does someone you love have to know everything bad you’ve ever done? I’ve had three abortions and he's catholic. I’m really scared he'll never forgive me. I've only told a couple of very close friends and they’re sworn to secrecy forever. I don't think it'll ever come out. What do you think I should do?”

“If it’s never going to affect her, why does she have to know that I used to gamble? I haven't made a bet in over ten years and I'm not going to. I do go to GA meetings every week. Can I just tell her something else when I go? Maybe when she knows me better, she'll trust me more. The last woman I told left me because her dad was a gambler and she didn't want to take any chances.”

“He’s so insecure about how few women he’s been with. I don’t think he needs to know how many guys I’ve dated, do you? I'm not a slut or anything, but I used to be a big party girl. I'm so tame now; he'd never recognize that person anymore. I know I can stay with one guy forever if I really love him.”

“She’s so fearful about not having enough money, because she grew up so poor. I just can’t bring myself to tell her how much I owe to my folks. If she knew how impulsive I was with money at one time, she’d never date me again. I'll get the debt paid off. I cash my check every week and give them something towards the debt. I may never get it completely paid off before I lose them, but my inheritance will cover the balance. I’m really better with money now.”

“My doctor says the STD is under control and I probably can’t ever infect anyone between break-outs. I can just tell him I’m out of town when I get a breakout so he won’t wonder why I can’t see him. Besides, lots of people don't ever tell, guys particularly. Why should I have to be the one who's exposed? I’ve never infected anyone before. Is it wrong to just bury this?”

“Yeah, I was in prison for drugs, but hell, that was twenty years ago. Do I have to parade that out for anyone I meet?”

“I feel entitled to my privacy, secrets included. What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, can it? There’s no possible way he could find out. The records were sealed because I was under eighteen. I don’t want to have to pay for the rest of my life just because I was a stupid teenager.”

The list could go on and on. Every facet of human interaction is susceptible to errors. No one is exempt from making mistakes or doing things they later regret. Everyone brings his or her own baggage of embarrassing secrets to every new relationship and has to make the fateful decision of when, whether, or how, to tell a potential partner. An incorrectly timed confession can make or break a new relationship, but the withholding of crucial information discovered too late can do the same.

What guidelines can you use?

Area One - What you need to reveal as soon as possible.

What Anyone Can Find Out About You:

Most everyone I see now immediately looks up someone on Facebook or Google before going very far in a new relationship. The amount of information about you that is readily available would astound most people. Your work history, places you've lived, crimes you've committed, what you earn, what you've done to earn it, or who is important to you and why, are all there for anyone to see.

If you're uncomfortable telling a new person that stuff outright, at least suggest that they look you up, and let them know that you'll answer any questions if they're still interested. Be honest and up-front when they do. The way you present yourself is at least as important as what you've done.

What Needs to be Told:

Anything or anyone that could cause your potential partner direct or indirect harm is better told up front. Of course, STD's are most often the most painful concerns, but there are others. If you're involved in anything illegal, have dated someone close to that new person, are committed to someone else who doesn't know you're out looking, are on parole, have major obligations to other relationships like children, or have serious food allergies, you might want to mention that early on. Face-to-face is always better because that initial interaction might be your last and you're pretty much off the hook. But, if you like each other, you are better off respecting yourself and that person by being honest.

You can preface your statements with something like, “I want you to trust me, so I'm going to share some things about myself up front here. I hope you won't judge me negatively, but I'd rather you know now so you can make that choice before we give up on each other.” Ask yourself how you would feel about someone honest enough to share that kind of vulnerability. Even if you didn't want to pursue the relationship further because of what you’ve been told, you would probably appreciate that person’s honesty.

Area Two – What You Will Need to Reveal Soon

If the relationship seems to be progressing and you're spending more time with each other, it's time to reveal deeper issues that might affect the relationship. You should be having a conversation that doesn't necessarily guarantee a forever commitment, but that does require mutual openness about anything that might get in the way.

This is the time to talk about your aspirations and dreams for your own future, and how you see yourself accomplishing them. Commitments take time, energy, and resources away from a relationship unless they are mutual. Tell your potential future partner what your plans are for you past, present, and future obligations, and how important they are to you. Prior relationships that are still around, aging parents that you feel obligated to take care of, how you feel about sharing money, material things that are important, whether you want to have children, any addictions, and what your personality defects might be under certain conditions.

Tell him or her what to expect with a longer and deeper commitment. Share prior relationship successes and failures and what caused them. In short, give your potential partner a preview of what to expect, should he or she get more involved with you. Of course, you want the same honest, vulnerable statements in return.

Area Three – What You Need to Reveal Before You Make a Commitment

Now is the time to tell your lover what they'd have to share to be with you. Where you stand with financial obligations, if you have an inheritable disease, whether you are open to a long-term relationship with that person, what he or she will face with family, prior friendships, business acquaintances, past or present therapy, medicines you are on and why, and any past entanglements that could surface that might affect the relationship.

You're trying to reach a place of trust with this new partner. No double standards, no doing things behind his or her back, and keeping your word. That means telling it like it is, and taking the chance that the love you've created between you will overcome any barriers that may still be left.

Area Four – What You Have a Right to Keep Private

This area is so vulnerable to personal interpretations. Not knowing how another might see your situation, you are understandably reticent to share these memories. You must ask yourself if it is just too painful to share with anyone, or whether you don't trust the person you're with to understand and help you overcome your fears. Privacy is a right. Secrecy is a potential hazard to the intimacy of a relationship. Only the person struggling with the knowledge can decide for him or herself.

Some of the things that my patients have told me they can never share have to do with painful, embarrassing, or primitive feelings. Sexual fantasies that involve bestiality or virginal conquests are examples. Perhaps they’ve had an embarrassing homosexual experience that left them conflicted about their sexual orientation.

Many people don't want a current lover to know they were once bulimic, or had sex with more than one person at a time. Incest is a very difficult experience to share, especially if the person still has a relationship with the parent who violated him or her in childhood. Some people have made very disastrous financial decisions and feel too foolish to share them. Others have lived for years pretending they graduated college when, in fact, they did not. Many people don't want to reveal a DUI that resulted in someone’s being injured.

Whatever your personal reasons are for withholding information, you must be certain that they never hinder your mutual love and trust should that information emerge. If it does not impair your partner, now or ever, or if it is something you have resolved that would not set up barriers to love, it is your prerogative to keep it within your private domain.

Wrap Up

Imagine this fantasy. You are on a first date with someone you are truly excited about, and he or she seems to feel the same way about you. To get any potential barriers completely out of the way, the two of you decide to ask any questions of each other that might ever be a problem in the future. Holding pen and pad in hands, you alternate asking the following questions and writing down each other’s answers. You have, of course, agreed to show no judgment, prejudice, or negative reactions because you've promised to be totally open and civil.

Here are the questions you might ask:

· "What is your complete relationship history?"

· "How many partners have you had?"

· "How did your relationships end? Did you leave, or did they? Why?"

· "What kind of physical health are you in? Any inheritable diseases?"

· "Do I need to be concerned about your future medical needs?"

· "Where are you from and where do you want to settle down?"

·"Do you have any skeletons in your closet that would be an unwelcome surprise later on?"

· "How much money do you have? Are you in debt?"

· "How do you feel about sharing our resources?"

· "Who are your people and what were their beliefs about relationships?"

· "What part of your culture are you attached to, and what are you unwilling to give up?"

· "Do you have children? What ages and what are they like? Would I like them?

· "What part do they play in your life emotionally and financially?

· "If you don't yet have children, do you want them?"

· "What are your core values, the things you would symbolically live and die for?"

· "What are your dreams?"

· "What do you think your best and worst attributes are?"

· "Do you get angry easily? When you do, are you abusive?"

· "Is there anything about you that I should be wary of?"

· "Are you compulsively addicted to anything or anybody?"

· "Do you believe in God? Why or why not?"

· "Are your parents still married? Happily?"

· "Have you had any traumas that I should know about?"

· "Do you like sex and are you functional?"

· "Do you have a sexually transmittable disease?

· "Are you trustworthy?"

· "What are your prejudices?"

· "Do you take risks?"

· "Why aren't you already with someone?"

· "Is your family a problem?

· "How do your ex-partners feel about you?"

· "Do you quit when things get hard?"

· "Do you lie about important things?"

· "Are you able to love even when you have to sacrifice?"

· "Why did you want to meet me?"

If both of you liked the answers to these deeply personal questions, you would have an amazing chance to create an unbelievably successful relationship that would not likely fall prey to hidden disappointments later on. It may be embarrassing, painful, and scary to be honest about who you are soon into any relationship, but you will also know the person you're with by how he or she responds. Each of us must make those fateful decisions in the most heroic way we can.

Speaking Before You Think - Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome in Committed Relationships

2011-05-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

Committed couples regularly say negative things to each other that they wouldn't say to anyone else. Without apparent forethought, they casually communicate critical comments they would never have uttered when their love was new.

A number of times every day in couples’ counseling sessions, I watch as these intimate partners blurt out hurtful words or phrases without apparent forethought. When I point out the apparent level of tactless honesty that is happening, they are often surprised. They had not realized how much their day-to-day interactions had coarsened.

When they are made aware of how they are speaking to each other, they wonder how their communication could have possibly deteriorated to that extent. They are easily reminded that they automatically chose diplomacy in the beginning of their relationship. If they needed to say anything potentially hurtful to each other, they were careful to assess the risks before they spoke.

These unfortunate spontaneous, tactless outbursts are common to every couple after their initial courting phase. They make believe they are just truthful representations of honesty, rarely consciously intended to cause the level of hurt they actually do. Unfortunately, these critical comments expressed without pre-awareness of the likely outcome are not benign. They cause cumulative damage that will eventually wear down the relationship’s resilience.

Interestingly enough, these same people rarely forget to be diplomatic with others. In most situations outside of their committed relationship, they would think before they speak, and would not take the chance of casually offending someone.

Most long-time intimate partners lose that awareness. They have become so familiar with each other that they expect automatic forgiveness when they say something in a hurtful way. They forget that a more caring delivery is more likely to get them what they want.

When I ask my committed couples why they have forgotten to think first before they speak, they often tell me that they felt their partners would understand what they really meant, and not be offended. They agree that, if they’d thought about it, they might realize that their remarks would probably sting a little, but it was easier to take the chance than to remember to be careful.

Here is a typical exchange in a session when this couple was made aware of what they were doing:

Carole: “I thought it was kind of funny when I remarked that his love handles had grown geometrically in the last year. I never meant to make him feel bad. I really didn’t.”

Joe: “It was kind of funny at the time, but probably not so funny when I thought about it later. I wondered if she wasn’t turned on to me anymore because I’ve gained a little weight. Now that I think about it, I guess I was hurt, even though I laughed and tried to let it go at the time.”

Carole: “I never meant it to be anything but teasing in a loving way. But, now that we’re talking about it again, I’m probably not really being totally truthful. Joe was a little pudgy when we were first together, but I never would have told him that way then. I do feel more turned on when he is in better shape, but it doesn’t have anything to do with how much I love him. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him in a nicer way. I would have before.”

Joe: “Now I remember coming back at you with a pretty tactless statement of my own. I said that you were probably trying to get me to feel unattractive so you could get away with your crush on that therapist on TV. We both laughed but I think I was just trying to make you feel guilty for what you said. I could have been a lot nicer about it.”

Not only do caring partners blurt out these potentially painful statements, but they also tend to increase their callousness over time. Somehow they must expect their partners to build resilience and not be as offended. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. When the partners in an intimate relationship do not curb their unthinking, critical remarks, those comments can touch raw areas.

Early in the relationship:

“Honey, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I’m noticing that your hair is getting a little thin on top. I know guys are sensitive about losing their hair, but I don’t want someone else to embarrass you without your expecting it.”

When the relationship is established:

“Did you know that you’re losing a lot of hair on the back of your head? You’re combing it funny and it doesn’t help. Wear a baseball cap or something if you feel weird about it. Lots of guys get thin on top. It’s no big deal.”

Early in the relationship:

“Sweetheart, I know you drank more than you intended. Let me take you home and tuck you into bed before you feel sick. I’m worried about you.”

When the relationship is established:

“You know, you’re really drunk. All our friends are talking behind your back. I need to get you home before you make a bigger fool of yourself. You really need to take this seriously. I’m embarrassed.”

Early in the relationship:

“I’m okay, I really am. We can try making love again later, sweetheart. Everyone gets tired some of the time. You probably had a little too much to drink. It’ll be okay.”

When the relationship is established:

“I don’t mind working at this, but I think it’s time for you to get some Viagra.”

Early in the relationship:

“I think you look beautiful no matter what you weigh. You’ll always be exciting to me exactly as you are.”

When the relationship is established:

“You know, you’re getting a little rounder than you used to be. Your hour-glass is definitely bottom heavy. ”

Remembering how to say things in an effective and caring way doesn’t mean compromising integrity or honesty. Partners who have been together for a while need that kind of openness with each other. They want accurate feedback from someone they trust. But that isn’t a license for delivering truth with a pointed spear.

The tools to be more caring and effective are not difficult to master. When you put them into practice, you can significantly reduce potential damage and still hold on to the integrity of honesty that you need from each other.

Before you say something that may be interpreted by your partner as critical, go through the following five steps:

Step One – Be clear to yourself about your feelings and your state of mind.

Go inside to make sure you know what your motivation is for what you are about to say, and what you are trying to get across. If you're feeling irritable, upset, or sad about something, you may want to wait until you feel better before you speak.

If you are going to explode if you don't talk about what you're experiencing, tell your partner first what’s going on with you so he or she can be prepared. Make sure to say what is really going on with you. If your feelings come from an earlier, unresolved interaction, focus on that instead.

Step Two - Remembering your past interactions with your partner, think about any previous interactions that began with the way you are planning to speak now. Ask yourself the following questions:

What happened in the past when you said these things?

How did your partner feel and respond?

What was the outcome?

Do you want to repeat those same interactions?

How did you feel about your partner’s response after you said what you said?

In retrospect, do you wish you had phrased it differently?

Step Three – Try to leave your own point of reference for a moment, and imagine how your partner will feel after you say what you're planning to say. Get into his or her space for a moment.

Can you really imagine what it is like to be him or her?

Do you want your comment to elicit what you believe it will?

How do you think he or she will respond to what you are about to say?

Are you willing to be responsible for the outcome?

Step Four – Were an objective party to witness a video of your intended interaction, what would he or she think of you as a partner?

Would you be okay with that observation?

If not, what would you be more comfortable with?

Is this imminent communication going to take you closer to, or farther from who you want to be?

Step Five – Using everything you know about wonderful connections between people who love each other, how is what you’re about to say going to help you and your partner be the best you can be together?

Will your proposed statement, and the outcome, take good care of both of you?

Would there be a better way to say what you need to say that would result in a better result?

Here is an example. Pete and Beth have been together for nine years. They have a good relationship and care deeply about each other. Both are working hard at establishing careers, and the intimacy of the relationship is suffering. They haven’t been as close lately, and are both looking for nurturing from the other.

The old way:

Pete is exhausted from a hard day and his partner is talking on and on, seemingly insensitive to how tired he is. He’s trying to listen, but his patience is thinning and he’s angry that Beth doesn't seem to get it. Without thinking about the consequences, he blurts out,

“Beth, you’re talking non-stop and really overloading me. Can't you just get to the point?”

Beth visibly recoils, feeling chastised and rejected.

She responds. “You say you really care about me, Pete, but you obviously you don't. Why do you ask how I am and then dump this crap on me? I've got things to do, too. Let me know when you want some attention. Maybe you could send me your script the day before and I’ll memorize the lines, okay?”

Pete gets more irritated. “I told you this was a hard time for me. You could be a little more sympathetic and not get off on your sarcasm. I’m going to bed.”

There is no room for kindness, tact, or diplomacy in their interaction. They would never have spoken to each other like this early in their relationship and aren’t even aware that their words are so insensitive now. Having hurt each other unnecessarily, they will probably sleep separately and wish they were together.

Using the five steps, Pete thinks about what’s going on before he speaks.

Step One – How am I feeling on the other end of Beth’s sharing her day with me?

I'm feeling really tired but I don't want to turn her down. She seems so bubbly and excited about what she's telling me, but I can't listen to very much more. I wish she could see how difficult this is for me right now and not put me in this position..

Step Two – What’s has happened in our past that is similar to what is happening now?

When I've listened beyond my patience, I've gotten more irritable and said something that hurt her. I'm playing out the same pattern here. If I don't do it differently, she'll have every reason in the world to shut me out for the night, and I could really use some support. I need to be more effective here and not just repeat a stupid pattern from the past, for her sake and for mine.

Step Three – What would it be like for me to be her right now? What would she feel if I say something insensitive just to protect myself?

She knows I've been coming home late for a week now. I've had very little to give and I'm probably looking like I'm patronizing her. She's a caring person so she must have to work hard at not noticing my behavior so that she can get a little attention. I don't want to let her down but I can't go on much longer. Maybe I can just tell her how much I appreciate her but that I need her to help me rest right now. I sure don’t want to hurt her just to get my own needs met.

Step Four – How would others see us right now?

Objective observes would see me being a martyr and tolerating someone I care about because I'm so into my own deal. They'd see me building up resentment while pretending to pay attention. If I let go and let her have it, they would see me as invalidating her and making her feel stupid. I wouldn't feel proud of my behavior. I need to find another way. Maybe I don’t trust her enough to let her know how exhausted I am..

Step Five – What would be the best way to handle this situation?

A perfect interaction here would be for me to just let her know how I feel and ask her to help me rather than cause her unnecessary distress. I do love her but this just isn't the right time for me to listen enthusiastically. I'll ask her to take care of me a little first and promise to be a better listener later this evening. I need to remember that she isn't out to use me and needs to understand what she can do to help the situation. She’s always been there for me when I’ve needed her. Why do I forget that?

Using the five steps, Pete puts out a different dialogue:

“Honey, I'd love to hear about your day. I want you to share it with the enthusiasm you're feeling, but I can’t do it right now. I'm in a lousy mood and way too tired to give you what you want. I've let my own stuff get in the way in the past and blamed you for not caring enough to understand. I know that you miss being close and you’re trying to share your life with me. You deserve to. Can you give me a little time to relax and let go? I'd really appreciate it. How about I take a shower and check my email. Then let’s have a glass of wine and turn off the TV. I want to give you the kind of quality time you deserve. I need your help to do this right.”

Beth responds: “When you open up to me and tell me how much you’re hurting, I just want to love you back. I don’t need to load you up with senseless details of my day, Pete. I just miss you so much. Don’t worry, okay? Everything’s going to be fine.”

This couple’s return to sensitive, caring communication will begin to heal the distance both have been feeling.

Learning to think before you talk to your intimate partner can seem weighty and mechanical at first, but after a while, it becomes much more automatic. Sometimes your negative feelings will emerge before you get a change to get things under control and you'll have to do these steps with your partner after the fact. Even though it would obviously have been better to do them up front, they will still make things better.

A helpful exercise:

It is not that the partners in an intimate commitment should never feel critical of each other. Relationships are not perfect and disappointments over unmet expectations are bound to happen. But when the many unnecessary critical remarks are removed, the way is cleared for genuine differences to be aired and resolved without sitting on a platform of cumulative hurts that should never have happened.

Think of some of the repeated, negative and ineffective interactions you and your partner have had in the past when you have spoken critically without thinking it through first. Then share them with each other. When you have, role-play them as if they were happening again in the moment practicing the steps. Alternate the roles so both of you get to practice. Give each other continuous feedback as to how well you are doing, especially in Step Three where you have to guess what your partner is experiencing on the other end of you.

If you practice these steps on a regular basis, your relationship will change for the better in a very short time. Even intended, conscious arguments diminish, and the relationship heals more quickly as a result.

Should I Date This Person Again? - First-Date Behaviors That Can Predict Relationship Success or Failure

2011-04-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

Many of my patients have asked me why some relationships just seem to work, and others do not. They often invest a significant amount of time with a new person only to find out later that it has been in vain. They wish they had known how to have predicted that outcome early on.

Over the years, the question has intrigued me. To find the answer, I began categorizing the First-Date personality characteristics and behaviors that survived the test of time, and those that did not. As you read through them, ask yourself whether the lovers you have stayed with exhibited the nine positive behaviors, and if those you eventually disconnected from displayed those seven that are negative. To be fair, ask yourself where you may have behaved similarly.

Please do not be embarrassed if you or your lover’s behaviors have fallen into the negative categories. All behaviors can be changed if you can identify them and are willing to do what is necessary to replace them with those that are more successful.

The Nine Characteristics That Often Predict Relationship Success

Physical desirability:

Physical desirability is the most common characteristic that is initially attracting in most all new relationships. Interestingly enough, it is not limited to just sex appeal. Physical desirability is an overarching feeling people have when they look at someone who physically intrigues them. That choice can be influenced by many things, only one of which is physical. Though it may be strongly directed by sexual lust at the beginning of a relationship, it lasts far beyond that initial phase.

I've known people whose childhood hero or heroine influenced their choice of mate for a lifetime. Others look for a replication of an earlier love or a simulation of a childhood nurturer. Some were deeply influenced by a character in a movie or book and seek to live out that fantasy in their own lives.

You will know when you are attracted to someone’s physical characteristics because you are entranced by the way they look to you.

“I couldn’t stop looking at her.”

“It seemed as if I was falling into his eyes.”

Generosity:

Whether of spirit, availability, or pocketbook, generosity is a definite winner. It is not no so much their offering of gifts, but their willingness to give that matters. Generous people look for ways to care, often before they are asked. They pay attention to what others want.

Innately generous people don’t worry about being taken advantage of, or of being judged unfairly. They easily forgive faults and look for the best in people.

You will know when you are with a generous person when you feel that your needs are upper most in his or her mind.

“He seemed to anticipate my every desire.”

“I’d never known someone so willing to please.”

Kinship:

People who love deeply and are loved in return are very desirable. It takes a lot of energy to maintain close and intimate relationships, and these people make it a high priority. They are laid back and secure because they have nurtured so many relationships and know they can count on them when they need them.

These naturally social people show you their ability to connect by the way they are genuinely interested in you. The seemingly effortless interest they show makes you feel important and valuable.

You will know when you are with a successfully social person when you feel automatically included in their personal circle.

“She must have a million friends, and they all seem to love her.”

“I couldn’t believe how many people showed up to help him.”

Compassion:

The ability to feel compassionate is crucial to a successful long-term relationship. Compassionate people genuinely feel others pain. They want to understand, empathize, and help.

It’s easy to enjoy another person's company when things are going well. Compassionate people don't miss a beat when their lovers are in trouble. They are especially available when things are not going so well.

You will know you’re with a compassionate person when you feel comfortable being vulnerable and don’t feel you have to cover your faults.

“No one has ever cared for me that way before.”

“I never worry about being put down when I do something dumb.”

Openness:

Openness is the ability to put out authentic feelings and thoughts without the need to hide who you are. Whether to new ideas, unexpected challenges, or probing questions, open people are more interested in learning than looking good. They don’t seem to worry about making mistakes because they accept their own faults, and are eager to know how others see them.

Open people are not gullible or naive. They just have a strong sense of self that is not easily threatened, and don’t need to cover when unexpectedly exposed. They aren't uncomfortable with whatever questions they are asked and don’t overreact when faced with their lover’s vulnerable feelings.

You will know a lot about an open person early in your encounter. You’ll also feel comfortable talking about your deeper self in their presence.

“He’s so easy to know and understand.”

“She seems genuinely interested in me.”

Integrity:

Integrity can mean different things to different people, depending on their convictions. They define their personal integrity as living within those beliefs.

Integrity and trust are linked. Two people who believe in the same ethics can trust each other’s motives and behaviors.

People who live by their integrity know which behaviors and thoughts are sacred to the people close to them, and will not abuse that knowledge. If their beloved people express judgments, prejudices, defenses, strong opinions, and held stereotypes, a person with integrity simply states what their own ethics are, and doesn’t try to force others to feel or think the same.

You will know when you are with a person of integrity when they are comfortable with what they believe, but are openly interested in your views, even if they are different. The relationship may not work if you can’t share the same ethic, however, you will not be overruled.

“It was so easy to have a discussion with him. It never deteriorated into an argument.”

“She and I have very different views, but it didn’t seem to be a problem.”

Humor:

There are some things in life that never lose their luster. A great sense of humor is one. People who see the humor in situations, or laugh just as easily at themselves, are easy to be with.

A couple is unlikely to be any real trouble if they can still laugh at the same things together. The loss of a sense of humor is the most telling clue that a relationship may be in distress.

A great sense of humor is not about sarcasm, mockery, or stripping away an opponent’s defenses. It is a way of lightening life's challenges so that sorrow is lessened and joy is increased.

You will know when your date has a great sense of humor because you will find yourself relaxing, letting go of tension, and laughing a lot.

“I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard.”

“By the end of the evening, I felt so comfortable. He’s so funny.”

Passion:

I am not talking about the passion that fuels negative behaviors. Passion is energy, focus, and intense commitment to a behavior or person. New partners often find it in their lustful feelings toward each other, but zeal and enthusiasm can be expressed in many ways.

Passionate people are superbly alive in every aspect of their lives. Beauty is supremely delicious. Love is rich. Good food is a blessing. Great movies are almost too enjoyable to bear. Sad experiences are shared with tears.

They care deeply. They love with abandon. Life is for living to the fullest and the greatest punishment is the inability to feel.

You will know when you’re with a passionate person because you will feel more alive.

“Every cell in my body felt invigorated.”

“She is so damn excited about everything. It’s hard not to feel the same.”

Confidence:

Confident people can direct the way things happen. They have learned who they are and what they can do as a result of the battle scars of their own heroism. They take risks, and aren't afraid of losing as long as they learn to do it better the next time.

Confident people are resilient. They know where they have value and where they don't. They lean into critique, unafraid to hear negative comments. They mean what they say and do what they promise.

You will know when you’re with a confident person. They’re open to new experiences and don’t seem to worry about embarrassment or loss.

“He is so ready to try anything.”

“She always lands on her feet.”

The Seven Characteristics That Often Strain Relationships Over Time

Victimization:

Bad things happen to everyone. True hardship should elicit compassion. But some people seem to have unending heartbreaks. They don't seem to have anything else to share but their latest sorrow.

When someone describes every experience in terms of constant emergencies, losses, frustrations, or disappointments, he or she can be hard to listen to over time. That is especially true if there is no satisfaction or joy to compensate.

Even when those experiences are legitimate, those people who feel chronically victimized by life often eventually conclude that no one really cares.

You will know when you’re with a chronic victim when you experience compassion and the need to bolt at the same time.

“No matter how much I try to help him, he’s always got one more problem.”

“I feel so guilty when I run out of patience with her.”

Neediness:

Most partners enjoy meeting their lovers’ needs. However, when overwhelming needs are presented with entitlement, their once eager partners begin to feel inadequate. Over time, they stop expressing their own needs so as not to burden their always-empty partners. No intimate relationship can survive a one-sided obligation forever.

Most partners will eventually resent the constant demands for attention and support, and start seeing their lovers’ needs as illegitimate. The needy person then feels invalidated, increasing their needs even more.

You will know you’re with a needy person if you begin to feel inadequate and that your own desires are not as important.

“I feel like I’m burdening him if I need anything.”

“I love her, but I just can’t keep solving all these problems.”

Domination:

People into power want to win at any cost, and to control the outcome. They can be exciting initially because of their comfort with being on top. If they have desirable attributes, you may overlook their orchestration of situations for their own benefit for a while.

When they start controlling their partners, they are not as attractive. Needing to win every argument, convinced that they know more than anyone, or unwilling to give up directing the show, they can seem heavy-handed and uncaring.

Dominating people are rarely willing to let anyone else be in charge. They can easily run over people, and are not team players.

You will know when you’re with a dominating person when you have a different opinion.

“He’s a lot of fun if you never argue with his opinion”

“She’s usually a caring person but she needs to run the show.”

Negativity:

Chronically negative people are pessimistic and cynical. They believe their past relationships were never worth the time they put into them, and that nothing they do has ever really worked out the way they wanted it to.

They artfully escape any attempts to cheer them up. They seem painfully wed to their state of sorrow and are too frightened to give up their negative expectations.

Naturally optimistic people are often drawn to negative people, wanting so much to alleviate their sadness. They feel they have enough joy to give them hope again. Initially, the negative person may seem to be better, but will eventually invalidate whatever suggestions or help they are offered.

You will know when you’re with a negative person when you realize you’ve heard nothing positive during the entire encounter.

“She’s really beautiful, but what a downer.”

“I’ve tried everything I know to cheer him up, but his pessimism always wins.”

Entitlement:

Entitlement is often a relationship destroyer. Entitled people feel that others should serve them, and that they are exempt from the rules. They believe that others are there to make sure they get what they want.

Entitled people often order people around and criticize anyone who does not do things according to their dictates. They can initially be charming but quickly become irate when their wants are denied. It is not unusual to find them yelling at waiters, demanding privileged parking places, or dismissing “incompetent” people with loud, critical comments.

You will know when you are with a person who feels entitled when you are embarrassed at the way he or she treats others.

“I felt so embarrassed when he humiliated that waiter.”

“She can’t stand anyone who doesn’t put her first.”

Performers:

Performers are people who hog the limelight and turn their partners into audiences. They get bored easily if anyone else is center stage, and they are easily wounded when their partners are not impressed with them. If they are blessed with charm and physical attractiveness, they can hold their audiences for long periods before their egocentricity is recognized.

Performers can take a back seat for short periods of time if they are entertained or out-performed. Eventually they need the accolades that go with being the center of attention, and will disconnect if they can't get it back. They usually blame their audiences if the show is not well-received.

You will know when you’re with a performer when the conversation will always be about him or her.

“I enjoy her company but sometimes I get tired of just listening.”

“It’s pretty clear to everyone he’s pissed when he’s not holding court.”

Evasiveness:

People who are evasive would make great spies. They have the ability to learn a great deal about their dates without revealing anything meaningful about themselves. They can appear initially as shy, contemplative, or even good listeners. But when inquired of, they turn the conversation back to their partner and stay hidden. They put the pressure on others to carry the conversation and to figure out what is happening.

Evasive people can get by for a while with well-timed minimal interactions. But when their partners actually ask direct questions, their unwillingness to reveal is exposed. They will change the subject, misinterpret the question, or challenge the right of the questioner to ask, thereby putting the responsibility for risking back in the hands of the now-branded inquisitor.

You will know when you’re with an evasive person when you realize at the end of the encounter that you are the only one exposed.

“I thought he was the strong and silent type. I wonder if he has anything important to say.”

“She sure knows how to get me to talk. I feel a little naked.”

What to Do With Your New Knowledge

These attractive and repelling behaviors are those my patients most commonly talk about, but there are many more. Ask yourself what emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical attributes you have consistently been attracted to, and those that have left you uncomfortable. Make a comprehensive list, and challenge yourself to find them early in your new relationships so that you will know who to pursue and who to avoid.

Bravely challenge yourself as well. Ask yourself if you regularly practice any of the attractive or push-away behaviors talked about here, or others you have identified in your past or current relationships.

Never be afraid to know yourself or to face what you are proud of. Also identify those that you may want to change.

The one positive behavior I have left out is the commitment to continuously transform yourself into a more effective person. That quality is more important than all the others combined.

Selling Out - Compromising Integrity in Intimate Relationships

2011-04-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

Randi Gunther, Ph.D.

All partners in successful intimate relationships know how to compromise when negotiating each others needs. They fully expect to give up some things and strive for fairness in those decisions.

When couples cooperate openly, most desires are met, negotiated, or willingly given up for the sake of the relationship's success. But sometimes one partner wants something important that is not available no matter how effective these up-front attempts at reconciliation have been. He or she then faces the conflict between giving up that important need, or choosing to do whatever is necessary, even if selling out is the only option.

In forty years of treating couples, I have never known a single partner who has not resorted to subterfuge when that kind of dilemma arises. At those times, they may be willing to do something devious that is contrary to their own values, to get what they need.

In most cases, the accompanying guilt or resentment is temporary, and the rewards actually do compensate. The negative feelings dissipate over time and the positive parts of the relationship win out. Nothing needs to be shared between the partners and all ends well.

Unfortunately, that does not always work out. Many partners are well-intended in each individual circumstance, but, over time they can seriously compromise their personal integrity, and then silently hate their partners for accepting their sacrifices.

If you can recognize yourself in these repeated, painfully compromising situations, your relationship will eventually suffer. Your cumulative resentment creates a gunnysack of future ammunition. That suppressed resentment may escape when you least expect it, perhaps over a seemingly innocent conflict that doesn't deserve that level of negativity. If your partner has not realized how you have been hurting yourself to get what you want, he or she will not understand your reaction, and may pull away, causing you to sacrifice again to regain the intimacy you've lost.

If self-destructive sacrifices have the potential to cause this level of harm, what drives intimate partners to resort to them?

It is hard to give up something important, especially when you've tried every legitimate way to get it. Perhaps you rationalized at the time that it wasn't that much to sacrifice, and that you could get over your negative feelings. You could have thought of it as the best option at the time, and truly believed it would be worth it. You might even have known it was the wrong thing to do, but just couldn't give up what you needed.

Strong desires that that cost too much are ultimately harmful. Partners in loving relationships may sell out this way because the loss is harder to bear. They often derive their power from unresolved past experiences that have left exaggerated fears of loss. They can run the gamut from urgent to mild. The problem is the high price you have paid.

There are some universal fears that can drive even well-meaning and confident people to stray into that negative realm. For example, many people are more willing to sacrifice their integrity when they anticipate unbearable emotional loss. But many partners who are not faced with significant threats will still compromise their self-respect in some areas.

“I know I shouldn't be doing this right now, but this is a really important situation and I won't make it a habit.”

“I hate conflict. If I don't give in to this argument right now, it's only going to get worse. I can get over it. It'll be better in the long run.”

“I really want her to make love with me later. I'm going to have to put up with her crazy control-freak behavior for a few hours. I hope it's worth it.”

“If I don't pretend to like his insulting friend, I know he'll choose him over me. I just couldn't bear that. I guess I can fake it.”

The important rule here is that deciding to compromise your integrity is not automatically the wrong decision for you or for your relationship. There is, however, one crucial caveat:

If you decide, for any reason, to exchange your self-respect for something you want from your partner, you must never blame him or her partner for not protecting you from your own choices to sell yourself out. Self-compromise that results in smoldering resentment or the loss of your self-respect will eventually challenge the mutual trust in your relationship. If you add blaming your partner for your own self-destructive choices, it can be destroyed.

Here is what sell-outs usually look like:

Partner A wants something Partner B can give or withhold,.

Partner B doesn't want to grant that desire.

Partner A is unable or unwilling to give up the desire, and feels that sacrificing his or her integrity is the only option.

As a result, Partner A gets what he or she wants to happen or what is avoided, but is secretly resentful and stores those negative emotions for future ammunition.

Partner B grants the desire, not realizing he or she may be facing a future debt.

Here's an example:

Partner A:

Trevor is at a restaurant with some business associates. His girlfriend, Karen, expects him home by 6:00. He knows she's going to be angry when he calls because he is chronically late.

“Hi, sweetheart. Look, don't be mad. I'm still at the restaurant and they haven't served dinner yet. I'm sitting near some people who might be important to the deal. I'll just be a hour or so.”

He is hoping Karen will buy it but knows that she probably won't, and will make him pay later.

Partner B: She answers, obviously irritated. Oh, come on, Trev. Not again. I skipped the gym just to be with you tonight. I might as well have stayed at work. I sure can't count on you.”

Partner A: Trevor feels that his request is okay and doesn't want to give up his plan, but he also doesn't want to deal with being denied sexual favors later because of her disappointment. He's thinking about all the other times he wanted to do something that would distance her and how easily controlled he is by his sexual attachment to her. He feels compelled to appease her in the moment, but knows he'll take it out on her some other time.

“I'm really sorry for upsetting you, honey. I guess I wasn't thinking. Let it go, okay? I'll be there in ten minutes. Try to feel better, okay?”

Partner B: ?hanks for caring, Trev. I don't mean to be so upset but you forget the time so often and I get disappointed. I just look so forward to being with you. I'll leave the door open. Love you, baby.”

Trevor has just caved, selling himself out because his partner can take away something that is crucial to him--a passionate sexual relationship. He may still have access to her physically, but at the cost of his own integrity, self-respect, and personal desires. If he continues those compromises, his resentment of her control over him will eventually outpace his attachment.

If Trevor continues to sell out, he will eventually develop the behavior of a martyr, and worse yet, may start to see Karen as manipulating his weakness for her benefit. Continuing to give in, he will begin to hold her to a debt she will not understand and never be able to pay.

In time, Trevor will start feeling like this:

“I'm tired of trying to do what I like. I'm just going to do whatever she wants from on. It's just easier.”

“If she really loved me, she wouldn't let me give myself away like this.”

“If your girlfriend wants anything from you, she'll eventually get her way.”

Sadly, Karen will start feeling selfish and need to rationalize her own behavior:

“I know he can't stand it when I'm mad, but if he'd stop disappointing me so much, I wouldn't be. I can't help it if he gives up what he is doing go keep me from getting upset with him. That's his problem.”

“I can't stand it when he gives into me and then gets pissed off for something ridiculous later on.”

In time, both of these behaviors will backfire. Martyrdom and indulgence do not portend the deepening of intimacy. These two people who may have had a real chance for a long-term loving relationship have sabotaged it into a likely demise.

It's unlikely that people in committed relationship will ever be free of the things they want from their partners. It's also unlikely that people will not be tempted to take advantage of each other when the power is so easily handed over to them.

What is the solution? How can you stop self-destructive sell-outs when the result eventually will hurt you, your partner, and your relationship?

Here is what you can do:

Reconsider any compromise you make that will cause irreparable harm to your integrity.

If you pretend to make something all right which never could be, you will be risking the loss of your self-respect, and will feel less deserving of what you need.

Share with your partner what your cost would be up front were you to make that compromise. Perhaps he or she could help you negotiate a better outcome for both of you.

Most loving partners would not take advantage of you if they knew you were selling out and storing resentment. Getting those secret self-destructive choices out in the open can often lead to better negotiations for what you want.

Have alternatives to getting your attachments met with just one person.

There may be cases where that is very difficult, like your not having a partner who can meet your sexual needs when you have promised fidelity. But there are many attachments in all quality relationships that are not equal. Caring partners can work those out if they are open and fair with each other.

Deal with your more basic attachments, such as the need for security or fear of abandonment.

You can do that by finding where those fears began, and working to heal them. You may do that yourself, or in the hands of a qualified professional. Many of those deeper attachments cannot be met in any relationship without the sacrifice of self. Though we may love someone deeply as an adult and feel loved as much by them, he or she can never be the parent we didn't have or compensate fully for traumas from the past.

Realize that it's not a gift to give in to your partner's controlling behaviors.

You may think your sacrifices are noble, but offering them with self-harm as the price invites your parnter into the realm of bully at best, or exploitative human being at worst. It is no gift to win a battle that destroys the person you love the most.

Relationships rarely benefit when one partner martyrs him or herself, and holds the other responsible for the sacrifice. Both partners should learn to recognize the signs and be committed to helping each other erase its presence. Selling out is giving up personal integrity in order to avoid fear of loss. Love cannot thrive for long in that emotional environment.